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Two buddies, Jeff and Steve, are getting very drunk at a bar when suddenly Jeff throws up all over himself. "Oh, no," he gasps, "My wife will kill me!!"
"Don't worry, pal," his buddy replies. "Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill."
So they stay another couple hours getting steadily drunker. Eventually Jeff rolls home.
The wife immediate starts on him. "You reek of alcohol and you puked all over yourself!" she screams. "My God, you are disgusting!"
"Nowainaminit," says Jeff, speaking very carefully so as not to slur, "I can e'splain everything! Itsh not what you thinks, I only had a couple drinks! But this other guy got sick on me. He'd had one too many and cou'n't hold his liquor! He said he was sorry an' gave me twenty bucks for the cleaning bill!"
The wife looks in his breast pocket. "But this is forty dollars!" she exclaims.
"Oh, yeah..." says Jeff. "He crapped in my pants, too."
"Don't worry, pal," his buddy replies. "Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill."
So they stay another couple hours getting steadily drunker. Eventually Jeff rolls home.
The wife immediate starts on him. "You reek of alcohol and you puked all over yourself!" she screams. "My God, you are disgusting!"
"Nowainaminit," says Jeff, speaking very carefully so as not to slur, "I can e'splain everything! Itsh not what you thinks, I only had a couple drinks! But this other guy got sick on me. He'd had one too many and cou'n't hold his liquor! He said he was sorry an' gave me twenty bucks for the cleaning bill!"
The wife looks in his breast pocket. "But this is forty dollars!" she exclaims.
"Oh, yeah..." says Jeff. "He crapped in my pants, too."
A man brought a very limp dog into the veterinary clinic. As he laid the dog on the table, the doctor pulled out his stethoscope, placing the receptor on the dog's chest. After a moment or two, the Doc shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, but your dog has passed away."
"What!" screamed the man. "How can you tell? You haven't done any testing on him or anything. I want another opinion!"
With that, the doctor turned and left the room. In a few moments, he returned with a Labrador Retriever. The dog went right to work, sniffing the poor dog on the table and checking him out thoroughly. After a considerable amount of sniffing, the Retriever sadly shook his head and went, "Woof."
The veterinarian then took the Labrador out and returned in a few moments with a cat, which walked around the poor dog several times and then sadly shook his head and said, "Meow." He then jumped off the table and ran out of the room.
The veterinarian said, "There's nothing more I can do," and handed the man a bill for $600.
The dog's owner went postal. "$600! Just to tell me my dog is dead? This is outrageous!" Doc shook his head sadly and explained, "If you had taken my word for it, the cost would have been $50, but with the Lab work and the Cat scan, the bill just kept adding up..."
"What!" screamed the man. "How can you tell? You haven't done any testing on him or anything. I want another opinion!"
With that, the doctor turned and left the room. In a few moments, he returned with a Labrador Retriever. The dog went right to work, sniffing the poor dog on the table and checking him out thoroughly. After a considerable amount of sniffing, the Retriever sadly shook his head and went, "Woof."
The veterinarian then took the Labrador out and returned in a few moments with a cat, which walked around the poor dog several times and then sadly shook his head and said, "Meow." He then jumped off the table and ran out of the room.
The veterinarian said, "There's nothing more I can do," and handed the man a bill for $600.
The dog's owner went postal. "$600! Just to tell me my dog is dead? This is outrageous!" Doc shook his head sadly and explained, "If you had taken my word for it, the cost would have been $50, but with the Lab work and the Cat scan, the bill just kept adding up..."
There was once a snail who was sick and tired of his reputation for being so slow. He decided to get some fast wheels to make up the difference. After shopping around a while, he decided that the Datson 240-Z was the car to get. So the snail goes to the nearest Datsun dealer and says he wants to buy the 240-Z, but he wants it repainted "240-S".
The dealer asks, "Why 'S'?"
The snail replies, "'S' stands for snail. I want everybody who sees me roaring past to know who's driving. I want everyone to say, ... 'Wow! Look at that S-car go!'"
The dealer asks, "Why 'S'?"
The snail replies, "'S' stands for snail. I want everybody who sees me roaring past to know who's driving. I want everyone to say, ... 'Wow! Look at that S-car go!'"
Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit?
A: Unique up on it!
Q: How do you catch a tame rabbit?
A: Tame way, unique up on it!
Similar, but unrelated:
Q: How do you top a car?
A: You tep on the brake.
A: Unique up on it!
Q: How do you catch a tame rabbit?
A: Tame way, unique up on it!
Similar, but unrelated:
Q: How do you top a car?
A: You tep on the brake.
One day Adam and Eve looked up and saw God standing there holding a bag.
"Hi, God. What's in the bag?" asked Eve.
"These are a couple of things that I have left over from creation." God rummages around in the bag a moment. "Who wants to be able to pee standing up?"
