Contest: 30mL Bottle Cappuccino 24mg

[sandyk]

A man is in the hospital having a Colonoscopy. He tells the doctor afterward, "Please tell me wife I don't have my head up my as*"

 

[dukeofdata]

Does anyone else have trouble understanding "Technical People" ???

YouTube - Turbo Encabulator

Easy for you to say ...

YouTube - Clapper Caper

Let's party !!!

YouTube - Party In Stomach

 

[Eibhilin]

Taking any opportunity to spread Tim Minchin. *hides* Err per forum rules I shouldn't link Confessions... though I reaaaally want to. T_T

 

[ISBN]

Monty Python & The Holy Grail

The Dead Collector: Bring out yer dead.
[a man puts a body on the cart]
Large Man with Dead Body: Here's one.
The Dead Collector: That'll be ninepence.
The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't: I'm not dead.
The Dead Collector: What?
Large Man with Dead Body: Nothing. There's your ninepence.
The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't: I'm not dead.
The Dead Collector: 'Ere, he says he's not dead.
Large Man with Dead Body: Yes he is.
The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't: I'm not.
The Dead Collector: He isn't.
Large Man with Dead Body: Well, he will be soon, he's very ill.
The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't: I'm getting better.
Large Man with Dead Body: No you're not, you'll be stone dead in a moment.
The Dead Collector: Well, I can't take him like that. It's against regulations.
The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't: I don't want to go on the cart.
Large Man with Dead Body: Oh, don't be such a baby.
The Dead Collector: I can't take him.
The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't: I feel fine.
Large Man with Dead Body: Oh, do me a favor.
The Dead Collector: I can't.
Large Man with Dead Body: Well, can you hang around for a couple of minutes? He won't be long.
The Dead Collector: I promised I'd be at the Robinsons'. They've lost nine today.
Large Man with Dead Body: Well, when's your next round?
The Dead Collector: Thursday.
The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't: I think I'll go for a walk.
Large Man with Dead Body: You're not fooling anyone, you know. Isn't there anything you could do?
The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't: I feel happy. I feel happy.
[the Dead Collector glances up and down the street furtively, then silences the Body with his a whack of his club]
Large Man with Dead Body: Ah, thank you very much.
The Dead Collector: Not at all. See you on Thursday.
Large Man with Dead Body: Right.


1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: Who goes there?
King Arthur: It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle of Camelot. King of the Britons, defeater of the Saxons, Sovereign of all England!
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: Pull the other one!
King Arthur: I am, and this is my trusty servant Patsy. We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of knights who will join me in my court at Camelot. I must speak with your lord and master.
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: What? Ridden on a horse?
King Arthur: Yes!
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: You're using coconuts!
King Arthur: What?
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: You've got two empty halves of coconut and you're bangin' 'em together.
King Arthur: So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land, through the kingdom of Mercia, through...
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: Where'd you get the coconuts?
King Arthur: We found them.
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: Found them? In Mercia? The coconut's tropical!
King Arthur: What do you mean?
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: Well, this is a temperate zone
King Arthur: The swallow may fly south with the sun or the house martin or the plover may seek warmer climes in winter, yet these are not strangers to our land?
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?
King Arthur: Not at all. They could be carried.
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: What? A swallow carrying a coconut?
King Arthur: It could grip it by the husk!
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: It's not a question of where he grips it! It's a simple question of weight ratios! A five ounce bird could not carry a one pound coconut.
King Arthur: Well, it doesn't matter. Will you go and tell your master that Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here?
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: Listen. In order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings forty-three times every second, right?
King Arthur: Please!
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: Am I right?



This is my favorite movie of all time!!!

 

[dmdonald2]

This is one of my all time favorite videos!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pG9HNWBU9ms

 

[Gummy Bear]

If you don't already know, watch this and you'll find out how I got my screen name.
YouTube - Vaughn Eaglebear of Pow-wow Comedy Jam

 

[Gizmo362]

This is my favorite.
It is kind of a long one but worth the read.

