Abuse Vs. Love

[Plumes.91]

I just need a place to talk to someone. I need someone. I'll finish what I started this for when I wake up. In the mean time, anyone else need to vent about anything? Love? Anything?

 

[Mac]

The crappy times are here to help us appreciate the good times. It will get better. And when it does you will appreciate it more.

 

[Iffy]

They said to smile, things could be worse. I smiled... sure 'nuff, things got worse!

 

[Plumes.91]

I've been hurting for 2 years from this girl and I find it extremely hard to let her go.

 

[starrynight]

I've been hurting for 2 years from this girl and I find it extremely hard to let her go.

Awww, well you don't want to still be hurting like this in another two years, let her go....

 

[Plumes.91]

I know that your right, but I can't seem to let her go. I'm either trying to get her back, jealous of the guy shes with at the moment, or I'm feeling sorry for her, wishing I could help to open her eyes. In the meanwhile, shes not helping to open mine. I'm sick and tired of being in my own skin sometimes. And I can't tell my new psychologist that I've thought about suicide, god forbid, I'll be thrown into a terrible category and the next thing I know, I'll be in a padded room or worse, legally obligated to continue seeing a therapist, even if I want to stop. I've been there in the past. I don't know what to do anymore. I love her so much and I guess, she doesn't think we should be together... Mainly because shes hurt me and betrayed me so much already. I want to be near her, I want to, but I know I probably shouldn't.

 

[sgenn99]

Whatever doesn't kill you...learn from it.

 

[Mac]

It sounds like you are self aware enough to know what the answer is, but your emotions are getting in the way of accepting it. There really is no answer to that. It starts with acceptance. Until you accept the conclusion you have already reached as the only logical choice you won't progress. None of that stops it from hurting. Only time can and there are no guarantees that it will.

 

[Iffy]

Plumes,

I know I made light in my first post. But, seriously, how old are ya? Why do I ask? 'Cause I'm 65 yy (years young) with 20 years in da military and now married to my bride for over 43 years.

Ya wouldn't believe da 'luv' (aka lust) stories I could tell ya. Regardless, LMK. Ya need a different perspective, ASAP!

 

[Off Topic]

Dude, there are 7 billion people on this planet. Half of them are female. Get out. Meet new people. You never know. Two years is too long to hang on to someone who has obviously moved on.

 

[AJMoore]

As a female reading this, you scare me and I suspect you scare her too.

From my experience I will say you don't have a chance, none. You've at best become her backup position. Now close that chapter and get moving. You did a great job dentifying the problem and even some self diagnosis, read your own words and move on.

I feel for you, I do, but I don't believe other people's sympathy will help you, it just prolongs the hurt and angst.

 

[Plumes.91]

its more complicated than I let off. shes an addict. i've always helped her to keep a strait head on her shoulders even when she was using heavily, I tried to make sure she was progressing in life. we've been through so much. when we met, we were both some of the biggest party animals in town. we were famous in our age groups for being the ones that were always doing wrong and going down the wrong paths. after we started dating we were always there for each other through everything. there were times when she'd say she could never be happier. but she was younger, 3 years younger, and she always tested me. she never truly cheated on me but she'd hang out with other guys, go to parties without me knowing, flirt. toward the end she started breaking up with me to date other guys. that was fine. it hurt a lot, but in my mind, it was normal. i wanted her to see other people. I couldn't stop a young girl from experiencing life. meanwhile i'd be hurt that she didn't want to be with me. But, she'd always end up missing me and feeling bad about not being with me. she always came back after a very short time. this happened a couple times. 2, maybe 3. the last two times it was for the same guy. she developed real feelings for him, fell in love. so there i was stuck. still completely in love with her, but she had found another guy and fell in love with him. while she says shes still in love with me, she clearly wants to be with him. however, she cheats on him with me all of the time and she always says that she cares about me and our relationship more. she says we are closer, i'm better for her, i have her best interests in mind, and she doesn't want to lose any of that.... i feel (a little) wrong about seeing her behind his back, but I can't help it. I have such a strong feeling of need to be with this girl. i love her with so much of my heart... so, i've allowed it to go on. all she does is use drugs with this other guy and i sort of wish she'd just get him out of her life so she can get past the drugs.

do i want her back? not necessarily. I don't, i guess. I feel like i couldn't possibly take her back and officially date her. it'd hurt my reputation in town and embarrass me. people would talk and say I was "soft" and immature and plain stupid for taking her back after all shes done to me. a lot of her promiscuity throughout our relationship became publicized one way or another, so yeah, it'd be embarrassing to take her back.. But deep down? I guess I do want her back, sort of. Even deeper down? I'm mad at her. I hate her for so much... But I also have a strong want to be with her and care about her and for her.

