My wife says my vaping "stinks."

[Rixsta]

And see, I don't understand how couples live as if each of them are single. When I married her we agreed to become partners. It's not just my house; it's our house. If I wanted to do whatever I wanted to do without having to consult with anyone, then I wouldn't have gotten married. I made her a part of my life and that means I have to respect her and vice versa.

It's just a different outlook. It's worked for us for 28 years.

I see your point, all valid and we are all different, you don't have to live as though your single, of course not, but " she makes me brush my teeth before spending "quality time," together", you can dress that up whatever way you choose but for me,personally, that's a step too far bro....

 

[BennyAdeline]

And see, I don't understand how couples live as if each of them are single. When I married her we agreed to become partners. It's not just my house; it's our house. If I wanted to do whatever I wanted to do without having to consult with anyone, then I wouldn't have gotten married. I made her a part of my life and that means I have to respect her and vice versa.

It's just a different outlook. It's worked for us for 28 years.

I hear what you are saying, but it's not my situation at all. We are a unit, 100%, and I wouldn't have it any other way. We simply have an agreement to not ride each other in the way we see so many couples do. We both can do as we wish with our time...99.9% of the time we choose to be together.

 

[AXIOM_1]

I see your point, all valid and we are all different, you don't have to live as though your single, of course not, but " she makes me brush my teeth before spending "quality time," together", you can dress that up whatever way you choose but for me,personally, that's a step too far bro....

And just what is the quality time you speak of? MUUUUUUUUAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH.................. Trust me brother, I understand the viewpoints of others who have posted and have even had to work through a few of them myself......... But, that is one of the advantages of being older Trust me, there are very few advantages of being older but this is an area where it is an advantage. Lots of us older people have already been through the various "stages" of marital life.... The problem (as I see it) with many married couples is that in order to grow together and become one unit through the course of time, people have to put their own desires and interests aside in favor of their spouses desires............ I mean how on earth can two people grow together in spirit and become one when one person is doing their own thing all the time? It's simple, you can't.

I am not suggesting that you give of yourself so much that you do EVERYTHING that your spouse desires. That would be extreme and ridiculous...... But you do have to think MORE of your partner than yourself on those certain times where your interests and desires may clash.

 

[BennyAdeline]

I see your point, all valid and we are all different, you don't have to live as though your single, of course not, but " she makes me brush my teeth before spending "quality time," together", you can dress that up whatever way you choose but for me,personally, that's a step too far bro....

I think we share a mind

IMO, boundaries foster closeness, not limit it. Mutual respect and fair treatment are the foundation of a good relationship. Always walking on eggshells and needing to ask if it's ok to have a snack would be hell for me.

 

[AXIOM_1]

I hear what you are saying, but it's not my situation at all. We are a unit, 100%, and I wouldn't have it any other way. We simply have an agreement to not ride each other in the way we see so many couples do. We both can do as we wish with our time...99.9% of the time we choose to be together.

Then you have a sweet thing going for sure........ Most folks don't have it that easy......... Marriage is a complex affair (many variables) and I do know that one of the greatest ways to keep a marriage strong is to care more about your spouses desires than you do your own. I am NOT talking about having to yield all of the time to your spouses desires, but on occasions where you may lock horns and clash (all people eventually do) then if you think more of your spouses desires than your own then you can avoid many potential problems.

 

[BennyAdeline]

And just what is the quality time you speak of? MUUUUUUUUAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH.................. Trust me brother, I understand the viewpoints of others who have posted and have even had to work through a few of them myself......... But, that is one of the advantages of being older Trust me, there are very few advantages of being older but this is an area where it is an advantage. Lots of us older people have already been through the various "stages" of marital life.... The problem (as I see it) with many married couples is that in order to grow together and become one unit through the course of time, people have to put their own desires and interests aside in favor of their spouses desires............ I mean how on earth can two people grow together in spirit and become one when one person is doing their own thing all the time? It's simple, you can't.

I am not suggesting that you give of yourself so much that you do EVERYTHING that your spouse desires. That would be extreme and ridiculous...... But you do have to think MORE of your partner than yourself on those certain times where your interests and desires may clash.

Very wise and valuable advice.

 

[AXIOM_1]

Very wise and valuable advice.

I don't know about the wise part but thanks for the kind words

 

[BennyAdeline]

Then you have a sweet thing going for sure........ Most folks don't have it that easy......... Marriage is a complex affair (many variables) and I do know that one of the greatest ways to keep a marriage strong is to care more about your spouses desires than you do your own. I am NOT talking about having to yield all of the time to your spouses desires, but on occasions where you may lock horns and clash (all people eventually do) then if you think more of your spouses desires than your own then you can avoid many potential problems.

