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A Priest, a Rabbi and a Buddhist Monk walk into a bar...and the construction foreman walked over and politely asked them "did you guys not notice the warning sign?"
HOW TO START EACH DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK
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1. Open new file on your computer
2. Name it Barrack Obama
3. Send it to the Recycle Bin
4. Empty the Recycle Bin
5. Your PC will ask Do you really want to get rid of Barrack Obama.
6. Firmly click yes
7. Feel better?
GOOD - Tomorrow well do Nancy Pelosi & the day after, Harry Reid
.
1. Open new file on your computer
2. Name it Barrack Obama
3. Send it to the Recycle Bin
4. Empty the Recycle Bin
5. Your PC will ask Do you really want to get rid of Barrack Obama.
6. Firmly click yes
7. Feel better?
GOOD - Tomorrow well do Nancy Pelosi & the day after, Harry Reid
Jimmy knocks on his neighbour's front door and the mother answers.
Jimmy: "Mrs Smith, can Johnny come out and play?"
Mother: "C'mon now Jimmy, you know little Johnny has leprosy and can't leave the house"
Jimmy: "Well, can I come in and watch him rot?"
Jimmy: "Mrs Smith, can Johnny come out and play?"
Mother: "C'mon now Jimmy, you know little Johnny has leprosy and can't leave the house"
Jimmy: "Well, can I come in and watch him rot?"
The only cow in a small town in Scotland stopped giving milk. The town folk found they could buy a cow in Wales quite cheaply.
They brought the cow from Wales and it was wonderful, produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy. They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.
They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he was never able to do the deed.
The people were very upset and decided to visit the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice. "Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward" they said "When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts from the one side, she walks away to the other side".
The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Wales ?" The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Wales .
"You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Wales ?"
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye,
"My wife is from Wales"
They brought the cow from Wales and it was wonderful, produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy. They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.
They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he was never able to do the deed.
The people were very upset and decided to visit the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice. "Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward" they said "When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts from the one side, she walks away to the other side".
The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Wales ?" The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Wales .
"You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Wales ?"
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye,
"My wife is from Wales"
Ole's car was hit by a truck in an accident. In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Ole.
'Didn't you say, sir, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine, ?' asked the lawyer.
Ole responded, 'Vell, I'll tell you vat happened. I had yust loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into da.....'
'I didn't ask for any details', the lawyer interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the
accident, 'I'm fine'?
Ole said, 'Vell, I had yust got Bessie into da trailer and I vas driving down da road... ..
The lawyer interrupted again and said, 'Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident,
this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is
trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Ole's answer and said to the lawyer, 'I'd like to hear what he has to
say about his favorite mule, Bessie'.
Ole thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Vell, as I vas saying, I had yust loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into da
trailer and vas driving her down da highvay ven dis huge semi-truck and trailer ran da stop sign and smacked my
truck right in da side. I vas trown into one ditch and Bessie vas trown into da other. I vas hurting real bad and
didn't vant to move. However, I could hear Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape yust by
her groans'. 'Shortly after da accident da Highway Patrolman, he came to da scene.. He could hear Bessie moaning
and groaning so he vent over to her'..
'After he looked at her and saw her condition he took out his gun and shot her right 'tween da eyes.
Den da Patrolman, he came across da road, gun still smoking, looked at me and said, 'How are you feeling?'
'Now vat da hell vould YOU say?
'Didn't you say, sir, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine, ?' asked the lawyer.
Ole responded, 'Vell, I'll tell you vat happened. I had yust loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into da.....'
'I didn't ask for any details', the lawyer interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the
accident, 'I'm fine'?
Ole said, 'Vell, I had yust got Bessie into da trailer and I vas driving down da road... ..
The lawyer interrupted again and said, 'Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident,
this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is
trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Ole's answer and said to the lawyer, 'I'd like to hear what he has to
say about his favorite mule, Bessie'.
Ole thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Vell, as I vas saying, I had yust loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into da
trailer and vas driving her down da highvay ven dis huge semi-truck and trailer ran da stop sign and smacked my
truck right in da side. I vas trown into one ditch and Bessie vas trown into da other. I vas hurting real bad and
didn't vant to move. However, I could hear Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape yust by
her groans'. 'Shortly after da accident da Highway Patrolman, he came to da scene.. He could hear Bessie moaning
and groaning so he vent over to her'..
