Free Indulgence Starter Kit Contest from Mister-E-Liquid.com

[Lazerrred]

Zeke and Zeb decided to build a Bungee Jumping tower in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico to see if it would make them some money. After they got it set up, they noticed that the crowds gathered around but nobody was buying tickets.

Zeke said to Zeb, "Maybe you should demonstrate it to them so they get the idea." After Zeb was strapped on he jumped and fell almost to the ground before springing back.

As he came back up Zeke noticed that his cloths were torn and wondered what that was all about.

Zeb went down again and this time when he came back up Zeke noticed that he was bleeding. Zeke thought, "Wow, what's going on here."

Zeb went down a third time and this time when he came back up Zeke noticed that he had blood, contusions and cuts all over his body.

Zeke pulled Zeb in and said, "Zeb, what happened?"

Zeb groaned, "I don't know, but what's a pinata??

 

[Lazerrred]

A guy is sitting at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He's slamming tequila left and right. He grabs one, drinks it, goes over to a window and jumps out. The guy who was sitting next to him couldn't believe that the guy had just done that. He was more surprised when, ten minutes later, the same guy, unscathed, comes walking back into the bar and sits back down next to him. The astonished guy asks "How did you do that? I just saw you jump out that window and we're hundreds of feet above the GROUND!". The jumper responds by slurring, "Well, I don't get it either. I slam a shot of tequila and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch." He takes a shot, slams it down, goes to the window and jumps out. The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls until right before the ground, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the guy walks back into the bar. The other guy has to try it too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He drinks it and goes to the window and jumps. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn't slow down at all...SPLAT! The first guy orders another shot of tequila and the bartender says to him, "You know SUPERMAN, your not very nice when you're drunk."

That's all for now.

 

[jiveman]

“Quitting smoking is easy, I've done it hundreds of times.” - mark twain

 

[spacekitty]

A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, 'You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking.'

The cat thought for a minute and then said, 'All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on.'

God said, 'Say no more.' Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.

A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat.

The mice said, 'Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again.'

God answered, 'It is done.' All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.

About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, 'Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?'

The cat replied, 'Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!'

 

[Superbals]

Did you hear about the baby seal that walked into a club??



Oh he got hammered

 

[Mathew R Taylor]

Two pieces of string walk into a bar and the bartender looks at them suspiciously. He says "Sorry, boys, we don't serve your kind here." Dejectedly, the pieces of string walk out again.

They're sitting in the gutter outside and feeling really thirsty when one piece of string says "Hey! I've got an idea to get me into the bar." They go to the local joke shop, and buy a pair of groucho glasses, a couple of fedoras, and the classic trenchcoat.

They saunter back into the bar, and in a deep voice ask the bartender for a whisky each. The bartender looks at them oddly, and say "say ain't you them strings I done just booted out?" After reluctantly agreeing, they forlornly walk out of the bar.

Now the second string used to be in sales, and he learned persistence really is the key to life. So he starts twisting and turning, wriggling this way and that, pulling out a few threads here and there. His mate's looking at him and thinks he's gone completely nuts.Then the piece of string walks back into the bar. The bartender looks at him a little suspiciously again and says "Here, you're not a bit of string, are you?"





Wait for it.......








The piece of string replies "No, I'm a frayed knot."

 

[brandeeashlynn]

There once was an old couple who had been married for thirty years.

Every morning the old boy would wake up and give off an enormous fart, much to his long suffering wife's annoyance.

"You'll fart your guts out one of these days," she always complained.

After a particularly bad week the wife decided to have her revenge and got up early, placing some turkey giblets in the bed next to the old boy's .....

While making breakfast downstairs she heard his usual morning fart reverberate through the floorboards followed by a scream.

Twenty minutes later a rather shaken man came downstairs.

"You was right all along Missus," the old man says, "I finally did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God, and these two fingers, I managed to push 'em back in!"

 

[skydragon]

A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, 'You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking. "

The cat thought for a minute and then said, 'All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on. "

God said, 'Say no more. "Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.

A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat.

The mice said, 'Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again. "

God answered, 'It is done.' All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.

About a week later, God Decided to check on the cat and found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, 'Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy? "

The cat replied, 'Oh, it is wonderful. I have never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious! "

 

[Mathew R Taylor]

Because I haven't heard or seen a newfie joke in 5 years.... here's to ya! (insert Polack, Kentuckian, Scottsman, or other punch line group if it doesn't make sense - and no offense to any of them - I luv ya all!!)

