Just a worries vent

[lvictory23]

One of my good friends has been going thru hell lately.
(background: she is a 32 year old bartender for a music venue in Atlanta. She started college just stopped going because she didn't know what she wanted to end up doing. She had a drug addiction for a while but overcame it.)
she made a horrible mistake last year and got a DUI.
she just recently got a speeding ticket.
she just found out that she is pregnant. (and she wants to keep and have the baby (I support her in this but...))
her apartment burned to the ground last night!!!!
she has nothing!
Just the clothes on her back and the money she made last night.

I know she made mistakes:
not keeping her money in a bank (or a firesafe I guess if she doesn't trust banks)
and not having renters insurance (which is supper inexpensive)

Why does the world always seem to penalize people who are trying to clean up their acts.

what she wanted:
to work at the bar for a few more months to save money while looking for a more mommy and school friendly job.
to be able to get an education and a job in order to properly support her child.

I know I am missing stuff in this post.
I really just don't know what to do for her.
We've already offered her a room in her house (even before her apt burned down last night)
My other half has offered to help her financially (I don't have the ability to at this time)
she has offers from tons of people.
none of it make up for her loss or how stressed she is right now.
I wish there was a right scenario
a way to say this is exactly what you have to do to get your life back.

my mind bumps on so many things
should she have a baby right now?
I knew it was going to be hard before but now...

Oh Maggie, I love you to death girl. I wish I could really help, wish I could make it all go away.

 

[Dkrom68]

My thought and prayer are there for here everyone deserves a chance to clean there act up and you have to look at it from the point that once bottom is reached the only way to go is up again LOL. Try a fundraiser for her to help her get back on her feet.

 

[BradSmith]

Just let her know you care and will be there for her. Listen when she needs to talk and help when you can. I would NOT suggest lending money. If you can afford to give then by all means do so. If she ever pays you back consider it a gift from her. Lending money to friends or family is not usually a good idea. Sorry to hear about these problems and I wish you all the best of luck.

 

[cappuccina]

I agree with Brad. Absolutely be there for her, but....do NOT give her money.

However, giving her food, baby things, bedding, dishes, etc., i.e., stuff to help her get resettled is great...

Also, with the room...two things:

1. She needs a very sepcific time limit on how long she can stay; and

2. She needs very specific expectations as to what she will need to help with to stay there...IOW..."We understand completely that you can't pay us for the room, so we will be asking for you to contribute to our household by...cooking, vaccuming, etc...something that you guys already do, that is reasonable that you could use help with...

 

[ejoker]

good thoughts for her getting back up on her feet, and to you for caring.

 

[Lab]

there are a lot of places she can get help from red cross, local churches ext.. some will cover first months rent for a apartment if you show that you can afford to keep the place.. look online for local charity groups..

I had close to that happen to me if she does not want to take charity tell her think of it as a 0 interest loan once you are on your feet donate to the places that helped you out..

I used to sell drugs was able to buy houses with cash .. fbi and dea did a big bust and i got lucky..lost my house in the bust though.. so i quit everything put myself in a inpatient drug rehab.. while there I broke my back from falling 25 feet.. got out had enough for a apartment for a bit left.. after that could not afford anything knew i could start selling and make over a grand a day easy but then all the crap i did would be worthless.. so started going to local food banks ect until i could work again.. have given them back well more than they loaned me and will keep donating to them

 

[StayOutOfTrees]

I agree with Brad. Absolutely be there for her, but....do NOT give her money.

However, giving her food, baby things, bedding, dishes, etc., i.e., stuff to help her get resettled is great...

Also, with the room...two things:

1. She needs a very sepcific time limit on how long she can stay; and

2. She needs very specific expectations as to what she will need to help with to stay there...IOW..."We understand completely that you can't pay us for the room, so we will be asking for you to contribute to our household by...cooking, vaccuming, etc...something that you guys already do, that is reasonable that you could use help with...

I agree with this post very much. Also, I know that sometimes it seems to be the end of the world when many troubles happen to a person at once, but usually after just a month or two if the person doing the right things, life gets back to normal very quickly.

Glad she has a friend like you.

 

[lvictory23]

Thank you all for your advise and support.
We're having a fundraiser/benefit at the Masquerade (local concert venue/bar) here in Atlanta on the seventh.
She is looking for a new apartment (she wants to be somewhere in between her mom and the baby daddy (and for now boyfriend)
There has been an out pouring of love and I know we will get her back to a good place (physically and mentally) very soon.

I'll post and let everyone know how everything goes.
thanks again.
LVN

 

[Ez Duzit]

I have known a few people like this. Yes it's gut wrenching, and I know I'll catch flak for what I am going to say. But for the most part, they cause many of their own problems by making bad decision, after bad decision.

Please don't let her make another bad decision regarding the baby. She is definitely not in a good place to have a baby, what with not being married and having such a tough road ahead (financially, and emotionally). So many things can happen when pregnant. Does she have health insurance?
What if there are complications with the pregnancy? What if she can't work or go to school in the later stages? If she has the baby, will she be able to work and go to school? How will she live? Here's a tough one. What if the boyfriend bails? Will the father be able to pay child support, since it doesn't sound like he will be around for the long run? (I say that based on your comment about the "for now boyfriend")

I'm not an advocate of abortion. I do believe there are times when it can help a person. Giving them a chance to get it together, and then have a baby down the road, when they are able to properly cope, and give them a chance to be a better parent.
A better option might be to speak to her about adoption. It shouldn't be about what she wants, it should be about what is best for the baby. And putting the baby up for adoption would probably be the most unselfish thing she could do in her life. (And can get her proper medical care during the pregnancy and in some cases, money to help get back on track after the baby is born). The harsh realities of life can be brutal, and your friend may be a wonderful person, but having a baby now will derail her life more then it already is, and in ways she can't begin to imagine.

While both of those options will leave any normal woman with certain regrets for the rest of her life, they ARE options that will give her the time to do what she needs to do, for herself. And that is get her life together. Having a baby now would make that 100 times more difficult, if not almost impossible.

With all of that said, I do hope your friend can turn it around, and change her life for the better. She is very lucky to have you as a friend, but she needs to start making good decisions. For her and the baby. If she decides to keep it, I truly hope that she goes on to prove me wrong.