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Florida Jokes!

Discussion in 'Florida Vapors Club' started by Mary Kay, Jul 25, 2009.

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  1. Mary Kay

    Mary Kay ECF Guru ECF Veteran

    Apr 3, 2009
    West Tampa Fl.
    Dumb Florida Laws

    Women may be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer, as can the salon owner.
    A special law prohibits unmarried women from parachuting on Sunday or she shall risk arrest, fine, and/or jailing.
    If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle.
    It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit.
    Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown.
    Having sexual relations with a porcupine is illegal.
    It is illegal to skateboard without a license.
    You may not fart in a public place after 6 P.M. on Thursdays.
    It is considered an offense to shower naked.
    You are not allowed to break more than three dishes per day, or chip the edges of more than four cups and/or saucers.
    You may not kiss your wife's breasts.
    Penalty for horse theft is death by hanging.
    It is illegal to block any traveled wagon road.

    Big Pine Key

    It is illegal to molest a Key deer. If caught one will be fined or will have to go to jail.

    Cape Coral

    It is against the city ordinance to hang your clothes outside on a clothesline.
    It it illegal to park a pick-up truck in your driveway or in front of your house on the street. This law is limited to only those who do not own the house. (Repealed 2000)

    Daytona Beach

    The molestation of trash cans is banned.
    Sec. 10-56. While intoxicated, under influence of narcotics, prohibited. It shall be unlawful for any person to swim or bathe in that portion of the Atlantic Ocean within the corporate limits of the city when under the influence of intoxicating liquor or narcotic drugs to the extent that his or her normal faculties are impaired. (Code 1955, § 28-64)
    Sec. 22-44. Storage, depositing prohibited. It shall be unlawful for any person, either as owner, occupant, lessee, agent, tenant, or otherwise, to store or deposit, or cause or permit to be stored or deposited, any abandoned, junked or discarded motor vehicle or motor vehicles upon any public or private property within the city. (Code 1955, § 20-11)
    Sec. 18-2. Weeds, trash, etc., as a public nuisance; removal by property owner or by city at owner's expense; notice and hearing; lien for expenses. (a) The existence of weeds, trash, undergrowth, brush, filth, garbage or other refuse on any lot, tract or parcel of land within the city which has caused the property to become, or which may reasonably cause the property to become infested, or inhabited by rodents, vermin or wild animals, or may furnish a breeding place for mosquitoes or threatens the public health, safety or welfare, or may reasonably cause disease or adversely affects and impairs the economic welfare of the adjacent property, is declared to constitute a public nuisance and is hereby prohibited.

    Hialeah

    Ambling and strolling is a misdemeanor.

    Jupiter Inlet Colony Inlet
    Sec. 3-1. Bird sanctuary declared. (a) It is hereby declared that all territory embraced within the corporate limits of the municipality shall be a bird sanctuary. (b) It shall be unlawful for any person within the municipality to shoot, trap or in any manner kill, wound or maim any bird of any kind, or at any time to throw at any birds of any kind any missile with slingshots or any other weapon, or to disturb their eggs or their young or their nests. (Ord. No. 8-59, §§ 1, 2, 8-10-59)

    Key West

    Chickens are considered a 'protected species'.

    Miami

    It is illegal for men to be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown.
    Sec. 8-3. Bell or other warning device. No person shall operate a bicycle unless it is equipped with a bell or device capable of giving a signal audible for a distance of at least 100 feet, but no bicycle shall be equipped with, nor shall any person use upon a bicycle, any siren or whistle. (Code 1967, § 8-3; Code 1980, § 8-3)

    Pensacola

    Citizens may not be caught downtown without at least 10 dollars on their person.
    It is illegal to roll a barrel on any street, fines go up according to the contents of the barrel.
    A women can be fined (only after death), for being electrocuted in a bath-tub because of using self-beautification utensils.

    Pinecrest

    In order to operate a burglar alarm, a permit must be obtained. Sec. 12-23. Registration required; application; transferability; false statements. (a)All persons must complete and submit to the village an emergency contact registration form for their alarm if they operate or cause to be operated an alarm system in the village. A separate registration is required for each alarm system. Upon receipt of a completed registration form, the police department shall issue a numbered alarm sticker to the applicant to facilitate retrieval of registration information. (Ord. No. 97-17, § 1, 10-14-97)

    Sanford

    Stage nudity is banned, with the exception of "bona fide" theatrical performances. Violating this ordinance results in a $100 fine.

    Sarasota

    If you hit a pedestrian you are fined $78.00.
    You may not catch crabs.
    [
    B]Tampa [/B]

    It is illegal to eat cottage cheese on Sunday after 6:00 P.M.
     
  2. Mary Kay

    Mary Kay ECF Guru ECF Veteran

    Apr 3, 2009
    West Tampa Fl.
    Say It S-l-o-w-l-y

    A man and his wife were driving their RV across Florida and were nearing a town called Kissimmee. They noted the strange spelling and tried to figure how to pronounce it -- KISS-a-me; kis-A-me; kis-a-ME?

