So, last night before bed, I set a goal for myself. Only 1 cigarette today when you wake up. The rest of the day, you vape. It was the last thing I thought before I feel asleep.
Today, I woke up and had my one cigarette. Then I sat at the computer for a couple hours and chain vaped. And cruzed ecf and looked at different vender sites day dreaming about what new flavors of juice I want to buy next pay and what new clearomizers I should get (color coding juice is just a brilliant idea that appeals to all the ex-school teacher nerdy qualities in my DNA) and I went off for a short shift at work.
Work has been especially difficult for me as I often spend MANY hours in situations where I can't just vape when I need to. Then my nic levels drop and I need to raise them quickly and only a cig will do. So today's short shift was the perfect break in. I figured, I'd vape when the boss pulled me out to smoke. (Which she does frequently. Sometimes there's actually manager stuff being discussed, today was not the day.) I thought that just about the time I would crack, I'd be getting off work I knew I would reward myself with a couple of beers for not smoking.
Well, IDK what happened, but somehow the boss's mood went from fairly ok to down right .....y in like .2 milliseconds. Like everything was fine all night long. Then there was some discussion about the other AM and I picking up extra hours at another store. And the other AM, who's been having a *difficult* time of leading and catching on to that whole "manager" mentality (and frankly doesn't have the best of role models in our boss) says "I hope he knows what he's getting with me, it's not like I'm that good."
My fearless leader then precedes to go after him saying stuff like "Well you should be, you've been at this since July, it's ridiculous you can't run an opening shift yet without making all kinds of mistakes. If you'd just listen to what I've been telling you ...blah ...blah....blah..." Which, while it may all be true, the place you DON'T do that - is out in the open where a) the other staff members can listen to you verbally berate a fellow employee, much less someone you want them to listen to and c) OUR CUSTOMERS.
So I try to lighten the mood, because that's what I do. I'm not a fighter. (I'm the oldest child of two alcoholic parents. I really really don't like that kind of behavior happening in front of me and I tend to run into retreat mode or "distract them so they quit yelling" mode.) and say, "Well, for my part, I know so and so is asking me to cover not out of desperation, but because I am the founding member of Team Awesome Bea and I'm AWESOME!" Thinking they will both laugh at me and then move on to the next thing. (I have been pulling out the "Team Awesome Bea" thing on people for about a week now - I use it quite a bit tongue and cheek like - think of it like the way Barney Stinson uses "Legendary" if he was fully aware of the fact that whatever he was calling Legendary wasn't really in anyway shape or form.)
Oh no - oh no - oh no! Now I get a good two minutes of listening to "Oh, that's right, I don't do anything around here. I'm just some worthless piece of crap and everyone would be better off without me." When she takes a break, I do say "I didn't say that at all. I don't remember even bringing your name up. I am just stating that I am indeed awesome." (OK, admitedly, that's prolly a little snarky. It is FAR less snarky than the "Yes, when you go from normal to psycho in like .2 milliseconds then spend the next three hours pouting because no one will give you the attention you crave because they're either tired of trying to cheer you up or they are afraid of you - yes - yes we would all be better off without your high school bulls***t reindeer games. You've been threatening to quit since 2 days after you got here (no exaggeration here) yet you are still around. When are you going to do us all a favor and just leave?" So yea - the first comment was waaaaaay more professional.) hat we are loosing at the end of the week because she is being promoted up. While I'm sad to loose her - I'm ESTATIC that she is moving up in the company and happy for her continued success. The boss however has been making her life miserable with "My times are going to go out the window now because you are leaving me." "I'm going to be stuck with X employee now because you are leaving me." (Mind you - X employee is in the building and can hear EVERY word she's saying. I'm dying of mortification because I can't believe she's dissing someone before they even HAVE A CHANCE.)
So it's the three of us and I'm talking to girl getting promoted up and how awesome her new area boss is. Outside of the over time and outside of the bonuses he gives me for helping him out, he's a generally really nice guy who knows his stuff. It's really hard to say no to someone who is that nice. So, crankypants chimes in with "Yea, I can't wait till he gets another store open so I can leave this place. I'm so well loved here and that's just one of the many reasons why I'm sorry I ever took this job." It was at this point I turned and looked at the girl getting promoted up and said "You know what? I've only had 1 cigarette today! Isn't that awesome?!" She also shares my name so I am all like "That reminds me - I have a Team - would you like to be on it? It's Team Awesome Bea!" She's all laughing and like "I like that team." I'm like yea - it kinda started as a joke to the area leader (they needed an area team name and it was one of my many suggestions. He didn't like the ones I made seriously so then I just started making up ridiculous names. ) but now I'm thinking it should be a movement.