I've always known I've gotten pretty lucky with my marriage.

Everything you are saying is perfect. I have mostly been referring to nit picking, not the entire scope of marriage. I always put my wife first, but it is still important to advocate for myself from time to time if needed. I just never want to be a doormat.

 

[AndriaD]

I hear what you are saying, but it's not my situation at all. We are a unit, 100%, and I wouldn't have it any other way. We simply have an agreement to not ride each other in the way we see so many couples do. We both can do as we wish with our time...99.9% of the time we choose to be together.

I had to learn, when we first got together, that trying to live in each other's pocket was a really bad idea -- I had to find ways to amuse myself so as not to be "clock-watching" for his home-from-work time, and not to jump on him with my "amuse me!" demands the minute he walked in the door.

When our son grew up, I no longer had a *need* to always go outdoors to smoke... but I kept it up anyway, both for the benefit of having a non-ashtray-smelling house, and for my husband, a non-smoker. But when I'd walk back in, I had to keep away from him for a few minutes, so as not to breathe that stink all over him.

When I first started vaping, most (nearly all) of the reason was just so I didn't have to always be running outdoors. He applauded that, since most of the time if he wanted to find me, I was out on the porch. He doesn't really find any smell at all in my vaping, *unless* my wick/coil is badly gunked, and he says that smells like "burnt crap" -- who knew?!

It's correct that both partners need to be happy -- but the one who is NOT addicted to something deadly needs to do everything in their power to support the one trying to make a change to something non-deadly... Telling that person "that stuff stinks" is very much NOT the way to be supportive. In fact it's a good way to make that person decide oh what's the use, and go back to the deadly habit. If the non-addicted spouse truly loves the addicted spouse and is not a complete narcissist, they don't say things like that. But if they somehow have the idea that the addicted spouse simply LIVES in order to make the other one happy, then things like that will be said.

All that, of course, is if the problem is merely the smell. If there is an ACTUAL allergy, then it's possible that vaping may have to be kept outdoors as smoking was. But lots of people claim "allergy" when it's simply distaste.

Andria

 

[Rixsta]

It is impossible to know a persons relationship and can only take what is written in their post and that is all I did, it wasn't meant to offend, it was simply how I felt when I read it so I posted my views. There are some great posts here from much wiser people I understand that. If your happy then that's great. I spent 10 years smoking outside and brushing my teeth afterwards, there is no way I am doing either of those things now I'm vaping, not on your nelly..

 

[AXIOM_1]

I've always known I've gotten pretty lucky with my marriage.

Everything you are saying is perfect. I have mostly been referring to nit picking, not the entire scope of marriage. I always put my wife first, but it is still important to advocate for myself from time to time if needed. I just never want to be a doormat.

Brother, I totally understand what you mean............ I think with us males that it comes natural to not want to be a doormat...... Nothing is as harmful to a male than feeling like a doormat and this is one of the areas where Women often don't get it. (How could they, they are not males)......... Some Men allow themselves to become doormats even though by nature, they hate it. In situations like that then marriage becomes a living hell for guys like that. So, yes I understand why Men feel that they should initially put their feet down and not let it ever get to a point where they are a doormat...... There is lots of validity to that point........... The only advice I am trying to spew out to some folks here who may have not been married for very long, is that people have to be very careful in HOW they put their feet down. I too set my foot down many moons ago when we hadn't been married too long because I was starting to see how things were heading towards the doormat syndrome as i call it. BUT, I did it in a way, and with lots of communication to where I was not coming off as a "me Tarzan you Jane" type of a guy. I communicated and reasoned with my wife.

 

[AndriaD]

Brother, I totally understand what you mean............ I think with us males that it comes natural to not want to be a doormat...... Nothing is as harmful to a male than feeling like a doormat and this is one of the areas where Women often don't get it. (How could they, they are not males)......... Some Men allow themselves to become doormats even though by nature, they hate it. In situations like that then marriage becomes a living hell for guys like that. So, yes I understand why Men feel that they should initially put their feet down and not let it ever get to a point where they are a doormat...... There is lots of validity to that point........... The only advice I am trying to spew out to some folks here who may have not been married for very long, is that people have to be very careful in HOW they put their feet down. I too set my foot down many moons ago when we hadn't been married too long because I was starting to see how things were heading towards the doormat syndrome as i call it. BUT, I did it in a way, and with lots of communication to where I was not coming off as a "me Tarzan you Jane" type of a guy. I communicated and reasoned with my wife.