'After he looked at her and saw her condition he took out his gun and shot her right 'tween da eyes.
Den da Patrolman, he came across da road, gun still smoking, looked at me and said, 'How are you feeling?'
'Now vat da hell vould YOU say?
This farmer has a cross-eyed cow that keeps bumping into things. He calls the vet to try and remedy the problem. The vet says. "I think the best thing is to stick a pipe up his ... and blow real hard and the cow's eyes will straighten out."
The veterinarian -- a seventy-year-old man -- inserts the pipe and blows. The cows eyes begin to straighten, but the vet soon loses his breath and the cows eyes are crossed again.
The vet gives it another try, but loses his breath again. The vet looks at the farmer, a young healthy man, and says, "You look like a strong man, why don't you give it a try."
The farmer agrees. He then takes the pipe out of the cow's ..., turns it around, and sticks it back in. He then begins to blow. "Holy smokes!" says the vet. "What in the hell didja do that for?"
The farmer replies, "You don't think I'm gonna put my mouth on the same end of the pipe that you had YOUR mouth on, do ya?"
The veterinarian -- a seventy-year-old man -- inserts the pipe and blows. The cows eyes begin to straighten, but the vet soon loses his breath and the cows eyes are crossed again.
The vet gives it another try, but loses his breath again. The vet looks at the farmer, a young healthy man, and says, "You look like a strong man, why don't you give it a try."
The farmer agrees. He then takes the pipe out of the cow's ..., turns it around, and sticks it back in. He then begins to blow. "Holy smokes!" says the vet. "What in the hell didja do that for?"
The farmer replies, "You don't think I'm gonna put my mouth on the same end of the pipe that you had YOUR mouth on, do ya?"
Two neighbors commuted to work together every day. One evening as they walked home from the subway station, they saw two dogs f'ing like crazy on a lawn.
"Damn!" said Joe. "I sure wish I could get Joyce to do it doggy style! You ever get Sally to do it that way?" he asked his friend Stan.
"Oh, sure," Stan replied. "It's not so tough. You just gotta give her a couple stiff drinks and her inhibitions disappear."
"Great!" says Joe. "I'll give it a try tonight!"
The next morning as they walked to the subway station, Stan asks Joe if he was successful getting Joyce to do it doggy style. "Yep," replied Joe, "but it took TWELVE stiff drinks!"
"TWELVE DRINKS!" exclaimed Stan. "Wow!!! Why so many?"
"Well," said Joe, "it took two to talk her into the position, but another ten to get her out on the front lawn."
"Damn!" said Joe. "I sure wish I could get Joyce to do it doggy style! You ever get Sally to do it that way?" he asked his friend Stan.
"Oh, sure," Stan replied. "It's not so tough. You just gotta give her a couple stiff drinks and her inhibitions disappear."
"Great!" says Joe. "I'll give it a try tonight!"
The next morning as they walked to the subway station, Stan asks Joe if he was successful getting Joyce to do it doggy style. "Yep," replied Joe, "but it took TWELVE stiff drinks!"
"TWELVE DRINKS!" exclaimed Stan. "Wow!!! Why so many?"
"Well," said Joe, "it took two to talk her into the position, but another ten to get her out on the front lawn."
A man walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink. He pulls out a velvet sack and takes a hamster out of the sack, placing it on the bar. The little hamster runs around a bit until the man produces a miniature piano and piano stool from the sack, and puts them on the bar. The hamster runs over, sits down on the stool, and to the absolute wonder of all the people at the bar, begins to play the piano like a master.
The little hamster has done four or five numbers and in launching into "The Entertainer" when the man reaches into the sack again and pulls out a bullfrog. He sits the bullfrog down on the bar next to the piano-playing hamster. Immediately the bullfrog, with the hamster accompanying him, sings a rendition of "Danny Boy" that brings tears to the eyes of all assembled. A hundred people are watching. It's the most amazing thing anyone has ever seen.
