Parenting Advice

[Bobnoxious]

I've been a parent for a long time. But most of my experiences with a teenage girl were met with, 'you're not her father' type of responses, which made me shut up pretty quickly. You can't really help a troubled teen if one of the parents is an ally to her. So, I did what I could, and failed.

Fast forward. I am now a single parent, of my own two kids. My daughter is now 15. I've kept my 2 kids off the internet most of their lives. I know what's out there. Being a hard working single parent, shutting off the internet was easier than trying to monitor it.

But, as they grow older, they have figured out how to get onto YouTube via the PS3, and apparently via a Nintendo DS. And friends homes, and the library, etc. I've lost a bit of control there. I guess they earned that.

Recently, I got a Facebook friend request from my daughter. That was just weird. And then I got a request from my ex-wife's, ex-husband's wife. WTF is that about? If that woman burned up in a car crash, I would not hear about it for maybe a year. And if the phone call was interrupting a very boring game of Monopoly, I would have to ask the person to call back later. After all, someone landed on Baltic Avenue, and I need my $6.

I eventually accepted my daughter. I find out that this woman is her friend. Now, I know for a fact, this woman has destroyed children's lives. Her own son is in prison, as well as my ex-step daughter. (separate incidences) Were they connected? Sure. Obscurely. Was she at fault? Yes, bad parenting. Between her and the girl's dad.

I'm not even sure my daughter knows what happened with her step-sister. I really dont want to have that conversation, but I might have to. My thinking is that woman needs to come off the friends list. At the very least.

 

[Moonflame]

Do you have a way to monitor their communication without your daughter knowing? If you do then just monitoring it until you see a red flag might be better. I know that as a teenage girl my parent's forbidding something made it more attractive to me and I would sneak to get around their rules. For some reason forbidden fruit is sweeter, especially when you are that age and trying to assert your independence. I know I stuck with dating a guy I probably would have dumped much sooner because my parents were against the relationship, and the "us against the world" aspect added excitement to something that would have been as dull as dishwater without it. The guy had about as much personality as a turnip and was totally harmless, but he was 3 years older than me so my parents thought he was too old for me (I was 16 and he was 19). Right now your daughter probably thinks of her as another boring adult, but add in the thrill of being forbidden fruit and all of a sudden the woman is much more interesting. On the other hand, if you can't monitor your daughter's communication, you may need to put your foot down.

Good luck with whatever decision you make. My son is 18 and thinks he's an adult until he needs something. My daughter is 6 and still thinks we're wonderful most of the time. I'm not looking forward to teen girl angst.

 

[Sgood1971]

Facebook will make a LOT of suggestions for friends by looking at friends of your friends and suggesting them to you. A lot of people just click "Add as friend." because it seems to be important to have a high friend count. The two may not even know each other.

As far as internet access on PS3, etc. you can change dns settings in the ps3 and whatever else they have with internet access to the opendns servers. It's free AND if you sign up for an account, you can even specify what types of content to block.

 

[Sgood1971]

opendns.com is the website and a great way to block the kiddies from the bad stuff. I have four kids of my own. Daughters 18 & 15 Sons 16 & 12

 

[Janetda]

I think you have to realize that your daughter is only three years from being a legal adult. The best thing you can do for her is to teach her how to make decisions in her life. I feel that at 15, there are few things that you should really try to prevent her from doing and you certainly can't tell her who to hang out with. What you can do is to always tell her the truth about things and explain to her your thought process and how you make decisions.

That said, Facebook really is no big deal.

These are the years where kids can make mistakes and learn from them. Once they hit 18, if they make certain mistakes, you can't pick them up and help them out anymore. You have to give a teen enough rope to hang themselves sometimes. Other wise, they are going to hit 18 and go crazy and there is nothing you can do.

Janet
Two sons, 27 & 30. Both are great young men.

 

[Bobnoxious]

I think you have to realize that your daughter is only three years from being a legal adult. The best thing you can do for her is to teach her how to make decisions in her life. I feel that at 15, there are few things that you should really try to prevent her from doing and you certainly can't tell her who to hang out with. What you can do is to always tell her the truth about things and explain to her your thought process and how you make decisions.

That said, Facebook really is no big deal.