Communication really is key. As my husband often says... "I'm psychO, not psychIC."

My husband had this habit of coming home from work and collapsing on the bed. It drove me NUTS. It took a bit of marital-therapy for him to understand that my mother used to do that, when I was still in single digits, and it made me feel unvalued, unappreciated... unloved. So he stopped; he'll look at the mail, play with the cat, play on his computer for a while, and if he really feels sleepy, THEN he'll lay down for a little while till dinner. That doesn't bother me, since he spent some time with me before collapsing.

Andria

 

[DC2]

Never fails to astonish me how women have their men jumping through hoops and how men seems to go along with it. You can't vape in your own house, oh hell no. Don't get me wrong, I love my wife very much but there has to be healthy boundaries. I don't like the taste of my wife's lipstick but I wouldn't ask her to take it off before I kissed her. Sorry, I just speak my mind, sometimes you have to put your foot down, no idea how guys live like that..

You've basically got three choices in life...

1) Marry someone sane and reasonable
2) Marry someone who isn't sane and reasonable and try to appease them
3) Marry someone who isn't sane and reasonable and work hard to come to agreements

Of course, if YOU are not sane to start with, none of this will matter.

I hear so many guys say things like "my wife won't let me" or "I have to ask her first". Makes me cringe. I've also noticed those guys expect their wives to ask permission to do things as well. I could not imagine living like that, either under someones thumb or trying to trap someone under mine.

It helps to have a bit of money to spare.
Eliminates a lot of issues, and a lot of arguments.


Of course, if you have kids, that brings up a whole new set of potential disagreements.

We have enough money, we have no children, we are both sane, and we respect each other.
So we pretty much never have anything to argue about.

And when we do, we try to "discuss" rather than argue.
But of course, you have to have that "sane and reasonable" base to work that angle.

 

[AXIOM_1]

Communication really is key. As my husband often says... "I'm psychO, not psychIC."

My husband had this habit of coming home from work and collapsing on the bed. It drove me NUTS. It took a bit of marital-therapy for him to understand that my mother used to do that, when I was still in single digits, and it made me feel unvalued, unappreciated... unloved. So he stopped; he'll look at the mail, play with the cat, play on his computer for a while, and if he really feels sleepy, THEN he'll lay down for a little while till dinner. That doesn't bother me, since he spent some time with me before collapsing.

Andria

Agreed.
Yes communication is key and where lots of us males fail miserably is in the "emotional" department. Women tend to be more sensitive to things (like you mentioned about the behavior of your mother in the past) and guys may understand their spouses plight on a "mental" level but not on a deep emotional level, which is the area where most Women operate from. Unfortunately Men are very visual creatures and Women are more emotional creatures (generally speaking of course)........... One of the key components of communication is understanding the other person's emotions. You can have all of the communication in the world but it will return void and null if the people involved do not care about the other person's feelings. This is the area where most guys are lacking. They go to marriage counselors and learn the importance of communication but then they wonder why things still don't improve between themselves and their wife.... It is because they still haven't learned what PROPER communication is. They don't understand that proper communication not only involves the moving of the mouth but in actually caring about the other person's feelings that you are communicating with.

 

[AndriaD]

You've basically got three choices in life...

1) Marry someone sane and reasonable
2) Marry someone who isn't sane and try to appease them
3) Marry someone who isn't sane and work hard to come to agreements

Of course, if YOU are not sane to start with, none of this will matter.



It helps to have a bit of money to spare.
Eliminates a lot of issues, and a lot of arguments.


Of course, if you have kids, that brings up a whole new set of potential disagreements.

We have enough money, we have no children, we are both sane, and we respect each other.
So we pretty much never have anything to argue about.

And when we do, we try to "discuss" rather than argue.

We're doing better financially SINCE I QUIT SMOKING!, and our son is grown (though we always parented him in stereo!)... and we're both somewhat insane, but in ways that complement the other... so we never argue about important stuff -- but we do bicker if either or both of us is just in a bad mood. Like water off a duck's back...

I tried the "appeasement" thing with my ex... didn't work -- I was never going to be the person he wanted me to be, and thank god, I realized it, less than a year into the marriage. Then I found someone who loved me, and didn't consider me a fixer-upper...

