Plane Crash Kills Hundreds

[SmokingInTexas]

A "Basket Airways" Cessna 152 aircraft from Frikencold North Dakota crossed the border into Canadian air space today where apparent engine failure caused an emergency crash landing at the Heavens Gate cemetery. Canadian authorities have so far recovered 182 bodies and are expecting to find many more as rescue efforts continue through the evening hours. Many of those found were in such bad condition that it may take weeks to determine the final causes of death. Amazingly, the Cessna pilot walked away from the crash scene without any serious injuries, but was however immediately arrested and is expected to be charged in the death of those discovered following the crash. One Canadian rescue worker stated it the worst scene he had ever witnessed, and if not for the odd, repetitive arrangement of the bodies, rescue efforts would be much more difficult.


[OK, I admit, I did plagiarize THIS one a little, but I'm getting tired, and it's almost time for my shock treatments.]

 

[ApOsTle51]

hehe , as soon as i read heavens gate cemetary I was on to ya !! honest..

 

[D_Struct]

I always thought the Onion plane crash article was funny.

Passengers Bravely Take Down Plane Showing Big Momma's House 2
WASHINGTON, DC—The Federal Aviation Administration announced today that United Airlines Flight 43, which crashed outside Parkersburg, WV last Thursday, was in fact brought down by passengers who voluntarily sacrificed their lives in order to prevent the screening of the in-flight movie selection, Big Momma's House 2.
Enlarge Image Crashed plane

Crews search the crash site, just hours after Flight 43 went down.

All 105 people onboard died in the crash.

"As we examine the passengers' cell-phone calls and flight recordings, we get a sense of the incredible courage displayed by these ordinary men and women," said FAA Administrator Marion Blakey at a press conference Monday, during which excerpts from the recordings were played. "They acted in the only way they could to stop this unspeakable horror starring Martin Lawrence as an FBI agent who goes undercover as a nanny for a sexy murder suspect."

"These people are true American heroes," Blakey added.

Flight 43 left New York's LaGuardia Airport on schedule last Thursday at 10:17 a.m. en route to Los Angeles with no indication of any suspiciously bad entertainment activity aboard. Black-box evidence indicates that, 40 minutes after takeoff, the crew walked through the cabin and asked passengers to close their window screens. The audio recording goes eerily quiet after a flight attendant can be heard announcing that Big Momma's House 2 would be shown.

"It will be days, months perhaps, before we have a complete picture of exactly what happened," said FAA crash investigator Matthew Roberts, whose team was given the unpleasant job of analyzing Flight 43's last moments. "But we know that the passengers somehow assembled toward the rear of the cabin without attracting attention to themselves—which couldn't have been easy, considering the tense silence that typically accompanies a Big Momma's House film—and decided that they would rather die than let anyone do this to them."

Around 11:00, business-class passenger Charles Rice left an emotional message on the cell-phone voicemail of his fiancée, Kathi Kearney.

"Honey, it's me," Rice said in one of the excerpts. "I… God. Listen, they've darkened the cabin, and they've started showing Big Momma's House 2. The second one, I mean, and it… it's pretty bad. This might not go well, honey. A bunch of us are going to try to stop them. I have to go, we're going to go now. God, I am so sorry. You know I love you."

Although Roberts said they may never determine who acted first or how the passengers organized their resistance to the brutally awful comedy, it is believed that all onboard were united in their need to stop the movie from being shown. In an amazing coincidence, at least one other person aboard Flight 43 had actually survived a screening of the original Big Momma's House on an international flight in 2001, which may have given them impetus to act.

"It seems clear that, from the opening moments of the film, they knew exactly how it had to end—either 99 minutes later as Martin Lawrence's excruciating mugging brought it all to a heinous conclusion, or with the deaths of everyone aboard," Roberts said. "We can only hope that we would act with the same bravery and conscientiousness if presented with the same situation."

Cabin recordings seem to indicate that a refreshment cart was used to charge the attendant station at the front of the aircraft at a decisive moment in the film in which a sexy potential villain asks Lawrence's character for help removing her bra. Much of the recording is incoherent, but Blakey played a 15-second segment in which some of the flight attendants can be heard exhorting passengers to remain seated while others seemed to be voicing second thoughts.

"Clearly, the passengers were facing well-trained hard-liners intent on doing as much damage as they could," said Blakey, gesturing to the charred, partially melted Big Momma's House 2 DVD case found in the wreckage as evidence. "When they found the hospitality station locked down and secured as per airline policy, the only choice they had left was to infiltrate the cockpit."

One last garbled transmission was made from Flight 43 just before it disappeared from air-traffic control's monitors. Though the FAA has not released it publicly, Blakey confirmed that the passengers can be clearly heard reciting the Lord's Prayer over the scream of the engines and the high falsetto shriek of a female-impersonating Martin Lawrence.

Plans are already underway to honor the victims by presenting them with the Presidential Medal Of Freedom, a $4 million memorial in the West Virginia field where Flight 43 crashed, and a proposed Spring 2007 release of Flight 43, a big-budget action comedy-drama starring Chris Tucker as Martin Lawrence.

 

[CssReb]

Please join me in remembering a great icon. Veteran Pillsbury spokesperson, The Pillsbury Doughboy, died yesterday of a severe yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes to the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a slightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, Captain Crunch and many others.

The graveside was piled high with flours as long-time friend, Aunt Jemima, delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded."



Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, even as a crusty old man, he was still considered a roll model for millions.

Toward the end it was thought he'd raise once again, but he was no tart.

Doughboy is survived by his second wife, Play Dough. They have two children and one in the oven. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

 

[SmokingInTexas]

See! I KNEW I should have stuck with original material. Now just LOOK what I started. LOL

 

[DCrist721]

This isn't the most tasteful form of humor man, come on. My heart stopped when I saw this thread title among the others.

Edit: I'll admit that the joke itself is funny, but it's more the thread title that could use some sensitivity. I'm not trying to be a ****, it just scared me when I read this, mostly because a friend of mine was taking a flight to Tampa Bay today for Spring Break. Perhaps edit the title of the thread to indicate it's a joke. I almost didn't view the thread because I didn't want to know what happened, but there's always the "what if someone I know was involved?" thought in the back of your head when bad things happen, and in this case, their was a specific person in mind. I mean, imagine if someone called you and said, "Dude, I heard that your mom just died...." and then they paused, only to come back with "Haha April fool!" That wouldn't be too cool would it? Yeah, in the end it would be just a joke, but the initial shock would be painful.

We all appreciate your humor today, don't get me wrong, I just think it was a poor choice of thread title.

I'm sorry if I came across harshly to you, it's just that I was scared when I saw this thread, and once I saw that this thread was a joke, all of my initial fear manifested as anger.

 

[ZambucaLu]

Moved to general discussion.

Smoking....jokes go in the general discussion forum.

Thanks.

Lu