One again, its Cynical Friday in the Connoisseurs homeland of sunny (too damn sunny) Melbourne, Florida. I watched some TV last night and today I read some news articles on the Internet while waiting for stuff to happen at work
and as always, it was simply impossible to avoid the vehement drive of the Anti Nicotine and tobacco Zealots, or ANTZ. I saw a commercial that argued (with totally valid and licit logical.scientific reasoning) that bad chemicals from cigarettes make icky, squishy sounds and roar viciously while examined under a cartoon microscope. Another commercial convinced me whole-heartedly that tobacco will certainly melt pregnant women and turn their unborn children to plastic. Yet another winning argument made me realize that yes, tobacco really does kill more people than bigfoot attacks. Lets see what else Ive learned from the scientific and medical research of certain, unnamed ANTZ groups: nicotine leads to leprosy, smoking will make your face turn green and fall apart into scree, nicotine intake will shatter you to pieces if youre a baseball pitcher, the manufacturing of tobacco products will flay flesh off of bones and whither plants like a hydrogen bomb detonation (pretty cool
is the military aware of this?), cats and dogs .... and piss in your cigarettes, if young people smoke they will cause evil demon bats and laser-shooting unicorns to destroy the world, honey causes black people to melt (thats a weird one
whats it got to do with nicotine?), tobacco causes oil spills in the trees, and
are you ready for this one?
cigarettes caused AIDS in the 80s. The list goes on and on, but you get the picture. the ANTZ have certainly done their homework in order to discover all of these amazing and frightening facts.
So
how can we recognize these modern Spartans of health, so we can run up and thank them for tirelessly investigating ways to protect us from accidentally destroying the universe? Well, it took me a while to put this together, because Im working with a handicap in that I am unable to employ the superior intellect of one of these Greek gods of science
but here we go:
Profile of an ANTZ:
1. The eyes of the typical ANTZ are bigger than normal, and flighty
shifting from subject to subject in search of opportunities for courage and glory in the face of unabashed evil.
2. The speech patterns of ANTZ are fast and abrasive, with a tendency to drown out all other noises and voices. Frequent interruption of lesser speech is common, because the lofty topics of communication between ANTZ are prioritized by necessity.
3. Photographic or near photographic memory with impressively quick powers of instantaneous recollection are not uncommon among ANTZ. As with famous detective Sherlock Holmes, asking an ANTZ to retrace the steps of their genius-powered faculties of rational deduction/induction is a bother. They are able to zip through multiple steps of thought to arrive at amazing conclusions like Everybody knows
and Science proves that
and The experts say
(Click here to read the rest of my article...)
