Deliver Me from this!

[jdvorr]

Okay, so I’m Driving up to the closest coffee shop because I’m out of my favorite creamer and I just can’t have my coffee with out french vanilla. I love the stuff. I know you’d think a guy that lives in the woods and can bring down a bull moose with a pocket knife would take his coffee black, but I’m also a man of culture. So, I wander into Lakes Latte’ ready to order when I look into the seating area and spot--guess who? The mailman! Sitting leisurely sipping on a beverage, doing the crossword puzzle! Okay, so what’s a 9 letter word for “get off your ... & deliver my V4L order”? I know from previous experience that he’s not allowed to get the mail off the truck early, so I bite my tongue and take my java out to the Jeep. The mail truck is only about 30 yards away & I know exactly what the package looks like. I could be in & out in like 30 seconds! No, dude, you haven’t done any petty criminal activity in like 30 yrs.. Self restraint is the name of the game. Anyway, I just got an order on Friday. It’s not like I’m short on juice or anything. But I really want to try that sour green apple in the premium carto. Maybe I could just look in the truck & see if the package is there. No harm in that, right? Get a grip on yourself, it’s only a few hours til delivery. You can wait. Besides, there’s errands to run and chores to do. I pull out my chrome shorty and take a few drags on some Red Cow. I love this stuff! I’m above this kind of obsessive behavior. At least the medication is supposed to help me be above it. Back to the Jeep and crank up some Eels “Novacaine for the Soul” Now this rocks! I put a serious sound system in the Jeep because I spend so much time on the road for work. I’ve got the ipod on shuffle and I’m headed for the hardware store and the next tune is The Replacements “Can’t Hardly Wait” and I think that someone has a sense of humor! I laugh to myself and a woman walking by with her little boy looks at me funny and hurries past. I imagine her saying, “Now Timmy, don’t grow up to be like that strange man in the Jeep.”. It’s not my fault! V4L has brought me to this point. Only the mailman can deliver me! Sometimes he delivers early on Tuesdays.

 

[critterbug]

hahahahahaaaa! made me lafffffff so hard.

The other day I was hoping my package would get here and I made up a stupid reason to call the post office and ask if I had mail. I thought that maybe since the mail comes in early, it had arrived while the mailman was out delivering. I claimed I had an orange package delivery slip (one of the "Too big for your mailbox slips") and I wasn't sure what the date was on it and I couldn't tell them what it was because I didn't have it with me, but could they please check and see if I had any packages. bwaaaaa pa-thet-ick!

It's kinda embarrassing to be so obsessed. I haven't come to terms with it yet.

 

[Blue Skies]

Entertaining story! Good luck with the mailman, hope your package gets there early today to reward you for excellent self-control

 

[ejoker]

probably coulda just hotwired that mail truck and left it behind the local grocery store after grabbing your package. accourse then you'd probably get caught vaping in the drivers seat ...

 

[Desertfremen]

OMFGz! my mailman or mailchicky probably doesn't even know just how lucky they are that I'm working when the mail is delivered.

 

[thelook]

Thank you for the laugh!

 

[RandomHero]

Tell me how the sour green apple is!

 

[Sparklet]

It's a good thing that the mail comes early somewhere. If it came early here I'd probably faint. I'm waiting on 5 deliveries of which one is from V4L and I can hardly stand the waiting.
Your short stories keep me balanced knowing that someone is worse than myself.
Did I mention that if the mailman is in a good mood sometimes he brings the boxes/bags right to my door so I don't have to go to the end of the driveway to attack the mail box.
Thanks for the laughs

 

[cubist]

Great post!

Our mail at work is running late & I'm waiting for my first V4L order. At lunchtime, I actually took the long way out through the back of the office park hoping to spot the mail truck.

I have not been this excited since I was a kid waiting for my junk to to come in the mail from Bazooka Joe!

 

[5cardstud]

I guess all the parents now know how their little ones feel when they're in the store begging you to buy something for them. I went through that on my first package. Now it seems like I got to many comming. I had someone the other day say the money arrived and the juice will be sent. I thanked her because as I told her I had forgotten all about it. Go figure.

 

[ALC]

I love that story. I feel ya, I had called my post office like 5 times and finally today he recognized my voice and address and said "yes!!! come and get it". He actually pulled it out of the sorted delivery box. I couldn't even wait for it to be delivered 3 hours later. In my defense it was a package that was shipped on 2/8 along with one I ordered Friday (go figure).

