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On Choosing Joy

Published by bonniegirl in the blog bonniegirl's blog. Views: 143

Many may know,many not, but, I am the mother of a mentally ill, untreated addict. I am raising her son. He is a {newly} 6 year year old with empathy, kindness and more importantly, compassion. He has had a lot of rough times and has seen things that many adults would shudder at the mere thought of. I am blessed to have him in my life. On Christmas eve, after reading and old family tradition book called the littlest Angel, telling the story of the birth of the Christ child and then saying his prayers, he turned to me and said "Nana, you are my Christmas star,you lead me to Jesus." After I gathered myself, I said, "thank you my angel". He has cried many nights for his Momma and I do not know what to say except, "I understand, I am sad too", and we cry together. Of late,I have been teaching him what I have done ever since the"Big one."I had 3 heart attacks and then an open heart triple bypass. I also have rheumatoid and many other illnesses and diseases. Mainly, I feel like crap most of the time. Every morning, around 6 am, I awake with stiffness, pain and sometimes agonize in tears. BUT.........I do not crawl in a heap and cry or let the pain own me.(well,most days.....some days I give myself permission) I choose JOY. Joy is not given to you most of the time. Sure, you get joyful over a new mod or a good vape just when you needed it most or a compliment or your kids achieving something or someone giving you a gift but real true daily joyfulness is a gift you give yourself. I didn't learn this from a Guru or a shrink, it happened by happenstance. I needed to model for my angel Gabriel that even though times are sad and bad and lonely and hard, you can still be happy. I knew that children learn not from what you say but what you do and I had to do what I was asking of him. Oh, what a gift I have been given at the sub zero temperatured bus stop. My bones are aching from the cold, my hip howling from the walk, each step is an effort from the fatigue that is an ever present part of rheumatoid. I could envy the grandparents that pick their little ones up on a Saturday, take them to the toy store, let them eat candy and then buy them ice cream and then drop them off at their homes and wave bye.. THOSE kind of grandparents can LOL when their grandbabies get chocolate all over their clothes! I COULD be miserable and hurry the angel along instead of letting him chase the squirrel up the tree or stop to pick up the "Cutest tiny pinecone in the whole wide world." I COULD scold him for touching the worm that crawled out from the street sweepers disturbance of his warm earth. BUT, he is choosing his JOY. AND, I get to be the one to kiss his angel face 100 times a day and get my JOY. I am glad I choose joy. You should try it.
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