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[glassmanoak]

#2
A man swims into a bar...
Bartender says "hey, whats with the turd on your head?"
The guy says, "Hell, that's no turd, its a Republican CARE Package!"

 

[proudlion]

#1
Long ago, in a small town nestled in the mountains and overlooking some agrarian European countryside, stood a large cathedral. Once ornate and beautiful, the cathedral had fallen into disrepair because church attendance had plummeted. In those days, the poor farmers liked to sleep in and spend the remainder of their Sundays watching medieval sports in the fields and drinking ales and hard ciders at pubs.

Distraught, the priest sat in his office, agonizing over ways to boost his attendance, when a hay cart pulled up to the church door. Off the cart flopped a small, scruffy-looking man with no arms and no legs, clad only in a burlap sack.

The priest met the limbless man at the door and told him, "Our church has not the money to maintain itself, let alone offer you food or shelter. Move along to the next town."

"I will work for my room and board, father," said the man. "My skills could be of great use to your cathedral."

"You have no arms and no legs," said the priest. "What skill could you possibly have that could benefit my church?"

"I am a bell ringer, sir. I have developed a technique for ringing a church bell so loud and so clear that people will hear for miles, and the beauty of the sound will compel them to mass."

The priest could hardly believe the claim, since a man with no arms or legs would surely have great difficulty pulling a rope to ring the church bell. But the priest was overwhelmed with compassion and agreed to give the man food and shelter, at least until he could demonstrate his bell-ringing that Sunday.

Sunday morning came, and the priest carried the limbless man up the long flights of stairs to the bell tower. The man thanked the priest and began to wiggle, inch and squirm his way up the scaffolding next to the bell. Once he reached the top of the scaffolding, he hurled his body off, plummeting toward the bell, which he struck with his face.

And the bell rang so loud and so clear that every person in town rose from bed and felt compelled to come to mass. They came out in large crowds and gathered in the square in front of the church.

The bell was still ringing beautifully, but it rang so loudly that the entire tower began to shake. The shaking became increasingly violent, until the limbless man was shaken across the floor and out the tower window.

The townspeople gathered around this strange limbless man who had plummeted to his death. The priest ran down the tower stairs, pushed his way to the center of the crowd and kneeled beside the limbless man's body.

"Father, who is this man?" demanded the townspeople.

"I don't know his name," said the priest, "but his face rings a bell."

 

[proudlion]

#2
The weeks passed, and church attendance plummeted even lower. The cathedral's statues were crumbling, the frescoes were fading, and the stained glass murals were losing their color.

Again the priest sat in his office, agonizing over ways to boost his attendance, when another hay cart pulled up to the church door. Off the cart flopped a smaller, dirtier man with no arms and no legs, again clad in a burlap sack.

The priest rushed to the door and asked, "Are you here to be our new bell-ringer, sir?"

"Aye, father," said the man. "My brother rang here before me. But I have refined his technique. You will find my clarity, volume and pitch far surpasses his."

"Good," said the priest. "That glorious sound was the best thing to happen to our church in years. But please, be careful not to fall out of the tower."

Sunday morning came, and the priest sprinted up the tower stairs, carrying the limbless man. The man thanked the priest and began to wiggle, inch and squirm his way up the scaffolding next to the bell. Once he reached the top of the scaffolding, he hurled his body off, plummeting toward the bell, which he struck with his face.

And the bell rang even louder and clearer than before, so that people from far away towns were rising and coming to the cathedral. The largest crowd the town had ever seen gathered in the square in front of the church.

The bell was still ringing beautifully, but again bell tower began to shake. The shaking became even more violent than before, and despite the priest's effort to save him, the limbless man was shaken across the floor and out the tower window.

The townspeople gathered around this new limbless man who had plummeted to his death. The priest ran down the tower stairs, pushed his way to the center of the crowd and kneeled beside the limbless man's body.

"Father, who is this man?" demanded the townspeople.

"I think that's pretty obvious," said the priest. "He's a dead ringer for his brother."

 

[proudlion]

#3
An elderly couple found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter. "Here is your oceanside condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout the area."

"Heck, Delores," the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off, "we could have been here ten years ago if you hadn't gotten so excited about all those stupid oat bran, wheat germ and low-fat diets!"

