I'm gonna tell a story. Settle back on the plaid couch if you gottem (I know at least one of you has).
As regulars know, I was hit by a truck about 6 weeks ago. I also had my very last ever cigarette just over 5 weeks ago. These two things are unrelated by the way, but it's just to show that, despite vaping for quite a while, I only very recently stopped turning to the occasional stinky analogue in times of extreme stress or need for comfort.
So, I have been in pain 24/7 for just over 6 weeks. I've been back at work for 3 weeks, and smiling and soldiering on. Everyone things I've just done brilliantly, haven't lost my sense of humour, still 100% good old Elphaba, just taking a few more pain killers and a bit slower to move than earlier. It is very possible (I realised this morning) that I have been in denial about the seriousness of my injury. I've never been good at taking things seriously when it comes to myself (this is the girl who had 2 heart attacks at 31 and still kept smoking, remember!)
So I had my review with the specialist last night. Turns out there may be surgery down the track. On my neck! Involving the removal of a piece of my hipbone and fusing it to my spine. It's risky, and it's painful. So we are waiting 6 months. I walked out of there thinking. "Hmm, that's not cool. Now, what will I make the boys for dinner tonight?".
Fast forward to this morning. My husband and I had a disagreement. A small one, not a fight, really nothing at all. I had a total meltdown. Ended up under the covers in bed with the doona over my head sobbing hysterically for TWO AND A HALF HOURS while he tried to calm me down. I am NEVER like this. I'm freaking AWESOME in a crisis! But it had all hit me. I haven't really slept in 6 weeks, I'm in the middle of a legal battle, I'm still working full time, I'm Mum to a VERY active little 3 year old boy and I am in constant pain, every second of every day, and now they are talking about operating on my neck. I completely lost the plot. And what made matters worse is that my sister in law was due to arrive in 3 hours with her 3 kids, and we were going to lunch with other family for a birthday party for her. This was not the time to lose it.
So when I could breathe again, I seriously considered a cigarette (hubby still smokes, so there are always some around) but i didn't. I ran a bath, I filled a fresh carto with butterscotch (left over from my first ever order, the only 24mg I still have, and I was so glad I had it, let me tell you), made a fresh coffee, and went and sat in a warm bath, with my PV and my coffee, until I calmed down. AND I DID NOT HAVE A CIGARETTE! Cigarettes were always my comfort. Always. As any smoker knows, and any ex smoker remembers, it's the first thing you reach for when you are upset (or happy, or anything else for that matter!) So I'm so proud of myself. And so damned glad I discovered vaping.
So I guess I"m posting this so a) you can all be proud of me; and b) so you understand if I'm not as "upbeat" in all my posts as usual for a little while, just til I get my head around all this. And also, because I consider all of you to be my friends, so I am venting to you all because you are fabulous. And because it's nice to have somewhere you can just be you, even in the less great times.
Also to say thanks to you all, because I've had some nights when I didn't think I could keep going, and I've logged on here and laughed so hard I had to increase my medication. When I first googled "electronic cigarettes" I never in my wildest dreams imagined it would lead to me having a whole new group of awesome friends.
Thanks guys. You keep me smiling.
E
As regulars know, I was hit by a truck about 6 weeks ago. I also had my very last ever cigarette just over 5 weeks ago. These two things are unrelated by the way, but it's just to show that, despite vaping for quite a while, I only very recently stopped turning to the occasional stinky analogue in times of extreme stress or need for comfort.
So, I have been in pain 24/7 for just over 6 weeks. I've been back at work for 3 weeks, and smiling and soldiering on. Everyone things I've just done brilliantly, haven't lost my sense of humour, still 100% good old Elphaba, just taking a few more pain killers and a bit slower to move than earlier. It is very possible (I realised this morning) that I have been in denial about the seriousness of my injury. I've never been good at taking things seriously when it comes to myself (this is the girl who had 2 heart attacks at 31 and still kept smoking, remember!)
So I had my review with the specialist last night. Turns out there may be surgery down the track. On my neck! Involving the removal of a piece of my hipbone and fusing it to my spine. It's risky, and it's painful. So we are waiting 6 months. I walked out of there thinking. "Hmm, that's not cool. Now, what will I make the boys for dinner tonight?".
Fast forward to this morning. My husband and I had a disagreement. A small one, not a fight, really nothing at all. I had a total meltdown. Ended up under the covers in bed with the doona over my head sobbing hysterically for TWO AND A HALF HOURS while he tried to calm me down. I am NEVER like this. I'm freaking AWESOME in a crisis! But it had all hit me. I haven't really slept in 6 weeks, I'm in the middle of a legal battle, I'm still working full time, I'm Mum to a VERY active little 3 year old boy and I am in constant pain, every second of every day, and now they are talking about operating on my neck. I completely lost the plot. And what made matters worse is that my sister in law was due to arrive in 3 hours with her 3 kids, and we were going to lunch with other family for a birthday party for her. This was not the time to lose it.
So when I could breathe again, I seriously considered a cigarette (hubby still smokes, so there are always some around) but i didn't. I ran a bath, I filled a fresh carto with butterscotch (left over from my first ever order, the only 24mg I still have, and I was so glad I had it, let me tell you), made a fresh coffee, and went and sat in a warm bath, with my PV and my coffee, until I calmed down. AND I DID NOT HAVE A CIGARETTE! Cigarettes were always my comfort. Always. As any smoker knows, and any ex smoker remembers, it's the first thing you reach for when you are upset (or happy, or anything else for that matter!) So I'm so proud of myself. And so damned glad I discovered vaping.
So I guess I"m posting this so a) you can all be proud of me; and b) so you understand if I'm not as "upbeat" in all my posts as usual for a little while, just til I get my head around all this. And also, because I consider all of you to be my friends, so I am venting to you all because you are fabulous. And because it's nice to have somewhere you can just be you, even in the less great times.
Also to say thanks to you all, because I've had some nights when I didn't think I could keep going, and I've logged on here and laughed so hard I had to increase my medication. When I first googled "electronic cigarettes" I never in my wildest dreams imagined it would lead to me having a whole new group of awesome friends.
Thanks guys. You keep me smiling.
E
good job.