These are the years where kids can make mistakes and learn from them. Once they hit 18, if they make certain mistakes, you can't pick them up and help them out anymore. You have to give a teen enough rope to hang themselves sometimes. Other wise, they are going to hit 18 and go crazy and there is nothing you can do.

Janet
Two sons, 27 & 30. Both are great young men.

I have to agree. I started writing a better explanation of why this woman pisses me off so much, but Googlebot caused me to stop. Strange stuff shows up on Google searches.

I think if I just explain why I want my kids as far away from this woman as humanly possible, they will have to agree.

 

[Lightgeoduck]

In my opinion.. the internet is going to be discovered one way or another...and I think it is better to be discovered with guidance... and the only way to do that is by a loving parent... My 5yr old know how to use the internet.. we (my wife and I) limit it to child games and MR BEAN youtube videos .... we give her guidelines to follow.. like she can only click on the shortcut links we set up for her...

she is too young to learn everything,, but she definitely understands when we say there is BAD stuff a good girl shouldn't go to... she is at a trusting age so she listens...

We do have to pry her off so she doesn't go BEAN dead in the head

she also asks questions and we answer in a "Mother Goose level" way

In time we will give her more education as needed.

As for a teenager...she needs to understand the hazards of internet prowlers.. and the dangers of social networking... stuff sticks on the interwebs... some mistakes can't be taken back... you don't want her to learn it from friends (peer pressure, and misinformation)

You will be amazed at how receptive a kid can be when a trust and a level eye is offered.

 

[StormFinch]

IMHO I would start a conversation with your daughter and tell her that you know that she is a very intelligent young woman and you need to arm her with information about this woman to allow her to make the correct decisions. For the most part, the more you respect your teenager's emerging adulthood, speak with them as a peer, and arm them with the truth, the more likely they are to do the right thing.

I have never kept anything from my two boys, but have explained things on a level that they could understand at their particular ages. TV is not just an entertaining escape in our house but a teaching tool. They have watched Cops since they were old enough to understand the difference between real and make believe, and now sit and shake their heads at the stupidity of the drunks, drug addicts and criminal element. In fact, I can find a life lesson in practically every show out there. Our internet has never been fully restricted, and I trust them until they give me reason not to, which I followed up on regularly. Basically put, they're given freedom with boundaries. So far so good, they are 18 and 15, no drugs, no drinking, no acting out. The biggest problem I have is that my youngest thinks that most of his peer group act like fools. lol

 

[Stephra]

I'm not even sure my daughter knows what happened with her step-sister. I really dont want to have that conversation, but I might have to. My thinking is that woman needs to come off the friends list. At the very least.

Having that conversation might be the best thing you can do, and may even result in her removing the woman from her list voluntarily.

Your daughter was open enough to friend you on FB - many teens wouldn't for fear their parent would spy on them! That speaks volumes for how much your daughter trusts you.

Air your concerns. Tell her you care about her and wouldn't want to see her hurt or led astray by keeping less-than-quality company. Give her the option of keeping the friend on FB, but if you have an earnest chat, she'll probably be a little more vigilant in case something becomes a problem.

Open communication can do wonders!

 

[Bobnoxious]

All great advice. I should tell you that I've had 2 'practice' kids. My kids are well aware of the dangers of the internet, and prowlers, etc. I've drilled that into them for a long time now. But there became a time in our lives where I couldn't be there 100% of the time to monitor things like I should. They were much younger then. Now that they are older, and have become pretty responsible latch-key kids, I've loosened up the reigns a bit. The problem is not the internet and Facebook. Sure, I have a couple issues with some of her FB activities, but those are easily addressed.

The problem I have is the woman she chose to add as a friend. I can't blame my daughter for anything, she has no idea. But I have some dark, sinister, disturbing information about this woman and her adult son that should make any reasonable person stay far away.

So I guess I am stuck in a situation where I either simply demand she removes her from her FB friends without much of an explanation, or I sit them down and explain the very very ugly truth about her.

 

[Bobnoxious]

Alright. StormFinch and Stephra replied while I was writing that last post. I'm going to have this conversation with them both tonight. I'll try to choose my words carefully.

