Honestly... show her this thread. She probably doesn't realize the impact her comment had.
Has anyone experienced this????
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I know it ain't right, but I told her : OK I'll give it up and go back to analogs... that made her quiet very quickly
I'm officially bumping my own thread in order to update! *Hoping that's not uncouth*...
So... I can't believe it's only been a month since this thread was relegated to the dustbin of older and (mostly) forgotten conversations here on ECF. It feels like a year! So much has happened.
In the ensuing weeks since the last post things have gone from bad to worse, culminating in the events of last night.
I'll start this story last Friday. I set up a "date night" with my wife. I got my step-mother to watch the kids overnight so I could take my wife out. It was her birthday last week and we very rarely get any time without the kids. This is only the second time this year we have been able to go out sans kids, and that's two more than last year! So we drop off the kids and head to the launch of a local shop where my wife has product on consignment. As we approach she told me to stop using my Vamo, that she "doesn't want to have to answer any questions about it." She was very clearly not wanting these folks to see me vaping, as it is apparently very embarrassing for her.
So, I put it away. No harm, really... but it bothered me.
So we do this little party thing and get back in the car to go to dinner. She sensed that I was upset and asked what was wrong. I simply told her that I don't think she should be embarrassed by my vaping, that any questions that have ever come up with regards to this funny looking device are easy to answer and have been met 100% of the time with a positive response. She replied that it brings up bad memories. Now, here is where I have to give full disclosure. I am in recovery, been clean and sober for 9 years, but I was in bad shape prior to that, and my wife bore witness to all of it and stuck by me through all of it. I put her through Hell. She claims that the reason she "hates" my vaping is that it reminds her of those times. I can understand it, too, because some aspects are similar. The enthusiasm with which I've dove into the world of vaping, the preparation... there are certainly some similarities.
So I told her that I understood, and that it is OK if she doesn't like it. Of course, being who she is, that is never going to be good enough. She stated that the vape in the car was bothering her, so I stopped vaping in the car. All good, no biggie. Anyway... the night went on after this, and we had a decent time, but there was a tension in the air. It was as if she had finally staked her claim on her position. That she hates it, it's awful, and from then on it would be a problem. It's like we picked our corners and now the fight was on. That was the feeling.
Fast forward through the weekend... Comments made, like "You know you're obsessed, right?" Little things here and there, designed to get under my skin.
Come to yesterday... Last night she arrived home from an appointment in a bad mood and after a while wanted to talk about the vaping issue. I said my piece, she said her piece. I was content to let things remain as they are. I don't always like what she does, and she won't always like what I do, but we soldier on. We should be accepting of each other, faults and positive qualities alike. She compared her reaction to my vaping, and the flood of awful memories she is associating with it, to a sort of PTSD-type of thing. Now, I'm not insensitive to that, and while I find it to be a bit extreme, I can understand why she feels that way. She obviously expected some type of reaction that I didn't provide, and was obviously not satisfied with what I thought was the result of the conversation. I was content with us just staying in our own corners on this issue, but that will prove to be naive, I think.
In the end of the day, I explained how positive I think vaping is for me, and how I don't think it's a harmful activity, and how I just plain enjoy it. After 22 years of analogs, I'm really enjoying this vaping thing. She just doesn't care about any of that. She will keep stewing in her hatred of this activity... until I give it up. That's the only logical conclusion to this. She will allow it to keep this dark cloud over our relationship until I let go of it, to please her. It's the way it always works... and then she'll find something else to be upset about.
I'm just updating here, and getting stuff off of my chest. Please don't tell me I should leave her. I'm not ending an almost 20 year relationship with the mother of my kids over this. I'll give it up first. I just wish she was a bit more accepting and it didn't have to come to that. Well... I'll enjoy it until D-Day!
So... I can't believe it's only been a month since this thread was relegated to the dustbin of older and (mostly) forgotten conversations here on ECF. It feels like a year! So much has happened.
In the ensuing weeks since the last post things have gone from bad to worse, culminating in the events of last night.
I'll start this story last Friday. I set up a "date night" with my wife. I got my step-mother to watch the kids overnight so I could take my wife out. It was her birthday last week and we very rarely get any time without the kids. This is only the second time this year we have been able to go out sans kids, and that's two more than last year! So we drop off the kids and head to the launch of a local shop where my wife has product on consignment. As we approach she told me to stop using my Vamo, that she "doesn't want to have to answer any questions about it." She was very clearly not wanting these folks to see me vaping, as it is apparently very embarrassing for her.
So, I put it away. No harm, really... but it bothered me.
So we do this little party thing and get back in the car to go to dinner. She sensed that I was upset and asked what was wrong. I simply told her that I don't think she should be embarrassed by my vaping, that any questions that have ever come up with regards to this funny looking device are easy to answer and have been met 100% of the time with a positive response. She replied that it brings up bad memories. Now, here is where I have to give full disclosure. I am in recovery, been clean and sober for 9 years, but I was in bad shape prior to that, and my wife bore witness to all of it and stuck by me through all of it. I put her through Hell. She claims that the reason she "hates" my vaping is that it reminds her of those times. I can understand it, too, because some aspects are similar. The enthusiasm with which I've dove into the world of vaping, the preparation... there are certainly some similarities.