A Ontarian, an Albertan and a Newfie purchased a ride through the Sahara as a thrill seeking experience. About 5 hours into riding the dunes, their Jeep sputters and dies. Part of the thrill was to be off the grid, so these Gentlemen were bereft modern technical devices like radios, cell phones, sat phones, GPS devices, etc. They sit for a few minutes contemplating over the map, and decide that they will walk the remaining 5 hour drive to civilization. They decide that along with their personal effects (which wasn't much) they each agree to take one thing from the Jeep in order to survive the grueling environment. The make their selections and move on foot single file into the sand.

Several hours later, the hot sun is pounding down on them, and they decide to take a break in a copse of trees. They sit down and and ask each other what they each brought.

The Ontarian exclaims that he's watched Survivorman, and he seemed to recall that having the leather from the seats could be fashioned into useful things, so he carted those with him.

The Albertan sagely nods his head and notes that unlike Survivorman, Bear Ghryls is the man, and he seemed to recall that water is a most essential item so he carted the 2 jerry cans of water.

They both look up in unison as they discover that the Newfie is not with him. They peer off into the distance and notice the Newfoundlander is dragging a largish object with him, and it's making a huge swath in the sand. As he nears the copse, the note that the Newfie has managed to rip off one of the doors from the jeep. As the Newfie slumps down thoroughly exhausted, the Ontarian and Albertan wait for him to catch his breath and ask why in the love of all things holy did he decide to take the car door. The newfie pauses a moment and says, "frigin jees guys, I watched this show on TV and they said that if you're ever too hot, all you have to do is roll down your window!!"

 

[Lazerrred]

A cowgirl, who is visiting Texas from Arkansas, walks into a bar and orders

three mugs of Bud. She sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out

of each one in turn.

When she finishes them, she comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowgirl, "You know, a mug

goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowgirl replies, "Well, you see, I have two sisters. One is in Australia, the

other is in Dublin. When we all left our home in Arkansas, we

promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when

we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my sisters and one

for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowgirl becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same

way. She orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, she comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice

and fall silent. When she comes back to the bar for the second round, the

bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to

offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowgirl looks quite puzzled for a moment, then, a light dawns in

her eyes and she laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," she explains, "It's just that my

husband and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."


"Hasn't affected my sisters though."

 

[Lazerrred]

Actual letter of resignation from an employee at Zantex Computers, USA, to her boss, who apparently resigned very soon afterwards!


Dear Mr. Baker,

As a graduate of an institution of higher education, I have a few very basic expectations. Chief among these is that my direct superiors have an intellect that ranges above the common ground squirrel. After your consistent and annoying harassment of my co-workers and me during the commission of our duties, I can only surmise that you are one of the few

true genetic wastes of our time.

Asking me, a network administrator, to explain every little nuance of everything I do each time you happen to stroll into my office is not only a waste of time, but also a waste of precious oxygen. I was hired because I know how to network computer systems, and you were apparently hired to provide amusement to myself and other employees, who watch you vainly attempt to understand the concept of "cut and paste" for the hundredth time.

You will never understand computers. Something as incredibly simple as binary still gives you too many options. You will also never understand why people hate you, but I am going to try and explain it to you, even though I am sure this will be just as effective as telling you what an IP is.

Your

shiny new iMac has more personality than you ever will. You walk around the building all day, shiftlessly looking for fault in others. You have a sharp-dressed useless look about you that may have worked for your interview, but now that you actually have responsibility, you pawn it off on overworked staff, hoping their talent will cover for your glaring ineptitude. In a world of managerial evolution, you are the blue-green algae that everyone else eats and laughs at. Managers like you are a sad proof of the Dilbert principle. Since this situation is unlikely to change without you getting a full frontal lobotomy reversal, I am forced to tender my resignation, however I have a few parting thoughts.

1. When someone calls you in reference to employment, it is illegal for you to give me a bad recommendation. The most you can say to hurt me is "I

prefer not to comment." I will have friends randomly call you over the

next couple of years to keep you honest, because I know you would be

unable to do it on your own.

2. I have all the passwords to every account on the system, and I know every password you have used for the last five years. If you decide to get cute, I am going to publish your "favorites list", which I conveniently saved when you made me "back up" your useless files. I do believe that terms like "Lolita"are not usually viewed favorably by the administration.

3. When you borrowed the digital camera to "take pictures of your Mother's birthday," you neglected to mention that you were going to take pictures of yourself in the mirror nude. Then you forgot to erase them like the techno-..... you really are. Suffice it to say I have never seen such odd acts with a sauce bottle, but I assure you that those have been copied and kept in safe places pending the authoring of a glowing letter of recommendation. (Try to use a spell check please; I hate having to correct your mistakes.) Thank you for your time, and I expect the letter of recommendation on my desk by 8:00 am tomorrow. One word of this to anybody, and all of your little twisted repugnant obsessions will be open to the public. Never screw with your systems administrator. Why? Because they know what you do with all that free time!

