What Would You Do if You JUST Found Out You Have a Sister?

[Seabrook]

When my mother gave birth to me, she left the hospital without me. She just didn’t want me at that point in her life. Her mother was so upset with her decision that she told her sister. So, my aunt adopted me. That’s pretty neat to at least stay within my biological family, and I’m content with that. But later, my biological mother gave birth to another little girl.

Most of my life, I never knew who my biological parents were until my late father told me shortly before he passed away. So now I know that I have a sister! The question is, should I try to find her? (Last I heard, she lives on the Florida coast). Just curious as to what others would do since I can’t make up my mind. Please and thank you.

 

[sheryder]

Personally, I would contact her in an indirect way, such as by mail, rather than in person or by phone and introduce yourself to her. Give her a chance to get used to the idea. However, she may already know and have a bias formed due to who brought her up and how much truthful information she was given. You also need to be aware she may reject you entirely and you must be prepared for that. If you can't handle the rejection, then don't open the can of worms. What do those in the know advise you? Listen to them as they have lots more pertinent info than I or anyone on a forum may have. This is a very personal decision and I wish you the best of luck.

After thought added: I would be careful giving her too much info such as your address, phone number etc. ....just sayin' you don't know her and she should be treated as any other stranger until you've developed a relationship with her and come to know she would be safe in your life....or not.

 

[classwife]

When I was -4 my parents divorced. My dad gave me up to be adopted by my step dad 'cause he didn't want to pay child support. When I was about 30, I looked him up and met him. I got Grandparents, an Aunt and Uncle and lots of cousins. They had all been waiting for me to return !!! ( I also got a little brother and sister.) We are all very close !! Now... Notice the brother and sister are in parenthesis ? Well....they were jealous. Wanted nothing to do with me. Have seen them 3 times only and wasn't even envited to weddings...they felt "uncomfortable". What ???? Their loss !! I had wonderful grand parents till they passed, and I have a fantastic Aunt and Uncle and Lots of cousins that love me. !!!
ps: the dad is still the slacker he was and we don't talk much.....

If you make contact...do so with a protected heart....you can open it later if it is safe to do so.

Just my .02 !!!

 

[Seabrook]

That's also what I was thinking about sending her the news by mail.

I saw and played with my sister, Pam, as a very young child maybe 6 times total. Our mother dropped us off at Disneyland to spend the day together when I was about 10. We had a great, fun day, and it's my most cherished childhood memory, although dropping an 8 and 10-year-old off alone all day may not have been the wisest thing to do. Things seemed safer back then. IDK if she has ever been told that I'm her sister. My father was transferred to a different job 150 miles away, so we lost contact over the years and haven't seen her since our fun Disneyland day.

 

[SudokuGal]

Everyone has given some sage advice that I can't add to. Just wanted to give your support in whatever you decide. I too was adopted but by the time I learned that there was a half-brother he had passed...kind of wished I could have met him though.

You might try contacting Troy Dunn, the person behind The Locator (Troy The Locator). There is an option to tell the producers of his show that you'd like to find someone. If you haven't seen his show, try to catch it. He's truly compassionate and is very respectful in locating lost family members.

 

[Mary Kay]

All good advice. I am adopted and had no way of finding my "real" parents until recently. But since my mother would be about 76 now..it seems pointless. Why would I want to ruin her declining years. If she wants to know me..her family may not. If she doesn't want to know me..her family may hate me for forcing her. She may have never told her husband..or family. She may have passed by now. She could have serious problems I wouldn't want to expose my family to...too much time has passed.
I will let sleeping dogs lie and hope for answers in the hereafter.
But if I had a sister..yes I would contact her..Your mom has already acknowledged you..so there is no secret. Except maybe to your sister.
Do it saftly, slowly and above with no pressure. Set up an e-mail account that is not your main account..just for the two of you.
Good luck! keep us updated.

 

[Seabrook]

I hear you, Mary Kay, I don't plan on contacting my mother either. We had quite a good relationship as cousins. See, since I was adopted within the same maternal bloodline, I knew my biological mother as a cousin.

I have spent considerable time today on the phone with relatives in Albuquerque, NM whom I haven't seen in years. They all knew about it. I guess I'm the only one in the family that didn't know. They sure kept the secret well.

It seems like they have all temporarily lost the one person (or so they say) that could give me the information I need. I sent her an eMail at her last-known address, so I guess now I just wait and see if she responds favorably.

Thanks for yours and everyone else's advice.

Edit: The mail delivery system failed. Must not be a valid address. Doesn't look like I'll be hearing from her.

 

[Fudgey]

Seabrook....(((hugs))) It's sounds as though your family was really good at keeping that secret so odds are she doesn't know either. Keep on trying, whether it turns out good or bad at least you won't have to wonder anymore. I never knew my father and I am always wondering what he looks like, do I have brothers, sisters and grandparents out there. It was a taboo subject with my mother, to this day she refuses to tell me who he is or talk about him. I also know there could be good reason for her not to tell me, but I think I am old enough to know what that reason is now. If she did tell me tomorrow who he is I don't know if I would try to find him or not.

 

[Mary Kay]

My family loved thier secrets too. But they seemed to think kids were deaf! The old ladies sat on the porch and gossiped, Lot's of stories I could tell!
Keep trying ladies!