Adam immediately puts his hand up in the air, waving frantically. "Me! Me! Me! Oh, oh, PLEASE, God, let me have it! Just think of how much more work I could get done in the fields if I could pee standing up! And it would help SO MUCH when I'm out hunting! Oh, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE let me have it!"
"Well, OK, here you go."
"Now, let's see what else we have." God rummages about a bit more in the bag. "Ah, right. Multiple orgasms."
"Hi, God. What's in the bag?" asked Eve.
"These are a couple of things that I have left over from creation." God rummages around in the bag a moment. "Who wants to be able to pee standing up?"
Adam immediately puts his hand up in the air, waving frantically. "Me! Me! Me! Oh, oh, PLEASE, God, let me have it! Just think of how much more work I could get done in the fields if I could pee standing up! And it would help SO MUCH when I'm out hunting! Oh, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE let me have it!"
"Well, OK, here you go."
"Now, let's see what else we have." God rummages about a bit more in the bag. "Ah, right. Multiple orgasms."
How many country and western musicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
---It takes Five. One to change the lightbulb, and the other four to sit around and sing how much they long for the old one.
---It takes Five. One to change the lightbulb, and the other four to sit around and sing how much they long for the old one.
A banker, a tea party member, and a union member are sitting at a table. On the table is a plate with twelve cookies. The banker takes eleven cookies, then leans over to the tea party member and whispers in his ear: "Watch out, that union guy wants part of your cookie!"
What did Tennessee?
The same thing Arkansas.
What did Delaware?
Her New Jersey.
Why did Wisconsin with me?
Because Idaho.
The same thing Arkansas.
What did Delaware?
Her New Jersey.
Why did Wisconsin with me?
Because Idaho.
An escaped convict breaks into a house, looking for money and guns. Inside, he finds a couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of the bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain...do what ever he tells you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"
His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too."
He orders the guy out of the bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain...do what ever he tells you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"
His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too."
A little girl looks at her mom in the bathroom one day and says, "Mom you're getting fat."
Her mom tells her, "We talked about this. Mommy has a baby growing in her stomach."
The little girl asks, "What have you got growing in your ....?"
Her mom tells her, "We talked about this. Mommy has a baby growing in her stomach."
The little girl asks, "What have you got growing in your ....?"
A student, short on cash, tries to hint to his father in a letter home:
Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply ¢an't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love,
Your $on.
After receiving his son's letter, the father immediately replies by sending a letter back.
Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love,
Dad
Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply ¢an't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love,
Your $on.
After receiving his son's letter, the father immediately replies by sending a letter back.
Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love,
Dad
Q: A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest boobs?
A: The blonde, because she's 18.
A: The blonde, because she's 18.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Impatient cow.
Impati---
MOOOOO
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Schizophrenic Dolphin.
Schizoph---
MOOOOO
Who's there?
Impatient cow.
Impati---
MOOOOO
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Schizophrenic Dolphin.
Schizoph---
MOOOOO
If you want some great one and two liners ... goto Youtube and find any video of The Jungle Cruise at either WDW or DL and head towards the end of the video. If the boat the filmer was on got backed up near the end of the ride, the skipper is going to be non stop with them to kill time.
"Where ya from?"
"Arizona"
"Sir, I would like to point out something you might not have seen before," gestures to the river, "WATER!"
Stuff like that.
Not a joke, per se, but as delivered by Louis CK, it was absolutely hilarious...
The other day my daughter asks me a question.
"Papa, does the earth go around the sun?"
"Yes it does."
"Does it do it all the time?"
"Yes it does."
"Will the earth always go around the sun?"
"Well, no. One day the sun will explode."
And just immediately, my daughter starts crying bitter tears for the death of all humanity. And this is how I try to make it better.
"Oh, don't worry honey. This won't happen until you and everyone you know have been dead a very long time."
SHE DIDN'T KNOW ANY OF THAT. Now she knows that she's gonna die, everyone she knows is gonna die they're gonna be dead for a very long time and then the sun is gonna explode. She's seven years old. She didn't know any of that, and she learned it all in twelve seconds.
To her credit, she handled it pretty well. I was pretty proud of her.
"Oh, geez. Uh...I, guess I'll go play then?"
The other day my daughter asks me a question.
"Papa, does the earth go around the sun?"
"Yes it does."
"Does it do it all the time?"
"Yes it does."
"Will the earth always go around the sun?"
"Well, no. One day the sun will explode."
And just immediately, my daughter starts crying bitter tears for the death of all humanity. And this is how I try to make it better.
"Oh, don't worry honey. This won't happen until you and everyone you know have been dead a very long time."
SHE DIDN'T KNOW ANY OF THAT. Now she knows that she's gonna die, everyone she knows is gonna die they're gonna be dead for a very long time and then the sun is gonna explode. She's seven years old. She didn't know any of that, and she learned it all in twelve seconds.
To her credit, she handled it pretty well. I was pretty proud of her.
"Oh, geez. Uh...I, guess I'll go play then?"
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