Virgin Vapor ***CONTEST GIVEAWAY***03

[DaleH1985]

3/15 #1

An Irishman, by the name of O'Malley proposed to his girl on St. Patrick's Day. He gave her a ring with a synthetic diamond. The excited young lass showed it to her father, a jeweller. He took one look at it and saw it wasn't real.

The young lass on learning it wasn't real returned to her future husband. She protested vehemently about his cheapness.

'It was in honour of St. Patrick's Day, 'he smiled.

'I gave you a sham rock.'

 

[Qew]

3-15 #1

A family from a third world country were brought to an American shopping mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.

The boy asked his Father, "What is this Father?".

The Father responded, "Son I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don`t know what it is!"

While the boy and his Father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up.

They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a voluptuous 24 year old woman stepped out.

The Father said to his son, "Go get your Mother".

 

[Qew]

3-15 #2

Mike showed up for Mass one Sunday and the priest about fell over when he saw him. Mike had never been seen in church in his life.

After the service, the priest caught up with Mike and said "Mike, I'm glad you decided to come to church, what made you come?"

Mike said, "I got to be honest with you, Father. A while back I misplaced my hat and I really, really love that hat. I knew that Mr. Reynolds has one just like mine and I knew that Mr. Reynolds came to church every Sunday. I also knew that Mr. Reynolds had to take off his hat during church and I figured he would leave it in the back. So, I was going to leave after communion and steal Mr. Reynolds hat."

The priest said, "Well, Mike, I notice that you didn't steal Mr. Reynold's hat. What changed your mind?"

Mike said, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal Mr. Reynold's hat."

The priest gave Mike a big smile and said, "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' you decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell?"

Mike shook his head and said, "No, Father, after you talked about 'Thou shalt not commit adultery' I remembered where I left my hat."

 

[Qew]

3-15 #3

A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy, and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble.

In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Giving up, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.

Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining.

The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," then he jumped out.

The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live." He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.

The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."

The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my back pack."

 

[Roadtrip635]

3/15 #1

Yo mamma is so dumb that she thought Dunkin' Donuts was a basketball team.

 

[Roadtrip635]

3/15 #2

Yo mamma's so fat she can't even jump to conclusions.

 

[Roadtrip635]

3/15 #3

Yo mamma so stupid, she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

 

[ChristopherZ]

3/16 #1
Q: How do you defeat a circus clown?
A: Go for the Juggler!

 

[ChristopherZ]

3/16 #2
Q: What do you call a sleeping bull?
A: A Bulldozer!

 

[ChristopherZ]

3/16 #3
I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn't complain.

 

[4lph4num3r1c]

3/16 1
Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It’s very time-consuming.

 

[CountBoredom]

3/16 #1

Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie whose dog, Skipper, had recently died.

"You know," Mom said, "it's not so bad. Skipper's probably up in Heaven right now, having a grand old time with God."

Susie stopped crying and asked, "What would God want with a dead dog?"

 

[4lph4num3r1c]

3/16 2
There was a sign on the lawn at a drug re-hab center that said ‘Keep off the Grass’.

 

[4lph4num3r1c]

3/16 3
I tried to look up impotence on the Internet but nothing came up.

 

[CountBoredom]

3/16 #2

A husband and wife have four sons. The oldest three are tall with red hair and light skin while the youngest son is short with black hair and dark eyes.

The father was on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me: Is our youngest son my child?"

The wife replied, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son."

With that, the husband passed away. The wife muttered, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."

 

[Redo]

3/16 #1

what's a vaper's favorite movie?

Ohm-ward Bound

 

[Redo]

3/16 #2

What's a vaper's least favorite movie?

Short Circuit

 

[Redo]

3/16 #3

Did you year about Godzilla when he was trying to switch to vaping? Yeah, he had to go see Volt-ron!

 

[Roadtrip635]

3/16 #1

If i had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.

 

[Roadtrip635]

3/16 #2

I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.