Anybody want to be a sounding board?

[ScottinSoCal]

I've had something come up in my life within the last couple of days. I can't talk about it to my family, friends, coworkers, and it's eating me alive. If anyone would be willing to exchange a few PMs with me, I would appreciate it.

It would probably contain vulgarity, because I'm very angry. And it probably wouldn't be terribly coherent, or consistent, because I'm not either of those things right now.

 

[tybin]

hey you. i don't see any follow posts on this. Did you find someone to talk to? are you ok? you can pm me if you need.

I've had something come up in my life within the last couple of days. I can't talk about it to my family, friends, coworkers, and it's eating me alive. If anyone would be willing to exchange a few PMs with me, I would appreciate it.

It would probably contain vulgarity, because I'm very angry. And it probably wouldn't be terribly coherent, or consistent, because I'm not either of those things right now.

 

[maureengill]

Feel free to shoot me a pm...

I've had something come up in my life within the last couple of days. I can't talk about it to my family, friends, coworkers, and it's eating me alive. If anyone would be willing to exchange a few PMs with me, I would appreciate it.

It would probably contain vulgarity, because I'm very angry. And it probably wouldn't be terribly coherent, or consistent, because I'm not either of those things right now.

 

[ScottinSoCal]

I appreciate it. I've got a therapist to talk to. We're dealing with issues of infidelity and a new health issue. And yeah, that means what you think it does. Not me, I've been tested, but my husband. I don't know where we're going from here.

But I'm not smoking, no matter how much I want to.

 

[Nighteyes]

Scott, I am sorry to hear you are going through this, I can only imagine the pain you feel and the anger...but ya, you have an open ear over here as well. *hugs*

 

[ScottinSoCal]

The anger is going, but the pain and betrayal is still here. Turns out he's an addict - I didn't even know there was such a thing. I'm trying to get things into some kind of perspective, in between frequent trips to the pity party I'm throwing in my head.

I had a lot more written in here, but deleted it. TMI, and no one's problem but mine.

 

[toto1013]

Sometimes writing it down helps one, even if no one sees it. Good for you on the not smoking, and getting a therapist that can help you sort things out. Is ok to go to those pity parties, just don't stay to long!

PM me anytime Scott.
Hugs and prayers!

 

[tybin]

Man that is tough Scott. I'll keep you in my thoughts. wishing you some peace..

 

[DesiG]

The anger is going, but the pain and betrayal is still here. Turns out he's an addict - I didn't even know there was such a thing. I'm trying to get things into some kind of perspective, in between frequent trips to the pity party I'm throwing in my head.

I had a lot more written in here, but deleted it. TMI, and no one's problem but mine.

Ugh, this is tough. I am keeping you in my thoughts, and if you need help,an ear or a shoulder... go right ahead and send out a shout. we are here for you if you need us
Peace
P.S. maybe you should up your nic level in your juice for a while. sometimes it helps!

 

[marclap]

I appreciate it. I've got a therapist to talk to. We're dealing with issues of infidelity and a new health issue. And yeah, that means what you think it does. Not me, I've been tested, but my husband. I don't know where we're going from here.

But I'm not smoking, no matter how much I want to.

I've been through this kind of thing (except health issue), I can feel your pain.
Like you said, the anger is going away but the pain is still there. I exactly know what you mean.

Stay strong. We're all with you.

 

[ScottinSoCal]

For those who may be wondering - we're talking. That's all we're doing at this point, but we are talking. And I'm also talking to a therapist, and so is he. And he's going to SAA meetings twice a week. We aren't talking to a couples therapist - he asked and I said no. I've got enough on my plate, and we can worry about that later, after some of this is resolved. But no major decisions have been made, we're just in a holding pattern, pending further developments.

 

[DesiG]

take things at your speed. At least you are talking, and you have a therapist. You always have us too. You are right that you have a lot on your plate, but keep plodding forward, it is the most difficult at first, but it will get better, no matter how things work out between you. This kind of thing is a terrible blow to how you feel, but keep in mind that you are valued by many, and have many good thoughts aimed in your direction!
Peace

 

[Peeps]

(((hugs))) I'm sorry Scott...I hope things work out the way YOU need them to.

 

[ScottinSoCal]

Latest update to this, in case anyone is wondering:

He's been through kind of a sea-change in the last week. He had been defensive, trying to justify what he did, and still keeping secrets. I didn't know what, I just knew they were there. He lied to me - a small, stupid lie, about nothing important. And because it was such a small, stupid thing that wasn't at all important, the fact that he chose to lie about it instead of telling the truth made it that much more heinous. I told him it was done, and I'd be contacting a lawyer. We really are married - got the license and everything - and we own real estate together, so this can't be done in a snit, it takes lawyers and court and divorce decrees. I guess that broke through. He called me in tears, and told me all the stuff he's been keeping a secret. He's stopped trying to justify what he's done and just admitted it was wrong and a complete betrayal. He's been fully open and honest with me. He invited me to install monitoring software on his phone, so I know where he's at, where he's been, who he's called and called him, what e-mails he's sent and received, and what text messages he's sent and received. He's opened up in his SAA meetings and started sharing. He invited me into one of his therapist appointments, and he wants to do full disclosure - tell me everything that's happened and how long it's been going on. I guess that's an important step for him, to fully face what he's done, and it'll help keep my imagination from kicking into overdrive every time he doesn't answer his phone.

If he can keep this up, I can see a time when we're a couple again. We're still sleeping in separate rooms and I don't know when that will change, assuming we keep working on this together. We went upstairs on Saturday to watch something that had been Tivo'd on the bedroom television and I couldn't even sit on the bed. I tried and couldn't.

Sometimes this seems like a mountain that's just too high to climb, but then I look at him and see the same man who I have loved and who has loved me and supported me and believed in me for the last 20 years, and I don't want to find out what my life would be like without him. I will, if he doesn't resolve this and give me assurance it's over and done with, but I don't want to. I'd be just fine without him, but I'm great with him. I've kind of gotten used to being great.

 

[tybin]

well, sounds like it's gonna be quite a ride! hope things work out the way they need to

 

[Daniel O'Brien]

If you need anything let me know. Me and my bf have been together for almost 12 years and we are both former addicts and have been through some ..... So any advice I can give I would be happy to do so.

 

[ScottinSoCal]

Thanks, but I think it's pretty clear what's going to happen. He's still in school, will be for another couple of years, and I committed to getting him through school. I'll do it. But we're legally separated and as soon as he's finished with school and can get a job, we're getting divorced. We would be already, but he has to have insurance.

It's been over a year since all the .... hit the fan, and I can't forgive him or trust him. I'd rather be alone than be in a bad relationship, and that's pretty much the only kind we could have without forgiveness or trust. I can't say I've moved on, but I've at least closed the door to anything between me and him. When he's employed and we can go our separate ways I'll have the space and time to handle all the emotional crap I've got bubbling. Till then I'm polite to him and we muddle through. With any luck at all, the housing market will recover in the next couple of years and we can sell this place and both have a little something to move on with.