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Love it, Caff! Such a Dad joke! Here's a similar one:
Once there was a great man who did good works all through the desert. He was referred to as mystical, a good witch doctor. But as he walked many miles in sandals in hot weather doing good Samaritan work his feet became plagued with callouses. He began to get older, and his health began to weaken, he lost weight and became fragile. His teeth began to decay and his breath was always quite fetid.
He walked into a village one day and bean distributing his meagre portions of food to hungry children. The villagers were amazed and grateful, and began asking one another "who is this super calloused fragile mystic vexed by halitosis?"
Once there was a great man who did good works all through the desert. He was referred to as mystical, a good witch doctor. But as he walked many miles in sandals in hot weather doing good Samaritan work his feet became plagued with callouses. He began to get older, and his health began to weaken, he lost weight and became fragile. His teeth began to decay and his breath was always quite fetid.
He walked into a village one day and bean distributing his meagre portions of food to hungry children. The villagers were amazed and grateful, and began asking one another "who is this super calloused fragile mystic vexed by halitosis?"
Resuscitating this old thread with a few quick Q&A's :
Q: Why can’t atheists solve exponential equations?
A: Because they don’t believe in higher powers.
*****
Q: What's the difference between an in-law and an outlaw?
A: Outlaws are wanted.
*****
Q: Who brings colorful eggs to chemist's kids each spring?
A: The Ether Bunny.
Q: Why can’t atheists solve exponential equations?
A: Because they don’t believe in higher powers.
*****
Q: What's the difference between an in-law and an outlaw?
A: Outlaws are wanted.
*****
Q: Who brings colorful eggs to chemist's kids each spring?
A: The Ether Bunny.
An out-of-work actor tells his agent he desperately needs work. His agent tells him all he has is a one-liner in a play. The actor accepts it. His line is "Hark, I hear a cannon in the distance!!"
He practices all week. Standing in front of the mirror, "Hark, I hear a cannon in the distance!!"
The night of the play comes. He heads into the theatre and the guy at the front door asks who he is. I am "Hark, I hear a cannon in the distance!!" The guy tells him to hurry, the show has already started.
He heads backstage and gets stopped again. I am "Hark, I hear a cannon in the distance!!" He is told to hurry to make-up.
He gets to make-up and is asked who he is again. I am "Hark, I hear a cannon in the distance!!" He is quickly sat down and is done with his make-up in no time, and told to hurry - his line is coming up.
He nervously waits for his cue. They cue him to come onstage. He stands proudly...
Then, in the distance a loud BOOM !! is heard, and he says "Holy crap!...What the hell was that?!?"
He practices all week. Standing in front of the mirror, "Hark, I hear a cannon in the distance!!"
The night of the play comes. He heads into the theatre and the guy at the front door asks who he is. I am "Hark, I hear a cannon in the distance!!" The guy tells him to hurry, the show has already started.
He heads backstage and gets stopped again. I am "Hark, I hear a cannon in the distance!!" He is told to hurry to make-up.
He gets to make-up and is asked who he is again. I am "Hark, I hear a cannon in the distance!!" He is quickly sat down and is done with his make-up in no time, and told to hurry - his line is coming up.
He nervously waits for his cue. They cue him to come onstage. He stands proudly...
Then, in the distance a loud BOOM !! is heard, and he says "Holy crap!...What the hell was that?!?"
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An engineer friend of mine got me with this one the other day -- He told me he was going to show me how to make a digital amplifier in 5 seconds. Then he wrapped his fingers in a cone around his mouth and started shouting "See! It's Amazing!"
Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of boobs in there.
Because you could easily fit another pair of boobs in there.
A brunette walks into the doctors office.
"Doctor," she says, "Everywhere I touch it hurts."
The doctor invites her into the office and says, "All right, lets see."
The woman touches her cheek, "Ow!" Then her hip. "Ow!" Then then her leg. "Ow!"
The doctor looks at her for a minute and says, "Youre really a blonde, aren't you?"
The woman slowly nods.
"And you've broken your finger."
"Doctor," she says, "Everywhere I touch it hurts."
The doctor invites her into the office and says, "All right, lets see."
The woman touches her cheek, "Ow!" Then her hip. "Ow!" Then then her leg. "Ow!"
The doctor looks at her for a minute and says, "Youre really a blonde, aren't you?"
The woman slowly nods.
"And you've broken your finger."
A farmer buys a truckload of fencing material, and is looking to pen in his cattle. So, he gets an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician to look over the situation and says, "Whoever builds the fence that gives my cattle the most area to graze gets $1000 dollars."
