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[axolotly]

3. The joke here is that I don't know this:

My buddy is lending me a Provari (first APV I am trying!), and I want to get a tank. Two questions: I have a bunch of shorty SMOKtech LR cartos - is there a "shorty" tank from VVV I can buy, and if so, what is this business about "punching" cartos? Second question: if I can't use the shorty cartos, what exactly should I buy from VVV so I can have a good time with the Provari?

 

[glassmanoak]

1
Q: What's worse than having a worm in your apple?
A: Taking a bite and finding a half of a worm in the apple!



Why am I up and posting at this time in the morning?
I have no f-ing idea!

 

[mogium]

#1
Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, the pretty girl said, "I would like to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?" "Only one kiss per yard," replied the male clerk with a smirk. "That's fine," said the girl. "I'll take ten yards." With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, then teasingly held it out.

The girl snapped up the package, pointed to the old geezer standing beside her, and smiled, "Grandpa will pay the bill."

 

[Jenavieves]

1.

A woman meant to call a record store but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead.

"Do you have 'Eyes of Blue' and 'A Love Supreme'?" she asked.

"Well, no," answered the puzzled homeowner. "But I have a wife and eleven children."

"Is that a record?" she inquired.

"I don't think so," replied the man, "but it's as close as I want to get."

 

[mogium]

#2
Little Johnny came downstairs bellowing lustily. His mother asked, "What's the matter now?" "Dad was hanging pictures, and just hit his thumb with a hammer," said Johnny through his tears. "That's not so serious," soothed his mother. "I know you're upset, but a big boy like you shouldn't cry at something like that. Why didn't you just laugh?" "I did!" sobbed Johnny.

 

[Jenavieves]

2.
For weeks a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house.

One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event.

The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?"

Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!"

 

[mogium]

#3
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

 

[Jenavieves]

3.

There was this little kid who had a bad habit of sucking his thumb. His mother finally told him that if he didn't stop sucking his thumb, he'd get fat.

Two weeks later, his mother had her friends over for a game of bridge. The boy points to an obviously pregnant woman and says, "Ah, ha! I know what you've been doing!"

 

[mogium]

#4
A Loan for Kermit

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday." Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

(You're going to love this)




(A masterpiece)




(Wait for it)




The bank manager looks back at her and says..."It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

 

[chieftechnicalwizard]

1)
Q. Why don't blind men skydive?

Great shop Ray

A. Because it scares the sh!7 out of the dog!

Jan G.

Sent using Tapatalk 2

 

[Neya]

1.
Water

My friend was working at an amusement park when a couple stopped him. “Excuse me,” said the woman, pointing to a pond. “What is that water made out of?”

Bemused, my friend replied, “Two parts hydrogen and one part oxygen.”

“See?” she said to her boyfriend. “I told you it wasn’t real.”

 

[julbil98]

1

Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Doris!
Doris who?
Dor is locked that’s why I am knocking!

 

[julbil98]

Deleted back to back

 

[glassmanoak]

2

Q: Where does the one legged man work?
A: At IHOP.

 

[julbil98]

2

Knock, Knock!
Who's there?
Cows go.
Cows go who?
No, cows go moo!

 

[glassmanoak]

3

Q: How do crazy people go through the forest?
A: They take the psycho path.

 

[chieftechnicalwizard]

2)

Pornography is often frowned upon, but that's only because we're concentrating!

 

[glassmanoak]

4

Q: What do you call a song sung in an automobile?
A: A cartoon.

 

[gogoplata]

1. A philosopher went into a closet for ten years to contemplate the question, What is life? When he came out, he went into the street and met an old colleague, who asked him where in heaven's name he had been all those years.

"In a closet," he repied. "I wanted to know what life really is."

"And have you found an answer?"

"Yes," he replied. "I think it can best be expressed by saying that life is like a bridge."

"That's all well and good," replied the colleage, "but can you be a little more explicit? Can you tell me how life is like a bridge?"

"Oh," replied the philosopher after some thought, "maybe you're right; perhaps life is not like a bridge."

 

[ISBN]

#1

substance