    They grew more perplexed as they drove into the town. Since they were hungry, they pulled into a restaurant to get something to eat. At the counter, the man said to the waitress; "My wife and I can't seem to be able to figure out how to pronounce this place. Will you tell me where we are and say it very slowly so that I can understand?"
    The woman looked at him and said; "Buuurrrgerrr Kiiiinnnng."

    A Place of Balance

    Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.

    He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"
    God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael, look what I've made."
    Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
    "It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it.
    I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
    "Balance?", inquired Michael, still confused.
    God explained, pointing to different parts of earth, "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people," God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
    The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a large land mass and said, "What's that one?"
    "Ah," said God. "That's Florida, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful lakes, rivers, streams and climate. The people from Florida are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they are going to be found traveling the world.
    They will be extremely sociable, hardworking and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."
    Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God?" You said there would be balance!"
    God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the idiots I'm sending them from the North every winter!

    Lawyer Gets Served

    A man walked into a Florida bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?"

    "Sure do," replied the bartender.
    "Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator."

    I Demand A Recount!

    Dear Florida Lotto,

    I know I chose the winning numbers for Wednesday's FL Lotto drawing. But upon further review, it appears the incorrect numbers appeared on my ticket. How could this happen? The root cause of this dilemma is the form I filled out to get my ticket. The form is very confusing. I thought I was choosing one set of numbers, (the winning numbers), when in reality I chose a completely different set of numbers. The numbers and boxes on the form are so close together, it's impossible to determine which box to fill in for which number.
    I checked with at least 3,000 other people, and they all had the exact same problem. I'm sure if you review the form I filled out, it will become very clear that I'm entitled to the money from Wednesday's drawing.
    Please reply with the date, time, and location, for me to collect the winnings due me.
    Sincerely,
    John Smith
    West Palm Springs, Florida

    Well, duh!

    The Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission is advising hikers, hunters, fishers, and golfers to take extra precautions and keep alert for alligators while in Osceola, Polk, Brevard and Orange Counties. They advise people to wear noise-producing devices; such as, little bells on their clothing, to alert, but not startle, the alligators unexpectedly.

    They also advise the carrying of pepper spray in case of an encounter with an alligator. It is also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of alligator activity.
    People should recognize the difference between small young alligator and large adult alligator droppings.
    Young alligator droppings are smaller and contain fish bones and possibly bird feathers. Adult alligators droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper spray.
     
  3. Mary Kay

    Mary Kay ECF Guru ECF Veteran

    Apr 3, 2009
    West Tampa Fl.
    Going to Orlando?

    There was a blonde who had been planning a trip to Orlando for almost a year. She had saved her money and was determined to take this trip. Nothing or no one was going to stand in her way of enjoying something that had taken her so long to plan.

    When she boarded the airplane, she settled herself into a first-class seat. It wasn't long until another passenger tapped her on the shoulder and told her she was in his seat.
    She adamantly replied, "I am blonde. I have saved for over a year for this trip to Orlando and I am traveling first-class. I will not move." The other passenger complained to the flight attendant. The flight attendant walked up to the blonde and politely asked her to please move to the coach seat that was assigned her.
    The blonde again said, "I am blonde. I have saved for over a year for this trip to Orlando and I am traveling first-class. I will not move." The flight attendant stalked up to the Captain and calmly told him what had happened. He said he would handle it.
    The Captain leaned over the blonde and whispered in her ear. She immediately gathered her things and hurriedly moved to the back of the airplane.
    Both the other passenger and the flight attendant looked at each other in disbelief, and the flight attendant asked the Captain exactly what was it he said that settled this disagreement so readily.
    He smiled and replied, "I simply told her the front of the plane was not going to Orlando."

    Warning. . . reading is hazardous to having fun!

    Our seven-year-old daughter was thrilled when we took her to Disney World for the first time and headed straight for Space Mountain. I worried that the roller coaster would be too scary for her, but she insisted. To her delight, we rode it twice.

    The next year we returned to the Magic Kingdom, and my daughter, now eight, again dragged me to Space Mountain. As we stood in line, though, I could see her soberly studying the signs that warn about the ride's speed. "Dad," she said, "I don't think I want to go." I asked her why she would be nervous when she had enjoyed herself last time. She replied, "This year, I can read."

    Travel Agent Stories

    • A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."
    • A student was heading home for the holidays. When she got to the airline counter, she presented her ticket to Florida. As she gave the agent her luggage, she made the remark, "I'd like you to send my beige suitcase to Hawaii, and my blue suitcase to London."
      The confused agent said, "I'm sorry, we can't do that."
      "Really??? I am so relieved to hear you say that because that's exactly what you did to my luggage last year!"