!
Cue to things get busy people are in and out of the store and she is in full on pouty mode. She's gone out to smoke. Time's ticking away and my cravings are getting stronger and stronger. The air is getting thicker and thicker - the boss isn't saying anything to anyone. She's throwing stuff around the store. The other staff are giving me the ... eye and all I can do is look at them and whisper "Don't worry, she'll prolly be better once she sends me home. It's MY turn today." The very fact that all I have to say is "It's MY turn today." and the light goes off in their heads and they relax a little should tell you how many times it's been *someone else's * turn.
I'm sooo very close to craking. I keep trying to run back to the office to hit my PV and she's always there and I can only get like one hit in before something else happens that I have to run to the front of the store. I just keep saying in my head. You allowed yourself ONE cigarette today, don't break your promise to yourself because of HER. DO NOT LET HER HAVE THAT KIND OF CONTROL OVER YOU. Deep down, knowing it pisses her off more that I won't engage her till she actually yells at me. And that even then, I'm by FAR the more professional one in the argument hurts her more than getting all pissy right back at her keeps me motivated to keep a level head.
There are 3 smokes in my car. There is a bag of tobacco and some tubes still laying around the house. I thought during the thick of it, I'm going to hit my car and light up asap. And then I'll feel bad because I didn't make my goal. When I got to the car. I vaped. And I vaped. And I vaped. Till I could drive. Then I vaped and I vaped and I vaped till I got to the place to buy my reward beers. Then I bought my beers and I vaped and I vaped and I vaped till I got home.
When I got home, my Penny Kitten was waiting for me and she meowed and she ran to the bed and jumped up on it and we had petting time with purrs and face licking. (She was just spayed 2 days ago so she's been under the weather) Then I cracked a beer and I am vaping and vaping and vaping some more.
But you know what I'm not doing? I'm NOT smoking a cigarette. Because I was only allowed to have ONE today. And breaking a promise to myself at this point would be sinful. I'm ok. My nic levels are more than fine. I don't need to roll a smoke now that I'm home. I MADE it.
Today, I woke up and had my one cigarette. Then I sat at the computer for a couple hours and chain vaped. And cruzed ecf and looked at different vender sites day dreaming about what new flavors of juice I want to buy next pay and what new clearomizers I should get (color coding juice is just a brilliant idea that appeals to all the ex-school teacher nerdy qualities in my DNA) and I went off for a short shift at work.
Work has been especially difficult for me as I often spend MANY hours in situations where I can't just vape when I need to. Then my nic levels drop and I need to raise them quickly and only a cig will do. So today's short shift was the perfect break in. I figured, I'd vape when the boss pulled me out to smoke. (Which she does frequently. Sometimes there's actually manager stuff being discussed, today was not the day.) I thought that just about the time I would crack, I'd be getting off work I knew I would reward myself with a couple of beers for not smoking.
Well, IDK what happened, but somehow the boss's mood went from fairly ok to down right .....y in like .2 milliseconds. Like everything was fine all night long. Then there was some discussion about the other AM and I picking up extra hours at another store. And the other AM, who's been having a *difficult* time of leading and catching on to that whole "manager" mentality (and frankly doesn't have the best of role models in our boss) says "I hope he knows what he's getting with me, it's not like I'm that good."
My fearless leader then precedes to go after him saying stuff like "Well you should be, you've been at this since July, it's ridiculous you can't run an opening shift yet without making all kinds of mistakes. If you'd just listen to what I've been telling you ...blah ...blah....blah..." Which, while it may all be true, the place you DON'T do that - is out in the open where a) the other staff members can listen to you verbally berate a fellow employee, much less someone you want them to listen to and c) OUR CUSTOMERS.
So I try to lighten the mood, because that's what I do. I'm not a fighter. (I'm the oldest child of two alcoholic parents. I really really don't like that kind of behavior happening in front of me and I tend to run into retreat mode or "distract them so they quit yelling" mode.) and say, "Well, for my part, I know so and so is asking me to cover not out of desperation, but because I am the founding member of Team Awesome Bea and I'm AWESOME!" Thinking they will both laugh at me and then move on to the next thing. (I have been pulling out the "Team Awesome Bea" thing on people for about a week now - I use it quite a bit tongue and cheek like - think of it like the way Barney Stinson uses "Legendary" if he was fully aware of the fact that whatever he was calling Legendary wasn't really in anyway shape or form.)
