What a long, strange trip it's been - NOT a total success story

I started smoking at 13. That was 36 years ago when we were beginning to suspect but didn't know for sure that smoking was really all that bad for us. It was a socially acceptable practice. Smokers and non-smokers used to peacefully co-exist (or at least respect each others choices). We smoked in each other's homes, in restaurants, at parties, in malls and markets... I can't remember anywhere you couldn't smoke except hospitals, and even then only in rooms using oxygen.

We know a lot more now than we did back then. We're raising generations of non-smokers. We've been reduced to smoking near dumpsters outside in the freezing cold and rain because we're no longer allowed to do it indoors. Anywhere. And while I am still a smoker, sometimes I can't help but resent the fact that the non-smokers rights have superceeded my own and I am still going out to those dumpsters. No indoor sections or even the slightest amenities for smokers. I am now considered a social pyriah. But I am truly addicted.

Like a great deal of us smoking dinosaurs, I have realized the dangers of smoking and made attempts to quit. I took all the usual routes: the patch ("rechargeables" as I call them because I've smoked with them on), the nicotine gum, Zyban, hypnosis (twice!), and Chantix. The gum was successful temporarily but at the first sign of stress, I smoke. And I hate myself for it. Throughout the years my doctors have strongly urged me to quit but other than writing a prescription which ultimately fails, they have given me no viable means for doing so. Besides being a cigarette addict, I am also majoring in Manic Depression (rapid cycler) with a minor in Panic Disorder. "Cold Turkey" is not a viable option for me. Do I lack willpower? Maybe so. Commitment? Possibly. Is it Fear? Oh yeah... I'd say it's mostly fear. After 36 years, smoking is part of my lifestyle. I am as afraid to quit as I am to continue. After all the failures, I didn't even try anymore.

Enter the E-cig.

I found out about e-cigs (I believe "PV's" are the PC term for them now, but I still know them as e-cigs) about 18 months ago. I briefly saw the tail end of a TV news article about them. I think my eyes got as wide as silver dollars when I saw that. I didn't care nor do I even remember what the news said about them, I had to have one. ANYTHING had to be better than smoking. In the previous year, I had lost both my parents to cancer. I felt doomed. My last and best chance at life was right there on the last 20 seconds of a news show.

In my mad frenzy to buy an e-cig I bought the first one I found - an njoy - and ordered it. I didn't know about juices or other models or anything about the Njoy but it didn't matter. My salvation was coming Priority Mail. The day I started using it, I went from 2-1/2 packs of cigarettes a day to 1/2 pack. It was amazing! I stayed at about 1/2 pack of analogs and vaping the rest for a couple months. Then I found the ECF. I read about juices and other 'kits' and all the success stories! But I wondered how it was that most of these people completely quit smoking their first day with the e-cig and, 2 months in, I still couldn't. Maybe I needed a different kit? Or to adjust my nic level? So I bought a 901... and then an 801... and stocked up on juices of various flavors/nic strength and kept trying. But I was still smoking just as many analogs as those first couple of months... and slowly, as my frustration increased, so did my analogs. Why wasn't I a success story, too? What was I doing wrong? I'd spent so much money, had different kits, an impressive variety of nicquids, read everything on the forums that I thought might help (actually, I read up on just about everything and became a "Forum Junkie") but I still couldn't give up the analogs. Finally, I just gave up. On e-cigs.

While I was (and of course still am) an avid supporter of e-cigs and highly recommend them to any smoker who will listen, I still had to admit to myself and others that I just couldn't completely quit smoking with them. I never blamed anything but myself for that. The e-cig wasn't a failure... I was. In my opinion, they are far and away the best and safest way to quit smoking with the least amount of stress, the most satisfaction and the highest success rate of all other options currently available.

And with that in mind, almost a year later, I am trying again. Hey, not everyone can be a success story their first time out, right? I recently purchased a JoyeStick, an eGo and a 905. I have switched to VG juices (slight sensitivity to PG) and restocked with different flavors along with the ones I already knew I liked. I have them ranging from 12mg to 30mg. I give myself no excuse for failing again. I have every advantage. I am not exposed to smokers, I have decent kits and plenty of juices available to me. And I am back on the forums. I'm giving myself a fresh start.

I chose "Still Dueling Analogs" as my forum signature for a couple reasons. Most importantly to remind myself that it is an ongoing battle for me and one that I need to win in order to survive. But also, new members can see it along with my join date of April 2009. Maybe if they see that even some 'veterans' such as myself still smoke sometimes, they will not consider themselves failures if they aren't an instant success story and walk away from e-cigs like I did. That was a mistake. I'm hopeful others won't repeat it.


...and I will be part of the Success Club :toast:

Comments

It's a different game for everyone I assume. I came off of the analogs as soon as I had decent vaping equipment... coming up on 4 months now.

I think that people need to ween off the MOAI's in tobacco. I was able to go cold turkey because I was unemployed... and slept my way through it.

But it is true... less is more... less analogs... more life.

Huzzah!
 
Welcome back and wishing you success. I like your forum signature....some of us have to fight a little bit harder than others and i agree with the sentiment.
 
ckc;bt1700 said:
Welcome back and wishing you success. I like your forum signature....some of us have to fight a little bit harder than others and i agree with the sentiment.

Thank you :) I am hopeful! (as always lol)
 
I can really relate to your story. I started when before I was 12. I just turned 40; so, that means I have been smoking for over 70 percent of my life. I've been vaping for two months now and cut myself down to around 1/2 pack a day. I like to think that someday I will quit completely. But, for now, I am content having cut back as far as I have. I'm glad to hear that you came back and that you are trying again. I wish all of the success you deserve!
 
Good on you, Avid. Your signature has always jumped out at me because I know, 100%, how you feel. I've always felt like there were some people out there who are just smokers - real smokers - and that's just the way it is. I'm one of them. From my first cigarette 20-something years ago, I knew I'd never quit. It's part of the fabric of my life. It factors into everything I do, everywhere I go, everything. The ritual of smoking marked off every part of my day: first cigarette in the morning, how many I smoked on the way to work, my 10 am - 12 pm - 3 pm smoking workday, the last cigarette before bed, nestled in the covers, book in hand. I know I smoke like a fiend when I'm on the computer, playing video games, driving long distances, and feeling crappy. I FORCED myself to start smoking again when I got so sick that I couldn't even eat, because it was part of who I was and I didn't want to lose it. Still don't.

So I never committed to quitting. When people ask if I use a PV because I'm trying to quit, I say, "No, I use it because I'm addicted to nicotine." I just switched the delivery system. My husband wanted to know why I decided to start using them, and I got all frustrated and a little mad because I didn't want to make a committment. I didn't ever really decide to start using them, I just bought them and started using them. I don't know if I'm explaining myself correctly - but I think it's that lack of internal pressure that's made it easier to use the PV instead of smoking. I'm calculatedly casual about it.

I think you're doing great. Honestly, even using a PV instead of smoking for a few hours makes a difference - anything you can do to deny your body all those extra additive poisons in a cigarette. That's success. It still takes some pretty strong will for me to choose the PV over the cigarettes, every single day. Because I honestly don't care. I'd reconciled myself to the idea that I'd die from smoking, and I was ok with that (scary? A little.). But I'm trying to do it for my husband and my kids. I'm trying to do it to get my dad to switch over before too much longer. I'm realizing that it really isn't that different, it's just my own mind I have to change.

So keep battling, because you're not alone. You're winning already.
 

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