As "Danny Boy" ends, through the thunderous applause, a bystander leans over and says, "Excuse me, are these animals for sale?"
"Well," says the guy with the animals, "I'm really attached to the hamster. but I might sell the bullfrog."
"I'll give you five hundred dollars for the frog," says the other man.
"Sold!" says the animal guy, and he hands over the frog and takes his $500. Then he starts to pack up the hamster and the piano in his sack.
The bartender leans over and says, "Look, buddy, it's really none of my business, but just five hundred bucks for a singing frog? It's the most amazing thing in the history of the world and you didn't even get enough for a good suit. Are you crazy? You got totally ripped off!"
The guy says, "No, I didn't. The hamster's a ventriloquist."
The little hamster has done four or five numbers and in launching into "The Entertainer" when the man reaches into the sack again and pulls out a bullfrog. He sits the bullfrog down on the bar next to the piano-playing hamster. Immediately the bullfrog, with the hamster accompanying him, sings a rendition of "Danny Boy" that brings tears to the eyes of all assembled. A hundred people are watching. It's the most amazing thing anyone has ever seen.
As "Danny Boy" ends, through the thunderous applause, a bystander leans over and says, "Excuse me, are these animals for sale?"
"Well," says the guy with the animals, "I'm really attached to the hamster. but I might sell the bullfrog."
"I'll give you five hundred dollars for the frog," says the other man.
"Sold!" says the animal guy, and he hands over the frog and takes his $500. Then he starts to pack up the hamster and the piano in his sack.
The bartender leans over and says, "Look, buddy, it's really none of my business, but just five hundred bucks for a singing frog? It's the most amazing thing in the history of the world and you didn't even get enough for a good suit. Are you crazy? You got totally ripped off!"
The guy says, "No, I didn't. The hamster's a ventriloquist."
Q: What do you get when you cross a draft dodger with a lesbian?
A: Chelsea Clinton
A: Chelsea Clinton
A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a large amount of whisky at a local pub. He felt quite sleepy and decided to nap against a tree.
As he slept, two female tourists heard his loud snoring. When they found him, one said, "I've always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt."
She boldly walked over to the sleeper, raised his kilt, and saw that he wore nothing at all. Her friend said, "Well, the mystery is solved! Let's thank him for sharing!"
She took off her pretty blue hair ribbon and gently tied it around the Scotsman's endowment. A while later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature. He raised his kilt and was bewildered at the sight of the neatly tied blue ribbon. He stared for a minute, then said, "I don't know where y'been laddie... but it's nice ta see you won firrrst prrrize!"
As he slept, two female tourists heard his loud snoring. When they found him, one said, "I've always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt."
She boldly walked over to the sleeper, raised his kilt, and saw that he wore nothing at all. Her friend said, "Well, the mystery is solved! Let's thank him for sharing!"
She took off her pretty blue hair ribbon and gently tied it around the Scotsman's endowment. A while later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature. He raised his kilt and was bewildered at the sight of the neatly tied blue ribbon. He stared for a minute, then said, "I don't know where y'been laddie... but it's nice ta see you won firrrst prrrize!"
Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When little Logan received his plate, he started eating right away.
"Logan, wait until we say our prayer," his mother reminded him.
"I don't have to," the little boy replied.
"Of course you do," his mother insisted, "we say a prayer before eating at our house."
"That's at our house," Logan explained, "but this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook."
"Logan, wait until we say our prayer," his mother reminded him.
"I don't have to," the little boy replied.
"Of course you do," his mother insisted, "we say a prayer before eating at our house."
"That's at our house," Logan explained, "but this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook."
Chuck Norris' sperm is so badass, he once had sex with Nichole Kidman and 4 months later she gave birth to a Ford Excursion.
One of the pups in a breeder's litter of collies had a strange appetite. The odd youngster spurned regular dog food, no meaty tid-bits could tempt him and he hated dog biscuits. just in time to save the little dog's life, the owner found he would eat nothing but cantelopes. He doted on them. His brother pups could not understand this and they teased him unmercifully. He became the .... of their pranks until his tail would droop and he would whimper and shiver in a corner. His mother, trying to comfort him, called him to her. She said, "Come to me, my melon collie baby."
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