I was going to write something like this for the whole group to see in its own thread, but since this popped up today I suppose it's a good place to write it.
_~*~_What PIF has done for me_~*~_
I was never a privleged child. Growing up, things were always extraordinarily complicated. My family was dirt poor, my mother was disabled, and my father could never keep a job. He later became diagnosed with schizophrenia and also was put on disability. I always had very little.
My grandmother was the closest person to my in my life. Having a father with schizophrenia and a mother who is addicted to narcotics (pain killers) doesn't leave a child in a place of 'respect' for their parents. My grandmother was always my shining example of what the world should be like. She was giving and sweet and was always there for anyone who needed a helping hand. I wanted to be just like her.
However my life did not seem to lend itself to good Karma. No matter how much I gave back to the universe in my own childish way, things never seemed to get better. My father revealed his homosexuality when I was eight years old, my mother left me and moved to Oregon. We got our food supply from the local church and my father ignored me for he was too depressed to deal with life.
Everytime I did something nice for someone else, my life, in turn, got worse. I began thinking that maybe life wasn't as straight forward and fair as my grandmother made it seem. But maybe, just maybe, if I gave as much of myself as I could to others, it would prevent me from facing the truly terrible. Maybe it wouldn't get me that brand new CD player or keep my parents together, but it was good Karma and that had to be good for something.
I battled my way through life trying to hold up these values and ideals. I did everything I could and continued to get nothing in return. I was beated, raped, mentally abused, physically strained but I always looked to my grandmother and knew that it would all be worth it. Someday I would marry a wonderful man like she had done and someday I would live in a wonderful house like she did, and then the universe would pay me back.
I did meet a wonderful man and have a wonderful son. But times were (and still are) very tough. My husband has been on and off work, consitantly getting laid off and told the very same thing each time "You're a good worker but we just can't keep you" He is still trying to support me while I get through school.
And still, I thought, I am halfway there, Grandma. Soon I will be just like you. Kind, giving, and blessed.
Then my grandmother died. She was 63 and she had diabetes. After a long and painful struggle we all gathered around and told her it was time to give up, to not hurt anymore. And she did. I have never felt so much pain. Both for losing my grandmother and the sudden realization that every ideal that had ever driven me to get past my demons just died in front of my eyes, literally.
I had taken a vow that day to live differently. To not get involved in problems that weren't mine. To take care of myself and my family and ignore the rest of the universe because what the hell had it ever done for me?
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I found out about e-cigarettes about a year ago when a friend of mine purchased a smoking everywhere kit. If I had only known then how much that little electronic device would save my life, my mind and my soul.
Fast forward to a couple months ago when I was looking on classifieds to swap some low mg nic for higher mg nic. It was posted in a way one would post a 'need' here. I asked desperately for help because I had made a mistake and 12mg was not satisfying me. I got a couple responses...
Yes, they were our very own Sensay and WhatAClumsyGirl. Clumsy sent me 24mg Tastyfinger and Sensay sent 24mg BNB. After she sent it, she told me that I ought to check out the PIF social group if I liked to trade.
So I wandered over here, still not aware of how open my mind was going to become, and how warm my heart was going to feel. I watched magic happen. I watched people group together to help other, I read stories of great 'Thanks' and developed appreciation for everyone here. One of them members here sent me a bag of free 3ml samples from TV at 24mg. Not only did he want no money, he wanted no thanks and definitely no praise. Sensay has helped me out an extraordinary amount, especially by giving me this passthrough...
Although we give and recieve nothing but little electronic devices and liquid, this group stands for much more than that. This group stand for love, generosity to your fellow man, and hope for me. It has restored my belief in Karma and my respect for the universe.
And most importantly it has given me a wide-eyed view of the world. Maybe it's not about getting that brand new CD player or even getting the life of your dreams. Maybe it's just about finding a group of people who care, establishing friendships and sharing them with each other. Maybe my grandmother always knew that and thought I should figure it out myself. And maybe her death was OK.
Thank you PIF.
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