Valley View Vapes - Win a FREE Polypropylene Tank - Weekly Contest

[lettucehead]

2)

A man died and went to The Judgment, they told him , “Before you meet with God, I should tell you — we’ve looked over your life, and to be honest you really didn’t do anything particularly good or bad. We’re not really sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything you did that can help us make a decision?”

The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied, “Yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a person who was being harassed by a group of thugs. So I pulled over, got out a bat, and went up to the leader of the thugs. He was a big, muscular guy with a ring pierced through his lip. Well, I tore the ring out of his lip, and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering this guy or they would have to deal with me!”

“Wow that’s impressive, “When did this happen?”

“About three minutes ago,” came the reply.

 

[Vince Clortho]

2. Boy, those French: They have a different word for everything!

S. Martin

 

[lettucehead]

3)

Marvin, was in the hospital on his death bed.
The family called Marvin’s Preacher to be with him in his final moments.

As the Preacher stood by the bed, Marvin’s condition seemed to deteriorate, and Marvin motioned for someone to quickly pass him a pen and paper. The Preacher quickly got a pen and paper and lovingly handed it to Marvin.
But before he had a chance to read the note, Marvin died.

The Preacher feeling that now wasn’t the right time to read it put the note in his jacket pocket.
It was at the funeral while speaking that the Preacher suddenly remembered the note.
Reaching deep into his pocket the Preacher said “and you know what, I suddenly remembered that right before Marvin died he handed me a note, and knowing Marvin I’m sure it was something inspiring that we can all gain from.

With that introduction the Preacher ripped out the note and opened it.

The note said “HEY, YOU ARE STANDING ON MY OXYGEN TUBE!”

 

[glassmanoak]

3
Q: How do you keep a skunk from smelling?
A: Hold his nose.

 

[DreamingButterfly81]

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft,it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

 

[glassmanoak]

4

Q: Why are blondes only allowed 30 minute lunch breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them if they take an hour.

 

[lettucehead]

4)

Three men, a Frenchman, an Italian, and a Russian, were condemned to be executed. Their captors told them that they had the right to have a final meal before the execution.

They asked the Frenchman what he wanted.
“Give me some good French wine and French bread,” he requested. So they gave it to him, he ate it, and then they executed him.

Next it was the Italian’s turn. Give me a big plate of pasta,” said the Italian. So they brought it to him, he ate it, and then they executed him.

Now it was the Russian’s turn. “I want a big bowl of fresh ripe strawberries, ” he said.

“Strawberries!!! They aren’t even in season!” said his captors.

“That's OK, I’ll wait…”

 

[glassmanoak]

5
Q. What did the police officer say to the midget complaining that someone picked his pocket?

A. I can’t believe someone would stoop so low.

I didn't save the best for last

 

[lettucehead]

5)

Love - for the unromantic, but trying...

You’re like my asthma – you take my breath away.
Like dandruff – I can’t get you off my head.
Like my car – you drive me crazy.
Like dentures – I can’t smile without you.

 

[Vince Clortho]

3. I believe in equality. Equality for everybody. No matter how stupid they are or how superior I am to them.

S. Martin

 

[DreamingButterfly81]

#4 One Christmas, group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the officeand asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chessnuts boasting in an open foyer."

 

[Vince Clortho]

4. First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.

S. Martin

 

[DreamingButterfly81]

#5 And finally, There was a man who sent ten different puns to friends, in the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

 

[glassmanoak]

1
In a cinema, a lady turned round and said to the giggling schoolgirls behind her: "Do you mind, I'm trying to watch the film." "In that case," said one of them, "you're facing the wrong way...

 

[lettucehead]

1)

Don't spend $2 to dry-clean a shirt.
Donate it to the Slvation Army instead.
They'll clean it and put it on a hanger.

Next morning buy it back for 75 cents.

 

[glassmanoak]

2
This one is from Gilbert and Sullivan (1877)

My name is John Wellington Wells.
I'm a dealer in magic and spells.
In blessings and curses
And ever-filled purses
In prophecies, witches and knells.

 

[lettucehead]

2)

Know why a room full of married people looks so empty?

There's not a Single person in it...

 

[Vince Clortho]

1. I don’t like country music, but I don’t mean to denigrate those who do. And for those who like country music, denigrate means to “put down.”

B. Newhart

 

[glassmanoak]

3
A Scotsman and an Englishman lived next door to each other.

The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning he would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast.

One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg.

The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen.

The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.

They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said, "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the testicles and time how long it takes for you to get back up. Then you kick me in the testicles and time how long it takes for me to get up. Whoever gets up quicker wins the egg."

The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman put on the heaviest pair of boots he could find. He took a few steps back, then ran toward the Englishman and kicked him as hard as he could in the testicles.

The Englishman fell to the floor clutching his groin, howling in agony for 30 minutes.

Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to kick you."

The Scotsman smiled and said, "Ye can keep the damn egg!!"

 

[Vince Clortho]

2. Some people wonder if it isn’t unusual for an accountant to become a comedian. It’s unusual for a good account to become a comedian. I was a very poor accountant.

B. Newhart