Andria

 

[DC2]

Yes communication is key and where lots of us males fail miserably is in the "emotional" department. Women tend to be more sensitive to things (like you mentioned about the behavior of your mother in the past) and guys may understand their spouses plight on a "mental" level but not on a deep emotional level, which is the area where most Women operate from. Unfortunately Men are very visual creatures and Women are more emotional creatures (generally speaking of course)........... One of the key components of communication is understanding the other person's emotions. You can have all of the communication in the world but it will return void and null if the people involved do not care about the other person's feelings. This is the area where most guys are lacking. They go to marriage counselors and learn the importance of communication but then they wonder why things still don't improve between themselves and their wife.... It is because they still haven't learned what PROPER communication is. They don't understand that proper communication not only involves the moving of the mouth but in actually caring about the other person's feelings that you are communicating with.

So basically...

1) Be sane and reasonable
2) Care about each other and respect each other

I still think most of what you said starts with being sane and reasonable.
Being all emotional, whether it be a man or a woman, is not being sane and reasonable.

If either party is not sane and reasonable, trouble WILL ensue.

And if you don't care about each other and respect each other...
Why bother? Get a divorce.

 

[AXIOM_1]

Then I found someone who loved me, and didn't consider me a fixer-upper...

Andria

sorry to possibly some males who may object, but I can't stand guys like that........... When I was younger, and maybe more naive than I am now, I ALWAYS desired to have a hot looking Woman who would love me. (arm candy)......... In other words, I was the typical male who is very visual by nature. But, through the use of bad experiences, age, insanity, stupidity, or whatever you want to call it, I learned that maybe, just maybe, I could possibly love someone that wasn't a 10 on the beauty scale. Not only that, those +10 beauties get expensive Don't get me wrong because I lucked out and found my wife who is very attractive......... But had I not found her I would have changed my prior naive ways and started trying to find someone who may have been less attractive. Guys who try to keep women looking hot are not using many brain cells.

 

[Inni]

My sense of smell has come back in the 4 months since I started vaping and quit analogs. My youngest son says he can't smell it at all, and he could certainly smell the cig smoke - even from outside.

I have never encountered a bad smelling vapor, myself. I suppose it's possible - from what I've read - and certainly, personal likes and dislikes come into play.

I would have to say, however, that tobacco cigs stink way more than any vapor - so this situation is hard to imagine.

My answer would be to avoid vaping around my partner if he didn't like it.

I dated someone recently that had a lung problem, so I would vape outside or sit right next to an open door with a fan blowing the vapor out. It never bothered him.

All things in a relationship require compromise.




Andria,

"Then I found someone who loved me, and didn't consider me a fixer-upper... " ...


That is awesome! I hope to be that luck one day.

 

[AndriaD]

sorry to possibly some males who may object, but I can't stand guys like that........... When I was younger, and maybe more naive than I am now, I ALWAYS desired to have a hot looking Woman who would love me. (arm candy)......... In other words, I was the typical male who is very visual by nature. But, through the use of bad experiences, age, insanity, stupidity, or whatever you want to call it, I learned that maybe, just maybe, I could possibly love someone that wasn't a 10 on the beauty scale. Not only that, those +10 beauties get expensive Don't get me wrong because I lucked out and found my wife who is very attractive......... But had I not found her I would have changed my prior naive ways and started trying to find someone who may have been less attractive. Guys who try to keep women looking hot are not using many brain cells.

It wasn't my looks that troubled my ex... at least, not ONLY my looks. It's weird because my husband and my ex are exactly the same age... but my ex was more like a "daddy-teacher" type, but my husband and I have ALWAYS been peers, though he's almost 9 yrs older. But it makes all the difference... we're partners, not teacher-acolyte.

My husband and I have both changed, very much for the better, in the 29 yrs we've been together, but none of the changes were forced by the other spouse... they just came about due to growing older, wiser, more experienced, and we did them together. We've never lived in each other's pocket, but we've managed to stay hand-in-hand, and when there were problems, we did whatever we could to fix them -- neither of us ever wanted to be divorced again, and certainly not when there was a child involved.

Which is maybe why our son paid us the supreme compliment of saying that we were the "sanest" parents he'd ever seen or known about -- despite the fact that my husband and I both, by "society's" standards, are more than a little insane.

Andria

 

[puddinman]

I see your point, all valid and we are all different, you don't have to live as though your single, of course not, but " she makes me brush my teeth before spending "quality time," together", you can dress that up whatever way you choose but for me,personally, that's a step too far bro....

I'm not sure I understand what's a step too far? If your wife didn't like the taste of your vape when she kissed you and she asked you to brush your teeth, are you saying you wouldn't?