    Quotable Quotes

    • “Why does SeaWorld have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God... I could be eating a slow learner!” -Lynda Montgomery
     
  4. Wench

    Wench Ultra Member ECF Veteran

    Jun 16, 2009
    Pensacola, Fl.
    Dang.. guess next time I'm down there and broke, It gives me a excuse to bumm money from some one.... hahaha
     
  5. Burnie

    Burnie The Bug Man Verified Member ECF Veteran

    Jul 1, 2009
    Sunny Florida
    Now thats FUNNY :w00t:

    Burnie
     
  6. rocketvapor

    rocketvapor Super Member ECF Veteran

    Jul 19, 2009
    Rockledge, FL
    Well, so much for the bells on my toes!:rolleyes:
     
  7. FormulaW66

    FormulaW66 Full Member

    Apr 9, 2009
    Daytona Beach FL

    They can put me away for life on this one :evil:
     
  8. Mary Kay

    Mary Kay ECF Guru ECF Veteran

    Apr 3, 2009
    West Tampa Fl.
    Evacuation Routes

    If you live in a low lying area, you'll want to have an evacuation route planned out. Evacuation Routes are the parking lots created on the local roads designed by the city council to be used by most of the people in a community while they use the back roads to get out of the city to higher ground.

    How Do You Know If You're In a Low Lying Area?

    Look carefully at your postal address. If it's in the state of Florida, you are in a low lying area.

    Homeowner's Insurance

    Homeowner's insurance is often considered the most important preparedness item you can't afford. Not what you can't afford to live without, but what you can't afford, PERIOD. We do have a couple of tricks that will help you get good affordable homeowner's insurance.
    1.) Find a house that's built using the latest building techniques designed to help it withstand hurricanes.
    2.) Make sure it's located somewhere in West Virginia.
    Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or any area along the coast that could be hit by a hurricane, your chances of getting affordable insurance is almost nil. After all, insurance companies are in business to get you to give them money, not to give you money in case your house happens to be damaged. If you do find insurance, the annual cost is likely to be roughly equal to the construction costs for a new home.

    [​IMG]
    Shutters

    In case those pesky news reporters do say the hurricane is going to give your town a quick whirlwind visit, you'll want to be prepared to cover your windows with shutters. Shutters come in several flavor's.
    Home built:

    These are the 4 by 8 sheets of plywood nailed to the house that you'll see flying around during the storm. You can pick them up really cheaply off your lawn and garden if you're willing to wait until just after the storm passes.
    Sheet-Metal Shutters:

    These work well and make great sounds during the storm. It's especially fun to see people who've waited till the last minute to put these up because they get really wiggly.
    Comerica Shutters:

    If your house is paid for and you're willing to take out a second mortgage to buy them, these shutters can work quite well.

    The New "Hurricane Proof" Windows

    Along with also requiring a second mortgage, these new fangled windows are said to withstand hurricane force winds according to the salesman. Unfortunately, the salesman lives in West Virginia.
     
  9. rocketvapor

    rocketvapor Super Member ECF Veteran

    Jul 19, 2009
    Rockledge, FL
    OMG, that's so true !!!!!

    Love it !!

    :thumbs:
     
  10. Burnie

    Burnie The Bug Man Verified Member ECF Veteran

    Jul 1, 2009
    Sunny Florida
    :lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:
    It was just killing me reading this again. Just so funny, still hurting.
    :lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:

    Burnie
     
  11. strato

    strato Full Member

    Aug 25, 2009
    Florida Panhandle
    That is good. I went through two batteries reading it all. I loved the one about the Gators. Dont let it get out to the snowbirds though. LOL
     
  12. Mary Kay

    Mary Kay ECF Guru ECF Veteran

    Apr 3, 2009
    West Tampa Fl.
    Strato..get thee a passthru!:p
     
  13. Mary Kay

    Mary Kay ECF Guru ECF Veteran

    Apr 3, 2009
    West Tampa Fl.
    A blonde woman was driving through the Florida Everglades while on vacation.She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
    After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde declared, ‘Well then, maybe I’ll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of shoes for free!’
    The shopkeeper said with a sly smile, ‘Well little lady, why don’t you go on and give it a try?
    The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator.
    Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he spots the same woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.
    As he brings his car to a stop, he sees a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blonde takes aim, shoots the creature and hauls it up onto the slippery bank.
    Nearby were 7 more dead alligators, all lying belly up. The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement. The blonde struggles mightily and manages to flip the gator onto its back.
    Rolling her eyes heavenward, she screams in frustration,
    ‘SHOOT!……..
    THIS ONE’S BAREFOOT, TOO

    SENIOR DRIVING

    As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!"

    "Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

    You Know it's July in Florida When:


    - Hot water comes out of both taps.

    - You find out that a seatbelt buckle makes a pretty nice branding iron.

    - The trees are whistling for the dogs.

    - You find out that you can get sunburned through your car window.

    - The birds need to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.

    - You burn your hand opening the car door.

    - The temperature drops below 95 and you put on a sweater.

    - You can make instant sun tea.

    - Shade determines the best parking space, not distance.

    - Farmers feed their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard boiled eggs.

    - When you step outside at 7:30 a.m., you break into a sweat.

    - Potatoes cook underground. This is convenient because all you have to do is pull one out and add salt, pepper and butter.

    - You discover that asphalt has a liquid state.

    - You realize that it only takes two fingers to steer your car.
     
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