This isn't about wanting her back. This is about what I'm feeling and what to do with what i'm feeling. should I get over her and figure out how or when to push her out of my life completely? I feel as though I CANT remain friends with her. Whenever we're together I'm way too turned on, I'm way too driven to kiss her, hug her, hold her.. Theres love and then theres lust. I've got both for this girl. I've never met a girl that would cater to all of my fantasies and fetishes like this girl does. she teases me with them like i'm a dog and I ....ing love it. I'm getting into the TMI area so I'll quit while I'm ahead.

Idk what to do at this point though. I don't. Shes gone, for now. Shes in a 4-6 month rehab. It'll be a week before I hear from her. she'll be calling me as soon as they give her her phone back in 7 days from her admittance. then the rehabilitation starts. I'm worried. This is the 1st time we're truly going to be separated and unable to see each other for a long time. we went 2 months without talking after she dumped me the last time, but i thought of her several times a day and we both broke at the same time and began seeing each other immediately. idk guys...

 

[Plumes.91]

Please read the above post 1st and reply to it 1st before reading this one. This one doesn't contain anything that I'm particularly interested in anyone commenting on. At least not as much as I'm interested in what you think of the previous post. So, please read that one first. .... this 1. AJ Moore, I'm particularly interested in what you have to say now, because you've dealt a blow to me by saying I scare you, so I'd like to see if you still feel that way. I'm not a particularly scary guy. lol.
& to answer your question, I'm 21 years young. (I use that expression "years young" instead of years old, too, haha) 21 years young and probably a lot more mentally mature than most of my peers. I'm not incapable of working through this on my own, but I'm reaching out for empathy purposes, suggestion, and experience. I just want to hear from you all, bond, enjoy your opinions.

I'm not mentally ill. and saying that I scare you seems like a bit of an insult but I understand. I know I had mentioned suicide. well, i'd never truly kill myself but the notion arises when I truly feel deep down in the dumps. she thinks about it as well so i'm not alone in it. the addict's mind tends to push toward suicide. drugs/alcohol, whether its blatantly apparent or not, is an escape from emotional thought and suicidal thoughts seem to be a reoccurring pattern in most addict's minds when it comes to archaic and underdeveloped thought on escaping the perils and hardships of addiction itself. But any sane and mentally secure man can surely think about suicide and know that he/she will never go through with suicide... Because death is the big unknown and an end of conscious thought, an end of ego... (and I'm talking about the psychological sense of the term ego, not the laymen's definition of an exaggerated sense of self importance or conceitedness) 99% of the human race has an ego so strong that it would never allow its ID to end the ego. It has too tight of a grip on your thoughts. My thoughts. I am big into psychology.

Sorry, i'm rambling. lol.

 

[AJMoore]

OK, here's an exercise. Repeat to us what your psychologist advises you. Lets see how sound their advice appears. Try to present as they do, without much interjection.

God I hate to say this, I do, but you're 21? I know it's almost impossible to stand back and look at the whole picture, your perspective isn't and can't be as broad, not your fault. This will most likly turn out to be a minuscule portion of your experiences, try to hold that thought.

I wasn't trying to be insulting, you came off as stalking with suicidal tendencies, to me it sounded as though you could hurt her in the process. Everything after the first line of my previous post still stands. I'll give you the benefit of the doubt but the "just walk away" is good advice that you've recieved from several here, IMO.

How can two people together have a healthy relationship when they aren't healthy individually?

 

[MrKV]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xY-hkcm9g7s


Let her gooo, Let her go let her go, let her goooooo


Plenty of other fine women out there, you'll run into one eventually that makes you feel the same way and you'll start feeling better. Trust

Keep your head up

 

[harleydiva]

I feel your pain.....but you need professional help, not advice from a public forum. Please talk to your psychologist.

 

[Mac]

Scratch that... I can't give you advice about this in earnest because your situation is too complicated. I still think that deep down inside you already know the answer.

 

[Lisa66]

I've been hurting for 2 years from this girl and I find it extremely hard to let her go.

Hi, Plumes. The above comment alone speaks volumes.

You mentioned that she is an addict. It sort of sounds like you are an addict of another kind - an emotional one. I don't think this is uncommon. Often emotionally (and otherwise) abused people keep coming back for more because they don't know any different. In fact, sometimes they thrive on the drama and tension, in a strange way........

I'm wondering what you would do if that were removed. I think it's worth finding out.

