CONTEST: Best Joke Wins an iTaste 134 Mini APV! - The Vapor Station

[Ladybear]

10 Facts About You:
1. You're reading this now.
2. You're realizing that this is a stupid fact.
4. You didn't notice I skipped number 3.
5. You're checking now.
6. You're smiling.
7. You're still reading this even though it is stupid.
9. You didn't realize I skipped number 8.
10.You're checking again and smiling because you fell for it again.
11. You're enjoying this.
12. You didn't realize I said 10 facts not 12.

 

[mac63]

His & Hers Diaries - A True Canadian Story

HER DIARY

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.

Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong. He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

HIS DIARY

My Snowmobile wouldn't start today, but at least I got laid.

 

[Shawn Hoefer]

A Texan goes to visit his friend in Arkansas. As they're touring about, they see a turkey.

"What's that?" asks the Texan.

"A turkey," responds the Arkansan.

"Ha! We got sparrows bigger than that in Texas."

A while later a whitetail deer crosses the road.

"What's that?" blurts the Texan.

"A deer," answers the Arkansan.

"Ha! We got rabbits that size in Texas."

By now the Arkansan is getting a bit annoyed with his friends boasting...

The Texan next spots a terrapin turtle waddling along side the road.

"What's that?"

"A tick."

The Texan hasn't come back to Arkansas for some reason...

 

[mac63]

At that very moment, a bee flew in through his window.
The bee said, 'What seems to be the problem?'
'I'm out of gas,' the man answered.
The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away.
Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees
flew to his car and into his gas tank.
A few minutes later, the bees flew out.
'Try it now,' said one bee.
The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up..
'Wow!' the man exclaimed. 'What did you put in my gas tank'?
The bee answered,

bp

 

[spacekitty]

A blonde was speeding in a 35 mile per hour zone when a local police officer pulled her over and walked up to the car.
The officer also happened to be a blonde and she asked for the blonde's driver's license.
The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blonde policewoman, "What does a driver's license look like?"
Irritated, the blonde cop said, "You dummy, it's got your picture on it!"
The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again and found a small, rectangular mirror down at the bottom.
She held it up to her face and said, "Aha!
This must be my driver's license" and handed it to the blonde policewoman.
The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and said,
"You're free to go.
And, if I had known you were a police officer too, we could have avoided all of this."

 

[mac63]

Late Night Phone Call To The Vet

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and in heat, agreed to look after her neighbors' male dog while the neighbors were on vacation. She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate.

Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice. Having explained the problem to him, the vet said,

"Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw."

"Do you think that will work?" she asked.

"It just worked for me," he replied.

 

[spacekitty]

WHAT NOT TO NAME YOUR DOG

Everybody who has a dog calls him Rover or Boy. I called mine SEX. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I wanted a license for Sex. He said, "I'd like to have one too!" Then I said, "But this is a dog." He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "You don't understand, I've had Sex since I was 9 years old." He said I must have been quite a kid.

When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took Sex with me. I told the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the place was for sex. I said, "You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too."

One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked why I was just standing there looking around. I told him I planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me I should have sold my own tickets. "But you don't understand" I said. "I had hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.

When my wife and I separated we went to court to fight for the custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married." The judge said, "Me too."

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over and asked, "What are you doing in this alley at 2 o'clock in the morning?" I said, "Looking for Sex." MY CASE COMES UP FRIDAY.

 

[mac63]

A blonde woman and her neighbor were talking...The neighbor and said:"Close your curtains the next time you & your husband are having sex. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday." To which the blond replied: "Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday."

 

[Ry4life]

So two stoners were driving behind Loraina Bobbitt , when all of a sudden something big splats on the windshield . The driver says "what the hell kinda bug was that?"and the other guys says "I dunno..but did you see the dick on it !"

 

[mac63]

A blonde was driving home, drunk as a skunk. Suddenly she has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another. A cop car pulls her over, so she tells the cop about all the trees in the road. The Cop says" That's your air freshener swinging about!"

 

[spacekitty]

It is reported that the following edition of the Book of Genesis was discovered in the Dead Seal Scrolls. It sheds light on the question, "Where do pets come from?"

And Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me everyday. Now I do not see you anymore and am lonesome. It is difficult for me to remember how much you love me." And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you. Regardless of how selfish and childish and unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do." And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. God said, "Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG." And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but no one has taught him humility." And God said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not worthy of adoration." And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility. And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved. And Cat did not care one way or the other.

 

[mac63]

An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was
working in the yard and asked him, "Grampa, what is couple sex?"
The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a
question, but decided that if she's old enough to know to ask the question, then she's old enough to get a straight answer.
Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to
tell her all about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities of intercourse.

When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking
at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement.
Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her,
"Why did you ask this question, honey?"

The little girl replied, "Grandma says that dinner will
be ready in just a couple secs.

 

[spacekitty]

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana.
She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"
The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand.
Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank.
Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement.

Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back. Frustrated, she shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

 

[mac63]

Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it.
A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Lowe's, Home Depot, Costco, or even Wal-Mart. This one caught me totally by surprise. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.
Here's how the scam works... Two nice looking, college-age girls will come over to your car or truck as you are packing your purchases into your vehicle. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. (It's impossible not to look). When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' but instead ask for a ride to McDonald's.
You agree and they climb into the vehicle. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet. I had my wallet stolen Jan. 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, again on the 17th, 20th, 2 4th, and the 29th. Also Feb. 1st, 4th, 8th, twice on the 16th &17th, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.
So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of us older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.
Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found even cheaper ones for $.99 at the Dollar Store and bought them out in three of their stores.
Also, you never get to eat at McDonald's. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth from Lowe's, to Home Depot, to Wal-Mart.
So please, send this on to all the older men that you know and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam. (The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.)

 

[spacekitty]

 

[eric]

Alright! The contest has ended. I'll have a look at all the jokes over the next 3 days and we'll choose a winner!

 

[rurwin]

Good luck everyone.

True story: I could never send in a joke to the comics when I was a kid. They said the joke had to be original but I didn't know any original jokes, just ones I'd made up myself.

 

[guiltypleasures]

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

 

[blivey]

What's the difference between a raven and a writing desk? One is a pest for wrens and the other is a rest for pens.

 

[liblue1]

Alright! The contest has ended. I'll have a look at all the jokes over the next 3 days and we'll choose a winner!

Good luck everyone.........