 

[proudlion]

#4
"Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing." ~Redd Foxx

 

[proudlion]

#5
"Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich by promising to protect each from the other" ~Oscar Ameringer

 

[glassmanoak]

#3
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
A stick!

 

[glassmanoak]

#4
When does the hurricane hit Tampa?
Tonight, just before his speech.

 

[mogium]

1)
Supplemental Rules for Bowling

If you holler "overs!" before the ball passes the arrows, you get to throw the ball over, unless of course, you get a strike. In which case, you can renege on the "overs".

When your team is about 10 marks down in the 8th or 9th frame, you can invoke the rule "First Team Through Bowling Wins the Game", and your team still has a chance.

After a member of the opposing team bowls 4 strikes in a row, he/she must bowl the next 4 frames blindfolded. If he/she continues to strike, his/her shoelaces will be tied together for 2 frames.

When you leave the 10-pin and you know you can't make the spare, but another member of your team can, invoke the "Designated Bowler" rule.

After you have 4 splits in one game, you may say "Kings X" and take those 4 frames over. However, if you split on the 2nd time around, you accept it. After all, "Fair is Fair".

If your ball goes in the gutter and jumps back onto the lane, knocking dow pins, by golly, you get them! That's much harder than to knock them down the conventional way. Good bowling should be recognized.

A ball should be declared dead when you bowl 3 games without a strike. It shall be the owners privilege to decide on the disposition of said dead ball - Burial at Sea, Dropped from an airplane over a live volcano, or a simple burial in the city dump. For a small fee, a league officer can be bribed to deliver a short eulogy

 

[mogium]

2)
Number One Sport
A woman, while touring a small South American country was shown a bullfight.

The guide told her, "This is our number one sport."

The horrified woman said, "Isn't that revolting?"

"No," the guide replied, "revolting is our number two sport."

 

[mogium]

3)
10 Reasons Not To Jog
1. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now & we don't know where the heck she is.

2. The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

3. I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.

4. I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

5. I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.

6. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

7. I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

8. The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

9. If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

10. I don't jog. It makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

 

[mogium]

4)

10 things in golf that sound dirty
1. Look at the size of his putter.

2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent.

3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker.

4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.

5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.

6. Lift your head and spread your legs.

7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.

8. Just turn your back and drop it.

9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls.

10. Damn, I missed the hole again.

 

[mogium]

5)
A Fisherman's Tale
Two fellas are fishing in a boat under a bridge.

One looks up and sees a funeral procession starting across the bridge.

He stands up, takes off his cap, and bows his head.

The procession crosses the bridge and the man puts on his cap, picks up his rod and reel, and continues fishing.

The other guy says, "That was touching. I didn't know you had it in you."

The first guy responds, "Well, I guess it was the thing to do - after all, I was married to her for 40 years."

 

[glassmanoak]

#5

The fight we had last night was my fault,
my wife asked me what was on the TV and I said "dust".

pa rum pum

 

[Graveflower]

#1
Whats the hardest part about eating a vegetable?
Putting her back in the wheelchair when your done...

 

[Graveflower]

#2
What is Superman's greatest weakness?
A bucking horse.

 

[Graveflower]

#3
What do you call a gangbanger behind bars?
Anything you want.

 

[Graveflower]

#4
Why are black men penises bigger than white men?
Because as kids white men had toys to play with

 

[Graveflower]

#5
What is the difference between ooooooh and aaaaaaah?
About three inches.

 

[DreamingButterfly81]

#1 On the outskirts of town, there was a big old pecan tree by the cemetery fence.

One day two kids filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing them.

One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said the boy. Several were dropped and rolled down toward the gate. Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." He just knew what it was. "Oh my," he shuddered, "it's Satan and the Lord dividing the souls at the cemetery." He jumped back on his bike and rode off.

Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard. Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!" The man said, "Beat it, kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk?" When the boy insisted, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth, let's see if we can see the devil himself." Shaking with fear, they peered through the gate, yet were still unable to see anything.

The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the gate tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of Satan.

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the gate, and we'll be done." They say, the old guy made it back to town before the boy!