 

[MacArthurBug]

My mailman has yet to come before 2 in the after noon since we moved here. And yet. I can see my mailbox from a window. This is good because the driveway is coated with snow. SO! I ruuuun upstairs, position my stool, and peek. Nope flag's still up. A few minutes later I'm in the bathroom again (did I mention it's the bathroom window?) on a stool, leaning to the side. Nope. Flags still up. I think my grils are wondering if I've gone (more) crazy, up and down those steps already a dozen times since noon. After all, He might come early! Even running up and down stairs is exellent exercise!

 

[gregsgirl71]

I did this very same thing Saturday morning..... but in my defense, I REALLLY needed some RY4..... and I did stop and get donuts on the way home for the kids...

 

[jdvorr]

Alright, I’m back from my trip into town. I enjoyed the double shot latte but I stopped to get my french vanilla creamer & have a pot of the good stuff brewing. Vaping on O.J. & perusing my purchases. I’ve had an on going battle with Dupa, my white long haired cat. She has found a way, no matter what I’ve tried to prevent it, to spill the freaking water dish every day for the past few months. Yes, I bought the supposed spill proof bowls. I put the bowls on a tray so she couldn’t slide them around. I put rubber things under the tray, so it wouldn’t slide. She still spills the water! She has a brain the size of a walnut and she outsmarts me repeatedly. Not this time! I purchased some long screws & some little doohickeys that will fit over the bottom edge of the bowls. I’m actually clamping the bowls to the floor! That’s how far this has gone! Oh, you think maybe I’ve gone over the edge? Well you try stepping in cold water with soggy cat food in it everyday for a few months and we’ll see how you handle it! I will not be defeated. I am the top of the food chain! I’m master & commander of my domain! Well, that is unless my GF comes over. But still! Okay so the battle of the water bowl is over and victory is mine! So what. I still haven’t received my V4L order. Friday I got my order by 2:30. Normal delivery is between 3 & 4. There was no mail delivery yesterday, so today is probably a heavy day for Mr. crossword & coffee. Speaking of coffee, my pot is done. Mmmmm… coffee! Nectar of the gods! Juice of the sacred bean. Okay, whatever… I get a little carried away now & then. But I am enjoying it. Nelson the super beagle hasn’t even raised an eyebrow toward the window since I returned, which is a good sign that the mail is not here yet. But then again, sometimes I think he’s ......ed. (sorry if that’s not pc, but these are desperate times!) He still runs to the door every time that stupid doorbell rings on t.v. in the Jimmy Johns commercial! It doesn’t sound anything like my doorbell! So here I sit, held hostage by V4L & the US Postal Service. I am not a religious man but desperate times call for desperate measures! Lord, have mercy on this poor soul & deliver me from this!

 

[Trish342]

I feel your pain with the cat and water bowl thing. I have 4 boy cats and they have this obsession with the straw in my 7-11 big gulp diet coke. They spilt the entire drink on my cute little green battery the other day and it is now DEAD. They are lucky I love them so much.
Keep us updated.....I love how you tell stories.

 

[lady9ball]

Funny stuff! Enjoyed both stories (sorry to get pleasure from you suffering!).

I decided to work from home today so that *I* could be the one to open the package. We have a mailman alarm in the form of a German Shepard who starts barking when they are on the next block and doesn't stop until they've moved on. I'm happy to say that my alarm was accurate and on-point today and my latest order has arrived safely! Just had to rub it in.

 

[jdvorr]

Funny stuff! Enjoyed both stories (sorry to get pleasure from you suffering!).

I decided to work from home today so that *I* could be the one to open the package. We have a mailman alarm in the form of a German Shepard who starts barking when they are on the next block and doesn't stop until they've moved on. I'm happy to say that my alarm was accurate and on-point today and my latest order has arrived safely! Just had to rub it in.

Thanks for that, Cruella DeVille!

 

[gregsgirl71]

Funny stuff! Enjoyed both stories (sorry to get pleasure from you suffering!).

I decided to work from home today so that *I* could be the one to open the package. We have a mailman alarm in the form of a German Shepard who starts barking when they are on the next block and doesn't stop until they've moved on. I'm happy to say that my alarm was accurate and on-point today and my latest order has arrived safely! Just had to rub it in.

I'm happy you got yours.... but that's just mean.....

 

[kdcaines]

Great stories jd, Keep 'em coming!


Oh, and by the way.....my mailman came early today!

 

[jdvorr]

Great stories jd, Keep 'em coming!


Oh, and by the way.....my mailman came early today!

Oh, aren't you just special! (big raspberry!)