A smoking joke to lighten the mood

[IanK1968]

Two Old ladies were smoking a cigarette while waiting for a bus. When it started to rain, one of the women reached into her purse, took out a condom, cut off the tip, slipped it over the cigarettee and continued to smoke.
That’s a good idea, thought her friend, and so the next day she went into a pharmacist’s and asked for a condom.
“What size?” asked the pharmacists.
“One that will fit a Camel.”

 

[AllYourBase]

That's a good one!

 

[hairball]

Good joke...I needed a laugh right now...thank you.

 

[NoizMaker]

A lady was filling her tank at a gas station, smoking a cigarette, even though all the signs say not to. The fumes that came out of the gas tank ignited, severely burning her hands. But it also lit up her arm, too! Instead of rolling on the ground to put it out, she panicked. She took off running down the street.

A police car was at the intersection where it happened and he tried to stop her to put out her arm, but she just kept running and screaming. All the officer could think of doing was to shoot her, which took everyone by surprise. The officer ran over to her and put the fire out, then called for an ambulance.
When questioned about his course of action to stop her, the officer said, “My only thought was to stop her. After all, she was waving a fire-arm.”

Instant Drum Roll

 

[Eddie.Willers]

Here's an oldie..

Interviewer: "Do you smoke after sex?"
Man: "I don't know. I never looked".

 

[JayTheVapingGuy]

What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking during sex?

slow down and add some lube!

 

[aziffel]

Hahahaha

 

[JayTheVapingGuy]

A man walks into a pharmacy and says, “can I have some tampons please?”

The pharmacist replies, ” what do you want tampons for?”

The man says, “they’re for my wife.”

So the pharmacist says ok and tells him they're in Aisle 8 and the man walks away and goes down that aisle. After a few minutes, the man hasn't come back and the pharmacist starts to wonder what was going on. Figuring he got stumbled by the vast options, she decided to go and see if he needed some help.

When she got to Aisle 8, he wasn't there. She started to walk back to the front of the store when she saw him bent over in aisle 5 with armloads of cotton balls, twine and cardboard tubes...

“Sir, I though you were looking for tampons???” the pharmacist questions,

“Yeah” says the bloke, “well, last weekend I sent the wife out to buy me a carton of cigarettes and she came back with a packet of rolling tobacco and papers, so I figured “screw her, she can roll her own too!”

 

[JayTheVapingGuy]

and then there was this act called "the Aristocrats"... but you probably don't wanna see that one here in the forums!

 

[rolandpibb]

Guy says to his co-worker "Do you wanna go for a smoke?"

She says "No, I just came from having one"

He says "Oh, was it that good?"

 

[Pipeous]

There's some good ones. this is going to be stuck in my head all day though
“screw her, she can roll her own too!”

 

[AlbertaClipper]

An older lady named Pat was somewhat lonely since her cat died and decided she needed another pet to keep her company. So, off to the pet shop she went. She searched and searched. None of the pets seemed to catch her interest, except this ugly frog. As she walked by the jar he was in, she looked and he winked at her.

He whispered, 'I'M SO LONELY, TOO. BUY ME AND TAKE ME HOME.. YOU WON'T EVER BE SORRY.'

Pat figured, what the heck! She hadn't found
anything else. So she bought the frog. She placed
him in the car, on the front seat beside her.
As she was slowly driving down the road, the frog whispered to her 'KISS ME AND YOU WON'T BE SORRY..'!

So, Pat figured, WHAT THE HECK, and kissed the frog.

IMMEDIATELY the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous, sexy, young, handsome prince

THE PRINCE THEN RETURNED PAT'S KISS.

SUDDENLY PAT FELT HERSELF
TRANSFORMING FROM HIS KISS. NOW
CAN YOU GUESS WHAT PAT TURNED INTO?

COME ON GUESS!



*

*

*

*


*



SHE TURNED INTO
the first Holiday Inn
SHE COULD FIND!!!



She's old...... NOT DEAD!!!!!
OLD LADIES ROCK

 

[AlbertaClipper]

This article from "The Onion" is pretty funny and satirizes the perception of Canada that many Americans have:

Perky 'Canada' Has Own Government, Laws

 

[fcitrolo]

Certainly some good jokes in this thread that have made me laugh.

 

[JayTheVapingGuy]

In a School science class four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.
The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.

After one day, these were the results:
The first worm in alcohol — dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke — dead.
The third worm in sperm — dead.
The fourth worm in soil — alive.

So the science teacher asked the class — “What can you learn from this experiment.”

Little Johnny quickly raised his hand and said. “As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won’t have worms.”

 

[JayTheVapingGuy]

Three little boys were sitting on the porch, when one little boy says, “My Daddy smokes, and he can blow smoke rings.”

The second little boy pipes up, “Well, my Dad smokes, too, and can blow smoke out of his eyes.”

The third little boy, not to be outdone responds, “My Dad can blow smoke out of his .....”

“Really, have you seen it?” reply the boys.

The third boy responds, “No, but I’ve seen the tobacco stains on his underwear…..”

 

[JayTheVapingGuy]

A rabbit one day managed to break free from the testing laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. 'Wow, this is great,' he thought.

It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight, lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass. 'Hey,' he called. 'I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits? 'Yes. Come and join us,' they cried. Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good.

'What else do you wild rabbits do?' he asked. 'Well,' one of them said. 'You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them.' This, he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful.

Later, he asked them again, 'What else do you do?' 'You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well.' The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full. 'Is there anything else you guys do?' he asked.

One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly. 'There's one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there,' he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. 'They're girl rabbits. We shag them. Go and try it.' Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning shagging his little heart out until, completely knackered, he staggered back over to the guys. 'That was fantastic,' he panted.

'So are you going to live with us then?' one of them asked.
'I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't.'
The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. 'Why? We thought you liked it here.'
'I do,' our friend replied. 'But I must get back to the laboratory. I'm dying for a cigarette.'

 

[AllYourBase]

I just posted one of my favorite joke images over in another thread. If you have a couple of free minutes and want a good laugh, check it out.
And if you get a laugh out of it, please it the 'Like' button at the bottom! It's for a contest, the one with the most 'like's wins.

http://www.e-cigarette-forum.com/fo...t-volt-smokelessimage-com-13.html#post3113412

 

[Mudder]

Awesome jokes guys. Thanks for the laughs.