Food & Drug Administration
April 2009
It has been brought to our attention that there are many U.S. citizens who are practicing the inhalation of "Oxygen". As this use has a profound impact on the human body, and because the FDA has not had an opportunity (or time, money, resources, desire, or motivation) at this time to conduct a 35-year study on the impact of "Oxygen" on laboratory animals, we have decided that this "Oxygen" thing must be a "New Drug".
Under current FDA regulations, it is therefore illegal to be found using, distributing, manufacturing, or inhaling "Oxygen". In addition, we have advised the Customs Department to immediately be on the lookout for "Oxygen" that may be coming a crossed U.S. borders. Customs will also be on the lookout for "Oxygen" being shipped into the U.S. labeled as "Plutonium-235" or other already approved and tested materials.
Using every-day common knowledge of "Oxygen"s effect on fire, it is apparent to us that this New Drug is extremely dangerous, and action must be taken to eliminate all use until such time as we can determine a reasonable method to make a profit on the generation and use of said drug. (If there is no "Oxygen", there is no fire. That PROVES that "Oxygen" must be bad).
We are additionally petitioning Congress for the funds required to begin a comprehensive analysis of this "Oxygen" material. However, as we are not executives within the AIG organization, we expect our request will be denied. This will not, however, prevent the FDA from making very legal sounding threats on the actions we would be undertaking if we had the time and money or the desire to actually prevent unnecessary use.
Additionally, as we are attempting to operate more efficiently, we would appreciate it if you would print multiple copies of this letter and distribute it to any and all citizens you see using this new drug "Oxygen" and warn them about the "proposed" consequences of continued use. Also, tell them how serious we are about sounding official on this matter.
Helen Wate
Public Relations & Marketing Department
U.S. Food & Drug Administration
April 2009
It has been brought to our attention that there are many U.S. citizens who are practicing the inhalation of "Oxygen". As this use has a profound impact on the human body, and because the FDA has not had an opportunity (or time, money, resources, desire, or motivation) at this time to conduct a 35-year study on the impact of "Oxygen" on laboratory animals, we have decided that this "Oxygen" thing must be a "New Drug".
Under current FDA regulations, it is therefore illegal to be found using, distributing, manufacturing, or inhaling "Oxygen". In addition, we have advised the Customs Department to immediately be on the lookout for "Oxygen" that may be coming a crossed U.S. borders. Customs will also be on the lookout for "Oxygen" being shipped into the U.S. labeled as "Plutonium-235" or other already approved and tested materials.
Using every-day common knowledge of "Oxygen"s effect on fire, it is apparent to us that this New Drug is extremely dangerous, and action must be taken to eliminate all use until such time as we can determine a reasonable method to make a profit on the generation and use of said drug. (If there is no "Oxygen", there is no fire. That PROVES that "Oxygen" must be bad).
We are additionally petitioning Congress for the funds required to begin a comprehensive analysis of this "Oxygen" material. However, as we are not executives within the AIG organization, we expect our request will be denied. This will not, however, prevent the FDA from making very legal sounding threats on the actions we would be undertaking if we had the time and money or the desire to actually prevent unnecessary use.
Additionally, as we are attempting to operate more efficiently, we would appreciate it if you would print multiple copies of this letter and distribute it to any and all citizens you see using this new drug "Oxygen" and warn them about the "proposed" consequences of continued use. Also, tell them how serious we are about sounding official on this matter.
Helen Wate
Public Relations & Marketing Department
U.S. Food & Drug Administration
The Wiz!
