Sagewood Glass CONTEST! Win a fine handblown glass drip tip & carto tank!!!

[MrsCasey]

Entry #2

The town fathers were looking for a way to increase attendance and participation at their regular meetings. One member suggested bringing in a hypnotist. The officials agreed, a famous hypnotist was hired, publicity distributed, and everyone was pleased.

A few weeks later the meeting hall was packed, and the town's people sat fascinated as the hypnotist withdrew a pocket watch. The hypnotist began chanting... "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly the hypnotist's fingers slipped and the watch fell to the floor...

"Oh poo" said the hypnotist.

It took three weeks to clean up the town hall.

 

[Debadoo]

Post 2

Why did the elephant paint all his toenails red, green, purple, yellow, and blue?


so he could hide in a bag of jelly beans

 

[paulbald2]

2) Where do you get virgin wool?

From ugly sheep.

 

[NancyR]

entry 1

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over. Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong? He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again."

Eric grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"

"No," I replied. "Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T


I used to like Eric...........

 

[inter_ceptor00]

#1
Back in the woods, a redneck's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon a baby boy was brought into the world.

"Whoa there," said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down... I think there's Yet another one to come."
Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl.

"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern... It seems there's yet another one in there!" cried the doctor.
The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor,
"Do you think it's the light that's attractin' 'em?"

 

[Lady J]

Entry 1 (also, beautiful work.)

Two little ladies were shopping in the mall when Joanne smiled: "My cat can really play chess!"

With a shocking expression, Angelina praised Joanne's cat: "Really? It must be very smart!"

Just when Angelina finished her sentence, Joanne said:" Well... Actually, I don't know about that. I usually win three out of four times."

 

[UnHoly453]

Post#1


I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music..After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee,.and noticed that everybody was staring at me.....Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

Is this a true story?

Prize-winning joke #2

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce parked on the street in front of the bank.

Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5000?"

The blonde replied, "Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41?"

She should probably NOT be blonde >_<

Entry #1

A higgs-boson particle walks up to a Catholic church.
The priest stops him at the door and says “I’m sorry, you can’t participate in our service today.”
The higgs-boson particle says “What?! You can’t have mass without me!”

LOVE IT^^ <3 Science

entry 1

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over. Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong? He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again."

Eric grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"

"No," I replied. "Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T


I used to like Eric...........

I'm in IT, this is less of a joke, more of a "this happens all the time" there are also "pebcac" and "picnic" errors (problem exists between computer and chair, and , problem in chair not in computer)...

on to the joke:

Post number 1)

Q: What did the Darwin say to the Provari?

A: Watt is your voltage?

 

[inter_ceptor00]

#2

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

 

[Lady J]

Two guys were out walking their dogs on a hot day, when they pass by a pub. The first guy says “Let’s go in there for a pint.”
Second guy, says, “They won’t let us in with our dogs.”
First guy: “Sure they will, just follow my lead.”
He goes up to the pub, and sure enough the doorman says, “I can’t let you in here with that dog.” He replies, “Oh, I’m blind and this is my seeing-eye dog.” The doorman says, “Ok then, come on in.”
The second guy sees this and does the same thing. He goes up to the pub, and the doorman says, “You can’t come in here with a dog.” He replies, “I’m blind and this is my seeing-eye dog.” The doorman responds, “You have a chihuahua for a seeing-eye dog?” The second guy stops for a second, and exclaims, “They gave me a chihuahua?”

 

[Striker911]

Entry 1
This boy with a speech impediment gets dressed up for Halloween. He knocks at the first door and says "Bickurbeat". The lady says "Oh how cute, what are you supposed to be? The boy says "A birate". A what? A birate. Okay? Have a happy Halloween.

Same boy hits the next door and says bickurbeat. Oh how cute, what are you supposed to be? A birate. A what? A birate! Okay? have a happy Halloween.

Last door of the night and this boy is getting fed up. Know one knows what he is dressed up as... Knock knock. Bickurbeat. Oh how nice, what are you supposed to be? Ahhhh; A birate! Oh, well where is your buccaneers? The boy pulls both ears out real wide and says "Here's my buccaneers"!!!

 

[UnHoly453]

Entry 2)

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eys, and bows down in prayer. His friend says, "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man." The man then replies, "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."

 

[LadyStrick9]

OK...here goes....

"Excuse me Miss, but does this rag smell like chloroform to you?"

~ Lady ~

 

[FunkyVapes]

Thanks for the contest!

Entry #1

"What's the difference between smokers and vapers?"





Smokers carry lighters...Vapers carry lighter WALLETS.

 

[Striker911]

Entry 2

A Texas Department of Water representative stopped at a ranch and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, 'I need to inspect your ranch for your water allocation.'

The old rancher said, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.'

The Water representative said, 'Mister, I have the authority

of the Federal Government with me. See this card? This card means I am

allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions

asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'

The old rancher nodded politely and went about his chores.

Later, the old rancher heard loud screams and saw the Water Rep running

for the fence and close behind was the rancher's bull. The bull was gaining on the

Water Rep with every step.

The Rep was clearly terrified, so the old rancher immediately

ran to the fence and shouted out.....

Your card! Show him your card!'

 

[dspin]

#1. Three women sitting quietly

 

[AutumnWolf]

And for entry #2, another really bad joke...

Q. Why didn't the skeleton go to the dance?

A. Because he had no-body to go with.

Thank you for the contest Misterkai! Good luck to everyone!!

 

[Flapenn]

What's the result of smoking too much?

Coffin.




Sent by Jedi mind tricks.

 

[ManuDawg]

Post #1

Leo and Sam exited and locked the car in a hurry, forgetting to remove the key which was in the ignition. Realizing the mistake, Leo asked, "Why don't we get a coat hanger to open it." 

"No, that won't work" answered Sam. "People will think we're trying to break in." 
 

Then Leo suggested, "What if we use a pocket knife to cut around the rubber, then stick a finger in and pull up the lock?" 
 

"No," said Sam. "People will think we're too dumb to use a coat hanger." 
 

"Well," sighed Leo, "we'd better think of something fast. It's starting to rain, and the sun roof is open!"

Thanks for the chance!

 

[ManuDawg]

Post #2

Larry went to visit his 86 year old grandfather in a very rural area. After spending a great evening chatting the night away, Larry's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon and eggs. Larry noticed a film like substance on his place, and questioned his grandfather asking, "Are these plates clean?"

His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get em. Just you go ahead and finish your meal".

For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, Larry was concerned about the plates as it appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, "Are you sure these plates are clean?"

Without looking up the old man said, "I told you before, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you worry, I don't want to hear another word about it".

Later that afternoon, as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass. Larry yelled and said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car".

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted, 'COLDWATER, GO LAY DOWN NOW, YAH HERE ME!!!".

 

[Bookworm]

Post #1

Why did the rapper carry an umbrella?


Fo' drizzle.