 

[jj2]

I think you have to realize that your daughter is only three years from being a legal adult. The best thing you can do for her is to teach her how to make decisions in her life. I feel that at 15, there are few things that you should really try to prevent her from doing and you certainly can't tell her who to hang out with. What you can do is to always tell her the truth about things and explain to her your thought process and how you make decisions.

That said, Facebook really is no big deal.

These are the years where kids can make mistakes and learn from them. Once they hit 18, if they make certain mistakes, you can't pick them up and help them out anymore. You have to give a teen enough rope to hang themselves sometimes. Other wise, they are going to hit 18 and go crazy and there is nothing you can do.

Janet
Two sons, 27 & 30. Both are great young men.

Couldn't have put it better myself.
Jan
Daughter 39, son 33.
Both turned out great.

 

[UntamedRose]

See two options...

As your, your daughters friend...you could wait and watch how much these two are interacting. B/C they might not be at all. There is an application on FB, that lets you know the top ten people looking at your page......helps to see who following you. Could use that on her account to see if this gal is coming by often.

Or you could be up front and honest about her. I'm guessing(though idk specifics) thats she's mature enough to handle such.

but it really depends upon exactly HOW dangerous this gal is and why. I know a few people in my own past I wouldn't dink around and wait on ending the contact.

 

[Mary Kay]

Boy there is some great advice in this thread. As a facebook user, I try to figure out who the heck is friending me! But as someone else said..kids want a high friend count. Mostly they are on my space as they see face book as an old people's forum (that is what my 17 year old grandson told me!)
If your daughter friended you..accept! Post a silly on her face book page once in a while and try your best not to embarass her. She just voted you dad of the year with her invite.
As for the ex. I would toss out a casual warning about her and wait for her to ask for more. (It may take a day or two) Always take the high road..more then likely the other person will do something stupid and turn the kid off. meanwhile you can keep tabs quietly.
Teenage girls are smarter then you think and so naive as to break your heart..all while doing thier makeup and arranging their stuffed animals on the bed.

 

[Bobnoxious]

If your daughter friended you..accept! Post a silly on her face book page once in a while and try your best not to embarass her. She just voted you dad of the year with her invite.

haha! Thanks. I'm far from father of the year. These two kids have been through way more crap in their lifetime than any one kid should have to endure. But, somehow they turned out to be two of the smartest, funniest kids I know.

The conversation was a lot easier than I thought it would be. It turns out, this woman was texting my daughter. And she actually told my daughter why her sister was in jail. That wasn't her place to do that. Even my psycho ex has enough sense to let me handle things like that. My daughter even had enough sense to tell her younger brother that she was in jail for parking tickets. My older ex-step-son talks to my son all the time, and never told him any details. Apparently everyone has a little common sense except THAT woman.

Anyhow, after I was done, my daughter was pretty appalled at the whole thing, and agreed not to have any contact with this woman.

So, thanks for all the advice everyone. I think the subject matter was scaring me for the most part. But after this, I swear my kids are wearing some sort of emotional armor. Weird.

 

[Stephra]

Sounds like open communication wins the day again!

Honestly, if more people would just TALK about things, so many misunderstandings could be avoided. I'm very glad to hear that things went well.

You seem to be doing all the important things right. Your daughter's gonna be just fine!

 

[Mary Kay]

You did good! When kids grow up they forget dishes in the sink and the upmoped floor and remember the bonding and fun things that parents promoted. they will repeat what you told them when they become parents. The eye contact at a recital, baseball game or graduation lasts forever!

 

[Lab]

well most likely you have a 2wire, linksys or other low cost router that came from your isp.. type in the address bar http://192.168.1.1 that will go to your router.. it might ask for password.. if you have not set one.. default on most is no name.. password admin

login on that.. from there there is settings that will let you block keywords, web sites, if you set up a password for the router and just not give it to the kids then you can stop the ps3 ext from being able to connect..

but to be honest with you.. only do that if you know that they are up to no good.. at that age doing things like that they do not see as you protecting them.. they see it as you do not trust them.. and a lot of time things that are put off limits to you.. you try harder to get at. A good talk about things to avoid works wonders if they know that hey if i happen to find out then the net goes down they will stay off or they will wipe the history ext and you will know something is up