Sagewood Glass CONTEST! Win a fine handblown glass drip tip & carto tank!!!

[Ratman]

Entered for Okienurse who is stuck at work and can not post from there
#1
Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie, whose dog had recently died.

"You know, it's not your fault that the dog died. He's probably up in heaven right now, having a grand old time with God."

Susie, still crying, said "What would God want with a dead dog?"

 

[Ratman]

Entered for Okienurse who is stuck at work and can not post from there
#2
The following statements were found on patients' charts during a recent review of medical records. These statements were written by various health care professionals including a doctor or two at several major hospitals:

"The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week."

"Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles."

"Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation."

"She is numb from her toes down."

"Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot."

"While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home."

"The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as stockbroker instead."

"When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room."

"Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress."

 

[Roszam]

1.

Two women friends went for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair and did not want to ruin them.

She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to use that. The girls then went home.

The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, 'These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst… my wife came home with no panties!!'

'That's nothing' said the other husband, 'Mine came back with a card stuck to her ... that said.....

'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.''

 

[California Girl]

# 1

Why is there no gambling in Africa?
Too many Cheetahs!

Thanks for the contest!

 

[California Girl]

# 2

What did the fish say when he ran into the wall?

Dam.

Hope I win!!! Thanks!

 

[Fisty]

Posted for Darc Clan, who can't access ECF at work:

#1

You have just received the Amish virus. Because we don't have any
computers or programming experience, this virus works on the honor
system. Please delete all the files from your hard drive and manually
forward this virus to everyone on your mailing list.

Thank you for your cooperation.

The Amish Computer Engineering Department

 

[Fisty]

Posted for Darc Clan, who can't access ECF at work:

#2

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

 

[Kaefo]

#1

When Uncle Charlie died of old age, Bill was bequeathed his uncle's prized Amazon parrot. This parrot was fully grown -- with a bad attitude and a worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the very least, extremely rude.

Bill tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music--anything he could think of to try and set a good example... Nothing worked. Exasperated, he yelled at the bird. But the bird just got louder. Then he shook the parrot. But the bird just got more angry and more rude.

Finally, in a moment of desperation, Bill put the parrot in the freezer.

For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking, and screaming...

Then, suddenly, all was quiet. Bill was frightened that he might have hurt his dead uncle's prized parrot and quickly opened the freezer door.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto Bill's extended arm and said, "I am truly sorry that I might have offended you with my language and action and I humbly ask your forgiveness. I will now, from this day forth, endeavor to correct my behavior so that such an ill-perceived outburst never again occurs."

Bill was completely astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had caused such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"

 

[Kaefo]

#2


(This is supposedly a true account recorded in the Police Log of Sarasota, Florida) An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!" The four men didn't wait for a second threat. They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then she realized why. It was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee, and two 12-packs of beer in the front seat. A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake. The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun. No charges were filed. Moral of the story? If you're going to have a senior moment...make it memorable.

 

[loxmythe]

Entry #1
A liberal a conservative and a moderate walk into a bar .........the bartender says "hi Mitt"

 

[loxmythe]

Entry #2
I was wondering why the frisbee was getting bigger ..........and then it hit me

 

[440BB]

#1

The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a ferret walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the ferret's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!" "Not really," said the ferret. "Your name is written inside the cover."

 

[440BB]

#2

A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23. The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman. But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life. She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned, "Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!" The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, "Ohhh God! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years, and I thought he meant his money!!"

 

[ISBN]

#1

Q: What's the difference between a redhead and a walrus?

A: One has whiskers and fishy flaps, and the other is a walrus!



(Redd's going to hate me. )

 

[Extraunordinary]

#1
What does a gorilla that outgrows his tree do? Whatever he wants, he's a gorilla!

 

[Extraunordinary]

#2
Nickelback walked into a bar... there's no punch line because destroying Rock & Roll isn't funny.

 

[SnakeSkinTa2]

#1
A Minnesota couple decided to vacation to Florida during the winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday. His wife would fly down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile.....somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who was called home to glory following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: 16 May 2003
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is not as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is hot down here!

 

[SnakeSkinTa2]

#2
A riddle for the day

Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one.

Michael J. Fox has a small one.

Madonna doesn't have one.

The Pope has one but doesn't use it.

Clinton uses his all the time.

Mickey Mouse has an unusual one.

Liberace never used his on women.

Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his.

Cher claims that she took on 3.

We never saw Lucy use Desi's.

What is it?

ANSWER: A last name

 

[misterkai]

There are exactly 5 more entries left ! Let's wrap this contest up and pick our winners!!!

 

[sara180]

Entry #1

A substitute teacher was trying to make use of her psychology background. She began her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, please stand up."

Right away, Little Johnny stood up.

The teacher said, "Why do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"

"I don't, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"