The Super Colossal Mega Herculean Juice Give Away!!!!!!!!!!! PIF Birthday Contest!

[CarrieM]

A man woke up in a hospital bed and called for his doctor. He asked "Give it to me straight. How long have I got?" The physician replied that he doubted that his patient would survive the night. The man then said "Call for my lawyer."

When the lawyer arrived, the man asked for his physician to stand on one side of the bed, while the lawyer stood on the other. The man then laid back and closed his eyes. When he remained silent for several minutes, the physician asked what he had in mind.

The man replied "Jesus died with a thief on either side, and I thought I'd check out the same way."

 

[CarrieM]

I got a phone call from the school. "We are sending your
child home because he has misbehaved"

"How come?" I asked. "He's got swimming today"

"Yes" replied the teacher "but he relieved himself in the pool".

"Be fair" I said, "He's only 6 years old. Surely lots of 6-yr old
kids relieve themselves in the pool".

"Maybe", replied the teacher. "But not from the top diving board".

 

[Vchick]

As I developed into a teenager I often wondered when exactly my mother
thought it would be fun to start embarrasing me....

I didn't realize it had actually started early on in my young life.......



View attachment 92548

 

[BiancaMontgomery]

If you knew how funny I really thought this was, you might worry about me.

(you'll have to click the "Watch on Youtube" link, I hate it when that happens!)

 

[tmcase]

I think I'm ready now for a night on the town.

 

[tmcase]

oldsoldier without his uniform.

(Sorry, I just couldn't resist) ​

 

[BluSwatch]

Joke #1 -

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really .......

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday

 

[Lauralie]

No 1

Larry the woodworker called his boss and said: "Hey, boss I'm not coming to work today, I'm really sick, I got a headache, a stomach ache, my leg hurts, I just can't make it in."

The boss says: "Larry I really need you today. When I feel sick like that I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should give it a try."

Two hours later Larry the woodworker calls again: "Boss, I did what you said and I feel great, I'll be in right away. By the way, you sure got a nice house."

 

[BluSwatch]

#2 - I couldn't let the Blondes and Rednecks have all the fun ....

Why do brunettes always smile during lightning storms?
They think their picture is being taken.

What is eternity?
When 4 brunettes meet at a 4-way-stop-sign-intersection!

If a blonde and a brunette were falling off a building, who would hit the ground first?
The blonde because the brunette would stop for directions.

What do you do if a brunette throws a pin at you?
Run like heck - she's got a grenade in her mouth!

What do you call a brunette who dies her hair blonde?
Artificial intelligence.

Why did the brunette tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.

Why do brunettes like their dark hair color?
It doesn't show the dirt.

Who makes all the bras for brunettes?
Fisher-Price

Why are most brunettes flatchested?
It makes it easier to read their T-shirt.

Why are brunettes so proud of their hair?
It matches their mustache.

Why do brunettes sleep all night on their stomachs?
Because they can.


A brunette is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds." When the brunette returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?" The brunette nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor. "No, from all that skipping."

A Russian, an American, and a Brunette were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the first on the moon!" The Brunette said, "So what, we're going to be the first on the sun!" The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian. To which the Brunette replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

 

[Lauralie]

No 2

The first mod I ever made:

And look at the Vapor Production - first test run:

 

[Stoggy24]

this always cracks me up

 

[Stoggy24]

entry 2
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

 

[Lorizgal]

This is my college age daughter playing with the phone

Sent from my C771 using Tapatalk 2

 

[Lorizgal]

And for reply #2

Sent from my C771 using Tapatalk 2

 

[mfraz25]

this always giggles me:

 

[lilith79]

Entry one:

 

[trepalium]

Entry 1

 

[trepalium]

Entry two. I hope you like this one.

http://skippyslist.com/list/

 

[lilith79]

Entry two
http://weknowmemes.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/02/......-off-cat.jpg

 

[MASTER0FDAMPF]

A very handsome and even more confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and cant help but ask, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."

The woman is intrigued and asks, "A state-of-the-art watch? Whats so special about it?"

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.

"Whats it telling you now?"

"Well, it says youre not wearing any panties..."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!"

The man taps on the face of the watch and explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."