Oh no - oh no - oh no! Now I get a good two minutes of listening to "Oh, that's right, I don't do anything around here. I'm just some worthless piece of crap and everyone would be better off without me." When she takes a break, I do say "I didn't say that at all. I don't remember even bringing your name up. I am just stating that I am indeed awesome." (OK, admitedly, that's prolly a little snarky. It is FAR less snarky than the "Yes, when you go from normal to psycho in like .2 milliseconds then spend the next three hours pouting because no one will give you the attention you crave because they're either tired of trying to cheer you up or they are afraid of you - yes - yes we would all be better off without your high school bulls***t reindeer games. You've been threatening to quit since 2 days after you got here (no exaggeration here) yet you are still around. When are you going to do us all a favor and just leave?" So yea - the first comment was waaaaaay more professional.) hat we are loosing at the end of the week because she is being promoted up. While I'm sad to loose her - I'm ESTATIC that she is moving up in the company and happy for her continued success. The boss however has been making her life miserable with "My times are going to go out the window now because you are leaving me." "I'm going to be stuck with X employee now because you are leaving me." (Mind you - X employee is in the building and can hear EVERY word she's saying. I'm dying of mortification because I can't believe she's dissing someone before they even HAVE A CHANCE.)
So it's the three of us and I'm talking to girl getting promoted up and how awesome her new area boss is. Outside of the over time and outside of the bonuses he gives me for helping him out, he's a generally really nice guy who knows his stuff. It's really hard to say no to someone who is that nice. So, crankypants chimes in with "Yea, I can't wait till he gets another store open so I can leave this place. I'm so well loved here and that's just one of the many reasons why I'm sorry I ever took this job." It was at this point I turned and looked at the girl getting promoted up and said "You know what? I've only had 1 cigarette today! Isn't that awesome?!" She also shares my name so I am all like "That reminds me - I have a Team - would you like to be on it? It's Team Awesome Bea!" She's all laughing and like "I like that team." I'm like yea - it kinda started as a joke to the area leader (they needed an area team name and it was one of my many suggestions. He didn't like the ones I made seriously so then I just started making up ridiculous names. ) but now I'm thinking it should be a movement.
! Cue to things get busy people are in and out of the store and she is in full on pouty mode. She's gone out to smoke. Time's ticking away and my cravings are getting stronger and stronger. The air is getting thicker and thicker - the boss isn't saying anything to anyone. She's throwing stuff around the store. The other staff are giving me the ... eye and all I can do is look at them and whisper "Don't worry, she'll prolly be better once she sends me home. It's MY turn today." The very fact that all I have to say is "It's MY turn today." and the light goes off in their heads and they relax a little should tell you how many times it's been *someone else's * turn.
I'm sooo very close to craking. I keep trying to run back to the office to hit my PV and she's always there and I can only get like one hit in before something else happens that I have to run to the front of the store. I just keep saying in my head. You allowed yourself ONE cigarette today, don't break your promise to yourself because of HER. DO NOT LET HER HAVE THAT KIND OF CONTROL OVER YOU. Deep down, knowing it pisses her off more that I won't engage her till she actually yells at me. And that even then, I'm by FAR the more professional one in the argument hurts her more than getting all pissy right back at her keeps me motivated to keep a level head.
There are 3 smokes in my car. There is a bag of tobacco and some tubes still laying around the house. I thought during the thick of it, I'm going to hit my car and light up asap. And then I'll feel bad because I didn't make my goal. When I got to the car. I vaped. And I vaped. And I vaped. Till I could drive. Then I vaped and I vaped and I vaped till I got to the place to buy my reward beers. Then I bought my beers and I vaped and I vaped and I vaped till I got home.
When I got home, my Penny Kitten was waiting for me and she meowed and she ran to the bed and jumped up on it and we had petting time with purrs and face licking. (She was just spayed 2 days ago so she's been under the weather) Then I cracked a beer and I am vaping and vaping and vaping some more.
But you know what I'm not doing? I'm NOT smoking a cigarette. Because I was only allowed to have ONE today. And breaking a promise to myself at this point would be sinful. I'm ok. My nic levels are more than fine. I don't need to roll a smoke now that I'm home. I MADE it.