The engineer thinks he's got it licked. He knows that with any amount of fencing material a circle will enclose the most area. He builds a circular fence and shows the farmer.
"That’s very good," says the farmer.
The physicist thinks he's got the engineer beat. He disassembles the circular fence and builds a new one. His fence is one long, straight line. He shows it to the farmer and explains, "The fence is so long that we can assume each end goes out to infinity. Therefore the enclosed area is half the earth. You can't do much better than that!"
The farmer says, "Well, that’s quite odd, but I suppose I can't argue with it."
The mathematician looks disapprovingly at the other two. He knocks down a small section of the physicist’s fence and builds a new one. It’s a very, very small fence that forms a circle around his feet. He looks up and triumphantly says, "I declare myself to be on the outside."
He collects his $1000 and goes home.
The engineer thinks he's got it licked. He knows that with any amount of fencing material a circle will enclose the most area. He builds a circular fence and shows the farmer.
"That’s very good," says the farmer.
The physicist thinks he's got the engineer beat. He disassembles the circular fence and builds a new one. His fence is one long, straight line. He shows it to the farmer and explains, "The fence is so long that we can assume each end goes out to infinity. Therefore the enclosed area is half the earth. You can't do much better than that!"
The farmer says, "Well, that’s quite odd, but I suppose I can't argue with it."
The mathematician looks disapprovingly at the other two. He knocks down a small section of the physicist’s fence and builds a new one. It’s a very, very small fence that forms a circle around his feet. He looks up and triumphantly says, "I declare myself to be on the outside."
He collects his $1000 and goes home.
Get ready to groan...
There once was a couple of weevils, and they were brothers. One of them went off to college and did very well for himself. The other one just stayed at home.
He was known as the lesser of two weevils.
There once was a couple of weevils, and they were brothers. One of them went off to college and did very well for himself. The other one just stayed at home.
He was known as the lesser of two weevils.
A priest, a pedophile, and an alcoholic walk into a bar. He sits down and orders a beer.
Q: What do you call a dog with no legs?
A: Doesn't matter he isn't gonna come.
Q: Where do you find legless turtles?
A: Pretty much where you leave 'em.
A: Doesn't matter he isn't gonna come.
Q: Where do you find legless turtles?
A: Pretty much where you leave 'em.
A guy walks into a bar. He sits down and orders 12 shots of tequila and tells the bartender to line them all up, right in front of him. The guy proceeds to rapidly slam the shots, one after the other. He's about to down the last shot when the bartender speaks up, "Say, aren't you drinking those kinda fast?"
The man answers, "You would too, if you had what I've got."
The bartender asks with obvious concern, "Oh no, what've you got?"
The man says, "Seventy-five cents," puts three quarters on the bar, and runs out.
The man answers, "You would too, if you had what I've got."
The bartender asks with obvious concern, "Oh no, what've you got?"
The man says, "Seventy-five cents," puts three quarters on the bar, and runs out.
This one you can tell your kids ...
A family sits down for their Sunday dinner ... five minutes into the meal there is a knock at the door.
Dad says ... little Billy, you wanna get that? ... little Billy goes to the front door ... looks around and there is nobody there.
A couple of minutes later there is another knock on the door ... this time, Dad says ... I 'll get this.
He opens the door and doesn't see anybody ... however, he looks down ... and notices a small snail on the doormat ... he reaches down, picks up the snail and tosses it across the street into the woods.
Exactly three years later, to the day, as they are sitting down for Sunday dinner ... there is a knock at the door.
Dad says ... I'll get it ... he goes to the front door and doesn't see anybody ... however, he looks down and sees a snail laying on the door mat.
Just as he reaches down ... the snail looks up at him ... and says ...
Dude ... what was that all about?
A family sits down for their Sunday dinner ... five minutes into the meal there is a knock at the door.
Dad says ... little Billy, you wanna get that? ... little Billy goes to the front door ... looks around and there is nobody there.
A couple of minutes later there is another knock on the door ... this time, Dad says ... I 'll get this.
He opens the door and doesn't see anybody ... however, he looks down ... and notices a small snail on the doormat ... he reaches down, picks up the snail and tosses it across the street into the woods.
Exactly three years later, to the day, as they are sitting down for Sunday dinner ... there is a knock at the door.
Dad says ... I'll get it ... he goes to the front door and doesn't see anybody ... however, he looks down and sees a snail laying on the door mat.
Just as he reaches down ... the snail looks up at him ... and says ...
Dude ... what was that all about?
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