 

[CES]

I don't know the best answer for now Seabrook, and being within the same family makes things different, but it sounds as if you've done what you can do for now. I appreciate everyone's stories.

My SIL found out that she had an older sister that was given up for adoption. She searched for her half sis, because their mother had just finished treatment for breast cancer. My SIL wanted to make sure her sister had the information that she was at risk for breast cancer.

They stayed connected for awhile- but never really clicked. But I know my SIL doesn't regret finding her sister, even if the relationship never really developed.

 

[Seabrook]

Seems like a few of us have this in common. Classy, I enjoyed your beautiful happy-ending story! Fudgey, yeah, the paternal side of my heritage I will never know either, but they were in agreement with the release of me. It's my sister that keeps me going on this. I wasn't there for her when she was growing up, so I want to be there for her now if she's alone and needs and will accept me.

And, I was truly blessed with the most wonderful adoptive parents in the world who lived very long, happy productive lives. I never minded that they were much older than everyone else's parents because they were also wiser -- lucky me!

 

[sleepy jean]

So glad you had lovely adoptive parent's that gave you the love and secuity that every child need's, I'm wondering if your sister had that same up bringing, a mother that drop's off 2 young girls to fend for themselve's a disneyland does'nt sound to good to me. I can't give you any better advice than what the other ladies have given you but I do wish you the best of luck in your quest. Hugs.

 

[Katattack]

Another adoptee here. I've read a lot on reunions and basically it all comes down to "be prepared for any type of response". Your sister could welcome you with open arms or be shocked and angry. As long as you're prepared for what her reaction will be you'll do well. I think your sis has every right to know she has an older sister no matter how she may feel upon hearing the news.

 

[Seabrook]

Well my update is not too encouraging. I did have fun the day I originally posted with calling a few relatives I haven't visited with in quite some time. That alone was uplifting. My cousin in Albuquerque does genealogy and keeps the family records. She is looking into her records and has promised to either call or send me all the latest info she has. Sometimes people get busy in their lives and don't stay current with family relatives, though, like I haven't for quite some time. If I hit a dead end, at least I can say I tried. Thanks to the internet and depending on how much I pursue this, I may find her yet.

 

[Mary Kay]

Speaking of the internet..did you check Facebook and my space? If you have the first and maiden name..you should be able to see if they are on there. Also run a search and then click on pictures in your browser, or google and look at google pics. People get named in other peoples pictures..or company pictures especially real estate, awards or school reunions.
That's another thing..Classmates dot com. If you know her high/Jr. High then you can see if she's listed. It would be worth joining if you could send a message (If she is listed!)
Does the family know if she has kids? Teens would be on Facebook..ect.
See if her town (where she grew up) has an on-line search in city records. That could give you marriages divorce's , property ownership, any court proceedings, Name change and excectutorship for legal proceedings.
The website of the sheriffs office may also have a search engine.
Google your Mom's name..maybe there is a family history or any of the other things mentioned before.
Check Rootseb and Genealogical..For family related names , she may be doing searches too.

 

[Seabrook]

No Mary Kay, but I do have it on my list for the next moves. IDK how to really do either of those, but they sure can't be that hard. I bought a book recently called Facebook: The Missing Manual, The book that should have been in the box. (by E.A. Vander Veer). I just have to devote a half-day to sit down to read -- should be easy peasy -- just don't want to start out looking dorky is why I bought the book. As a single, I sure don't want to get myself in the wrong places for lack of internet savvy. I thought MySpace is for more like pre-teen and teenagers though?

 

[Fudgey]

I use My Space to keep up with my family. It's about the only way I keep in touch with my step-siblings. It's great that I can watch all my nieces and nephews as they grow up. Facebook is confusing to me......that book will definetly come in handy!

Great ideas MK!!

 

[Mary Kay]

Facebook is just a more popular My Space. It's simple to use and if you click on all the 'No Thanks stuff" and unclick any permissions in the security areas...you should be fine. BTW you should be able to see if some one is on face book or my space by doing a google search. Normally it will popup.

 

[Seabrook]

MK, thanks for your last post. I have read it through 3 times now and will copy it into my offline personal to go through it again on any day except today - SB Sunday (too many distractions). My chatterbox SIL is cooking a huge fajitas feast. Anyway, I don't think I really have enough info to do anything except a search among my family members/relatives. All I know is:

Pam's maiden name,
she used to be a topless waitress in a Hawaiian night club
she had one son named Cash; rare 1st name might be a start, but last name unk
she is an excellent equestrian/dressage/thoroughbred trainer
she and her husband owned a horseranch on the Florida coastline (city unk)
When a horse shied and reared, it came down on top of her & put her eye out, so she is half blind (guessing maybe a glass eye?)
She used to own a pony-rides-for-kids business
She and her husband were divorced

Not sure if that's enough to search her with? Maybe I could eMail/contact every horse ranch on the coast of Florida and ask if they know a half-blind woman who trains thoroughbreds? Anyway, I'll keep working on it. Thanks much for your last post.

Edit: Now I mean your next to the last post, LOL.

 

[classwife]

Seabrook...I think that is a ton of info to try to find someone !!!! You'll find her !