The Cable Rant from Hell or, Why I am Looking for Alternatives to Big Cable
Day 1: Morning. We eat static for breakfast. I pull the plugs, from the TV, charger jacks, from the cable box and router. Let sit 5 minutes or more, replug and reboot. No joy: "AT&T Service is not available at this time. Please do the following: Unplug, wait around, and reboot all your crap and repeat 10 times in a row. If that don't work, here's a web address." But ... the internet is out ... how am I supposed to ... ?
Finally find a phone number, and of course the first thing they tell me to do is reboot everything. Said I did all that already, several times. It appears there is simply no signal coming into the house. She runs some remote tests. By now it is about 3pm, and I accept that it may be too late for a service call that day, I understand, fine. They will definitely try to make it before the end of business tomorrow, and understand how important my cable and internet are to me. Oh do they now. Got their nose right up there huh.
Day Two: Wake up, and behold! Internet! Still no cable TV, and finally the guy shows up. He mickey-mouses around for 2 hours, reboots the cable box, and everything works. I ask him what he did besides reboot the box just now and he says he didn't do anything. He's looking at his computer book and says, "Oh! Look! Look!" He hands me the iPad.
Me: "What am I looking at?"
Cable Guy: "See? Someone was here yesterday, outside, working on the lines or something. See?"
Me: "Never knew. I do know that 5 minutes after the cable and internet went out, I received a text message from AT&T telling me they just improved my local cell phone service." He did not think that was funny. Neither did I. It was supposed to be true, and it was.
Okay so everything works. For a day. Then bupkiss again.
Me: "What did you touch!?!?!"
Wife: "Nothing! It was off when I woke up. I already called. They said a service charge may apply this time. I said it most certainly may not until they find out exactly what the problem is, because all this equipment is theirs not ours."
Me: "That's the girl I married. What time are they coming?"
Wife: "Maybe tomorrow, if not by the end of business tomorrow, definitely before the end of the world."
Me: "No cable or internet ... for maybe days? To save our marriage, I think we now need some time apart."
With pens hovering over the divorce papers, they come again, tell me the data port on the street is shot. They fix it. Everything works. Except the DVR functions. Now we can't record anything. I notice I have a garbled poor-quality phone message, something about needing to get into my garage one more time so can someone please wait around all day again?
Their automated phone assistance made me want to stick a gun in my mouth. Nearly impossible to talk to a live person. When you finally get one, they have no record of your problem from past calls. So I figure out a way to fix all this.
Me: "Hi, I'm Ohms Lawbreaker, account number 555-666. I'd like to cancel my cable TV, internet, and cell phone service please. My wife will be cancelling her cell phone service too, but I guess she'll have to do that herself."
AT&T Rep: "Oh, so sorry to blagh blagh! Is there something wrong with the quality of your service? Perhaps we can fix that for you."
Me: "No, no problem."
AT&T Rep:
Long lag ... "Sir? If you could tell me the reason -- "
Me: "No reason. Don't think I need a reason not to
buy something."
AT&T: "But it would help for our records if -- "
Me: "Ain't that the truth! I'm so disorganized myself. Tell ya what. I'll help you with your records if you come over and help me with mine, you know, Even Steven. Otherwise, I'm not sure why I should care about your records."
AT&T Rep: "I can go ahead and get this started for you, but could you tell me, did your cable go out? If the service -- "
Me: "I love the service. It's beautiful. I love you, too."
AT&T Rep: ".... Ohhh-kaaay.... We'll go ahead and take care of that for you. Thank you for using AT&T."