 

[Plumes.91]

I agree with that Lisa, I think the pain and the extreme ups and the intense downs keep me addicted to her. I naturally don't want to be left crying on my bed for a day or two every time this girl stomps on my heart, but the ups are so savory, and the downs are romantic and appealing in their own sick and twisted way... We've actually spoken to each other about this specifically. Emotional addiction.. While it sounds like we only knock each other down, we also carry each other and keep each other happy and stable as well... Of course, I know that its not or may not be healthy to continue seeing her because of the extreme downs... The extreme ups are extremely enticing, naturally... And sure, we probably have in common the very "defects" (and I use that figuratively and lightly) that attract us subconsciously like magnets maybe meant to repel. Poetic! lol.

No I'm not ridiculously sick in the head and no I'm not suicidal. Someone asked me to give a brief description on what my therapist says about the situation? My therapist basically has no opinion. Hes personally seen in person the love in my eyes and the slight quiver in my voice when I speak about this girl and he can neither advise for or against our relationship. He just wants whats best for me and of course if she is going to continue hurting me he'd want me to let go of her... But that is a thin line. 1st of all, we aren't together. We aren't together right now and we won't be together again, at least not for a very long time. For now, we are friends, and we share benefits. (well, at least, ...thats how we left our relationship, before she left state)

We give each other advice and we cheer each other on, and that part of our relationship and current friendship is healthy. But I can't help but think that I'm sitting there giving her that advice because my ultimate goal is to be there when she "realizes on her own" that I'm actually the best bet, the right choice for her? The better man? The more stable road? A chance to throw out the addictions and start new? I mean, this is rational and irrational thought all in one and the paradoxes mildly confuse me on an erratic and busy afternoon... I dont .....ing KNOW! its hard to let go of the girl you love, the 1 person you care about more than any other person in your world, and your best friend, ALL at once.

AJMoore I try to stay humble and I try to keep myself engulfed in empathy... But when you say "gosh your 21 your perspective is confined as compared to an adult" I can't help but think that your right in some ways and wrong in others. I already know that this will probably turn out to be a miniscule portion of my life. I have ALWAYS had a cosmic sense of things. I have always felt 1 step ahead of my peers in that respect... And this could be mistaken for foolishly cockiness concerning my maturity so I'll agree to humble myself and I'll agree partially with your statements... Because who knows? Theres always room for a major revelation later in life, and so you could be right, I may be inside of a figurative and philosophical invisible box that I'll break out of down the road, but I'd like to go from my experience and say that at the very least I've got an eye hole bored out of the box. I can see around. From past experiences I have been more mature than my peers when it comes to realizing the size of things, the probability of things relative to seasoned and experienced rationale and I point to my extensive online research on subjects ranging from psychology to the great philosophies to, of course, sociology. But big words aren't going to prove anything so idk what I'm doing right now other than feeding my pet eGo. (my master, actually.. gee I hope he left out my food bowl tonight..)


Anyway, I don't particularly want to ask for help in figuring out what to do at this point I think I've gotten enough answers from different perspectives to lay awake in bed thinking about as it is. lol. I'd rather just get opinions here now. For now.... I can't help but miss her on nights like tonight though... Lonely in my room having spent every waking moment from this morning till this moment, online, researching e-cig mods, writing on the e-cig forums.. researching art and painting techniques, and finishing an old painting I had started last week... I can't help but want to reach out to her. I'm so freakin' lonely tonight.

Is she really that unhealthy for me? Does she need me? Would she throw me away if she needed to for some new guy? Questions floating through my head that I probably already know the answers to but want to deny.

 

[Plumes.91]

.......N this melonbacko from BWB is vapealicious. New all day I think. Found it. Sweet. I needed this. I was sick of saying "idk this RY4 is good for the 1st 2 pulls, too sweet for the next 2, and bitter on the rest" lol.

Idk I'm sorry if I'm acting like a cornered animal guys, I do appreciate your help and I did reach out for it. But I guess I'm more-so looking to vent here. Maybe I am looking to share my story with you all.. Maybe I'm reaching out for companionship. Maybe thats why the attacks on my psyche stability seemed like such a blow to my self esteem. idk. I'd like opinions... I'd like opinions that will help.. But anything concrete is trending to feel a bit out of the ballpark at the moment... I'm just grooving with it for now.

Honestly only time can tell what will happen and whats in my future, whats in her future... When the brick wall hits me in the face, I realize that we... we aren't meant for each other. We're on different levels from each other in many ways including maturity wise, emotional plane wise... She is more impulsive, less realistic, all around less mature and experienced... But I can also flip that in my head and say that she needs someone like me to grab her hand and help her through life... I mean, at least as a friend, she deserves it.

I failed to mention that shes bipolar and she has a hard time dealing with her anger and impulsiveness from what I've experienced. UGH. Tack another reason for leaving her onto the cork-board right? -___- Life sucks sometimes and its impossible to know when to change your path or stay on it.