Frank:
"Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for
directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was
assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili
wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free
beer during the tasting, so I accepted".
Here are the scorecards from the advent: (Frank is Judge #3)

Chili # 1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy crap, what the he!! is this stuff? You
could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put
the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These
Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2 Austin's Afterburner Chili...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to
give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer
when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.
Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now
my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting crap- faced
from all of the beer...

Chili # 4 Dave's Black Magic...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili..
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was
standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb woman is starting
to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an
aphrodisiac?


Chili # 5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead
and I can no longer focus my eyes. I think I broke wind-four people
behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her
that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from
bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if
I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges
asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

Chili # 6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety...
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and
peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous
sulphuric flames. I greased my shorts when I farted and I'm worried it will eat
through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally and
that
damn golden retriever. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ....
with a snow cone. Oh no, the damn dog ate some of that stuff.

Chili # 7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am
worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as
he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid
unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of a smoldering substance
that matches the color of my shirt and my belly button is sticking out
so far it looks like it's trying to escape. At least during the autopsy,
they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing-it's too
painful.
Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck
it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach. Oh great!! Now the dog is
doing ....-scoots across the grass he's in so much pain.

Chili # 8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,
passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down
on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella,
wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Would someone use the fire extinguisher on the dog?

 

[grantemsley]

 

[Gracy_hm]

Enter me up. Watch this it really is a joke

 

[McCordRM]

 

[warlike36]

30 Ways To Have Fun In The Hospital



1. Hijack wheelchairs and speed around the hallways.

2. Get a running start, then tackle people.

3. Wax the floors really well in a wing where there are many old people, and sit yourself down and watch the walkers fly!

4. Get the rolling beds and race them, while the patients are in them.

5. Go to the labor and delivery department, and into a room with a patient, and say "Breathe, breathe, breathe, DON'T BREATHE!"

6. Feed the diabetics lots and lots of sugar.

7. Go to ICU and go up to one of the patients and have a conversation along these lines:
"Does this hurt?"
"How about now?"
"What if I did this?"
"What if I hit you with this?"
"Would it be bad if I pressed this button?"

8. Go into an operating room and say, "I can take it from here...." (30 seconds later), scream, "EVERYONE DOWN! HE'S GONNA BLOW!"

9. Start a food fight in the cafeteria.

10. Run around yelling, "YOU'RE ALL GONNA DIE! YOU'RE ALL GONNA DIE!"

11. Go "Christmas caroling," only with Adam Sandler songs, or other very disturbing, violent songs.

12. Stand in a doorway with an IV filled with water and spray passing people.

13. Go to the Psychiatric Unit and find something really annoying, (like a buzzer) and buzz it over and over and over again.

14. Turn off the main power switch.

15. Announce over the loudspeakers: "Everyone down! It's an air raid!"

16. That works for bomb scares, too.

17. Start a war between all the patients and the nurses, and chase the nurses with syringes.

18. Play football with the babies.

19. Flick the lights on and off in sleeping patients' rooms.

20. Go into another patient's room and page the nurse. Run away. Do it again, and again, and again.

21. Tell people there's a recreation center on the roof. When they get up there, look around and say, "Oh, it must be in the basement. Sorry."

22. Put a stink bomb in someone's artificial lung.

23. Jump on the beds while people are in them.

24. Find a patient with a remote control bed, steal the remote and wonder aloud, "What would happen if I pressed this button?"

25. Why not try all of the buttons?

26. Stand outside the door of the hospital and tell people it's closed but that it will open tomorrow at 8 am.

27. Steal old peoples' walkers.

28. This also works for anyone on crutches.

29. Take three pigs, and label them 1, 2, and 4. Then let them loose around the hospital. When they find these pigs they will wonder where #3 is, and will continue looking.

30. Hijack an ambulance!!

 

[pm2006]

.... Cheek Explosion
I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared, and consumed a massive quantity of my patiented " you're definetly going to .... yourself " chili. Tasty stuff, allbeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written quarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your .... cheeks Will fall off.

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee(and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite habanera peppers swimming thier way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbor as 'thunder and lightning'.