Wishing you a grand and glorious day,

Cecelia

 

[Lazerrred]

The Center for Disease Control has released a list of symptoms of bird flu. If you experience any of the following, please seek medical treatment immediately:
1. High fever
2. Congestion
3. Nausea
4. Fatigue
5. Aching in the joints
6. An irresistible urge to crap on someone's windshield

 

[Lazerrred]

In a classroom of third graders, the teacher says to the kids, "Today,
class, we will be telling stories that have a moral to them."



She explained what a moral to a story was and asked for volunteers.



Little Suzie raises her hand.



Suzie: "I live on a farm and we have a chicken that laid 12 eggs, we were
excited to have 12 more chickens but only 6 of them hatched."



Teacher: "That's a good story, now what is the moral?"



Suzie: "Don't count your chickens before they are hatched."



Teacher: "Very good Suzie, anyone else?"



Ralphie: "Yes teacher, I was carrying some eggs I bought for my mom in my
bicycle basket one day and I crashed my bike and all the eggs broke."



Teacher: "That's a nice story, what is the moral?"



Ralphie: "Don't put all your eggs in one basket."



Teacher: "Very good Ralphie, anyone else?"



Little Johnny: "Yes teacher, my Aunt Karen is in the army and when she was
in the Gulf War, she parachuted down with only a gun, 20 bullets, a knife,
and a six-pack of beer. On her way down, she drank the six pack. When she
landed, she shot 20 Iraqis and killed ten of them with her knife."



Teacher: "Very interesting, Johnny, what is the moral to your story?"



Little Johnny: "Don't **** mess with Aunt Karen when she's drunk."

 

[The Rebel]

Tiger is a bit rusty, and figures he needs to practice a bit. He manages to sneak in a round of Golf jus before closing. As he's heading back he runs into Stevie Wonder coming out of the clubhouse, and says "Excuse me."

"Hey, aren't you Tiger Woods?" Stevie says.

"Why yes, yes I am."

"I thought I recognized your voice. We should play some golf someday."

Tiger tries hard not to laugh, knowing that Stevie can only hear him, but finally has to ask.

"How in the world do you play Golf?"

"Oh, it's easy. I just tee up, then I have my caddy walk to where hole is and clap. Then, once I've hit the ball, he moves to the ball and whistles. I then walk to where he whistles, and he goes back to the hole. He even whistles a low note for a wood, a high note for the putter. Given my hearing, It works really well."

"Sure, that sounds um, like it might work."

Stevie frowns a bit. It's obvious Tiger isn't taking him seriously.

"Tell you what, if we play, I'll put a few dollars down on the game."

"I don't know, I am Tiger Woods after all. You sure you want to lose that money?"

"Well how about a million dollars?" Stevie asks.

Tiger looks astounded. The man is serious.

"Ok, sure. A million dollars on whoever wins. When do you want to play?"

"Any night this week."

 

[The Rebel]

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.

Every word out of the bird's' mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled
back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more
rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him
in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and
screamed.


Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and
said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.
I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in
his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, "May I ask what the turkey
did?"

 

[The Rebel]

And my last one....

This farmer has about 500 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that he would sell. The other farmer says, "Yep, I've got this great rooster, named Kenny. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem."

Well, Kenny the rooster costs $3,000, a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Kenny. The farmer takes Kenny home and sets him down in the barnyard, but first he gave the rooster a pep talk. "I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job.! So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said, with a chuckle.!

Kenny seems to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house and Kenny takes off like a shot. WHAM! Kenny nails every hen in the hen house - three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked.

After that, the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen and, sure enough, Kenny is in there. Later, the farmer sees Kenny after a flock of geese down by the lake. Once again - WHAM! He gets all the geese. By sunset he sees Kenny out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants.

The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and all night long he hears Kenny out there nailing everything in the barn and then some. He wakes up late the next morning and doesn't hear anything at all. Worried he runs out only to find Kenny on his back out in the middle of the yard, mouth open, tongue hanging out and both feet sticking straight up in the air. Buzzards are circling overhead.

The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Kenny, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."

Kenny opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, "Shhhh .. they're getting closer."

 

[RippleInStillWater]

The Dcotors at the hospital decided to go on strike. The Hospital officials have said they will start reviewing their demands as soon as they can get a pharmacist over there to read the picket signs!

 

[Buckeye Gal]

"May I ask what the turkey did?"

Rebel, I love this!!

 

[Metadeath]

A man walks into a bar.....ouch

 

[Metadeath]

How was Colonel Sanders a typical male?
All he cared about were legs, breasts, and thighs.