Knowing that a time of reckoning Had to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for the market, a local Wal-Mart grocery store that I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits.

Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about and dropping items in for purchase, it wasn't until I was at the opposite side of the store from the restroom that the pain hit me.Oh don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm reffering to that ' Uh, Oh,gotta go' pain that that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different.

The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restroom which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning Shot.

There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the like of which has never before been recorded. I was affraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly oh soslowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an ederly woman turned into it.

I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate...

I could have warned the poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as she walked into the invisible, and apparently indestructable, wall of odor so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course made me fell terrible, but then made me laugh..........Big Mistake........

Okay, when you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw and explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.

Suddenly things were no longer funny...."It" was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way,praying that I'd make it before the grand mal asspolsion took place. Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable "Oh My God', floating above the toilet seat because my ... is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe. He made a gagging sound, and disqustedly said, 'Sonofa.....!', then quickly left. Once finished I left the restroom, reacquiring my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, " Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.

This of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me... The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, " IT'S You!", then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none to kindly not to return.

Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Reebles's. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. .......s claim they're going to have to repaint the store..............

OMG. It took me 5 minutes to read this to my husband. My eyes are still burning from laughing so hard. At least I think it is from laughing.

 

[pm2006]

This is my favorite.
It is kind of a long one but worth the read.

Frank:
"Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for
directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was
assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili
wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free
beer during the tasting, so I accepted".
Here are the scorecards from the advent: (Frank is Judge #3)

Chili # 1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy crap, what the he!! is this stuff? You
could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put
the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These
Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2 Austin's Afterburner Chili...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to
give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer
when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.
Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now
my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting crap- faced
from all of the beer...

Chili # 4 Dave's Black Magic...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili..
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was
standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb woman is starting
to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an
aphrodisiac?


Chili # 5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead
and I can no longer focus my eyes. I think I broke wind-four people
behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her
that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from
bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if
I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges
asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

Chili # 6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety...
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and
peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous
sulphuric flames. I greased my shorts when I farted and I'm worried it will eat
through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally and
that
damn golden retriever. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ....
with a snow cone. Oh no, the damn dog ate some of that stuff.

Chili # 7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am
worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as
he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid
unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of a smoldering substance
that matches the color of my shirt and my belly button is sticking out
so far it looks like it's trying to escape. At least during the autopsy,
they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing-it's too
painful.
Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck
it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach. Oh great!! Now the dog is
doing ....-scoots across the grass he's in so much pain.

Chili # 8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,
passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down
on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella,
wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Would someone use the fire extinguisher on the dog?

This isn't even fair! I really don't get into 'fart' jokes but I had to read these to my husband. Now my stomach hurts!!! brb . . . . .

 

[FreakyStylie]

If you ever feel like your job sucks, or are just having a bad day at work, do the following:

When you get off work, go to the nearest pharmacy. Purchase a Johnson and Johnson rectal thermometer. When you get home, turn off the ringer on your phones and get into some comfortable clothes. Go into the bathroom and draw yourself a nice hot bath. While you are waiting for the tub to fill, lie down on your bed and open the package for the thermometer. Set the thermometer next to you and open the instruction sheet. Pay special attention to the following statement on the instructions:

"Every rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson is personally tested"

Now go enjoy your nice hot bath, close your eyes, and repeat quietly in your head: "I am so glad I do not work for quality control at the Johnson and Johnson Company".

 

[pm2006]

Deleted post - My bad.

 

[halfevildruid]

only 5 hours left... anyone else?????

 

[Steve414]

YouTube - Die Antwoord - Zef Side.

 

[SharonW]

only 5 hours left... anyone else?????

Read me now, und get me later. Well some folks either get it right off the bat while others have the delayed giggle reaction. It's one of my favs.

A chicken and egg are sitting in bed. The chicken lights up a cigarette while the irritated egg mumbles to herself "Well, that answers that question."

 

[Steve414]

win win win

 

[spacekitty]

I'm waiting... View attachment 23753