So I told her that I understood, and that it is OK if she doesn't like it. Of course, being who she is, that is never going to be good enough. She stated that the vape in the car was bothering her, so I stopped vaping in the car. All good, no biggie. Anyway... the night went on after this, and we had a decent time, but there was a tension in the air. It was as if she had finally staked her claim on her position. That she hates it, it's awful, and from then on it would be a problem. It's like we picked our corners and now the fight was on. That was the feeling.
Fast forward through the weekend... Comments made, like "You know you're obsessed, right?" Little things here and there, designed to get under my skin.
Come to yesterday... Last night she arrived home from an appointment in a bad mood and after a while wanted to talk about the vaping issue. I said my piece, she said her piece. I was content to let things remain as they are. I don't always like what she does, and she won't always like what I do, but we soldier on. We should be accepting of each other, faults and positive qualities alike. She compared her reaction to my vaping, and the flood of awful memories she is associating with it, to a sort of PTSD-type of thing. Now, I'm not insensitive to that, and while I find it to be a bit extreme, I can understand why she feels that way. She obviously expected some type of reaction that I didn't provide, and was obviously not satisfied with what I thought was the result of the conversation. I was content with us just staying in our own corners on this issue, but that will prove to be naive, I think.
In the end of the day, I explained how positive I think vaping is for me, and how I don't think it's a harmful activity, and how I just plain enjoy it. After 22 years of analogs, I'm really enjoying this vaping thing. She just doesn't care about any of that. She will keep stewing in her hatred of this activity... until I give it up. That's the only logical conclusion to this. She will allow it to keep this dark cloud over our relationship until I let go of it, to please her. It's the way it always works... and then she'll find something else to be upset about.
I'm just updating here, and getting stuff off of my chest. Please don't tell me I should leave her. I'm not ending an almost 20 year relationship with the mother of my kids over this. I'll give it up first. I just wish she was a bit more accepting and it didn't have to come to that. Well... I'll enjoy it until D-Day!
Well, sometimes you just have to agree to disagree with your spouse
That's very true... but hard to do when your spouse won't accept that, when she will allow her dislike of my vaping to hover like a dark cloud and get worse and worse until I eventually give in, as I always do, because I hate the tension. She knows this and uses it against me. I suppose if I'm ever going to change that dynamic I'm going to have to stand firm... Thanks for your comment
Personally, I think her concerns are coming from not being knowledgeable with ecigs. Maybe talking to her about the benefits of it and comparing them to analogs may help her see them in a different light. As far as your kids go, although I am not a parent, I know we all would like to not see our children pick up our bad habits, but statistically, it has been shown that children of smokers sometimes become smokers themselves. I thought I was going to kill my family, especially my dad and grandparents (non-smokers), when they found out that I smoked. When I switched to vaping, about a month ago, they at first had that very same concern and so I did my own research to answer any concerns and had a conversation with them and they even did their own research. Since then they are all very supportive and happy that I choose a better alternative to smoking. They also like that you can slowly get yourself off the nicotine, but they have said even if I don't they are still happier that it is less harmful chemicals.
That is my story. I would talk to your wife and answer her questions. Maybe do the research together to show her that you do care about her concerns and you want to make sure she understands.
That is my story. I would talk to your wife and answer her questions. Maybe do the research together to show her that you do care about her concerns and you want to make sure she understands.
Your wife being skeptical about e-cigs is better than you going back to analogs
As previously suggested.... I think the best thing for you to do is include your wife in your researching. Look around the forum here and there is a wealth of information considering health issue, improved budget, and many research studies that point the clear finger at analogs vs. e-cig.
Vaping around the kids... well that is an opinionated issue that is probably a brain teaser more than anything and many don't like the idea. That is really something that you will have to consider for yourself but I would also like to encourage you to educate your kids about the dangers of not only nicotine but cigarettes, too. I know you do and we all know that parenting your kids doesn't always mean it stop them from doing... most of us are perfect examples of this but that is just general advise I always pass on with issues like this one!!!
Vaping around the kids... well that is an opinionated issue that is probably a brain teaser more than anything and many don't like the idea. That is really something that you will have to consider for yourself but I would also like to encourage you to educate your kids about the dangers of not only nicotine but cigarettes, too. I know you do and we all know that parenting your kids doesn't always mean it stop them from doing... most of us are perfect examples of this but that is just general advise I always pass on with issues like this one!!!
@mjrhartley, I really do feel your pain. Nothing is ever enough. You, or I will say we, should already know that woman are not the same as us. Our thoughts and logistics just do not make sense to them, and vice versa. When you do something that you DEFINITELY think will make them happy, it doesn't happen. It's quite obvious, smoking vs. vaping, anyone would pick vaping. Ask her to choose which one to do, I am pretty sure she will say vaping. Then let it go. If she wants to be mad at you for vaping, those are her thoughts and her feelings, you are doing the right thing, anyone in the world will tell you that. Besides that, it's not a easy thing to do. It's your health, do what is right. Keep it away from her and the kids, then there should not be any problems. Remember, men are from mars and woman -------
One thing I've learned about marriage is it's all about communication. I would encourage both of you to read the research that's been done together. I know you say she won't so do it together. Tell her that this is important to you and it would make a difference if she made an effort, as well.
I would also tell her how you're feeling, that you thought she would be thrilled and call the Navy band and release doves in your honor and put up a sign on your lawn, etc, etc. Instead of letting it be something that comes between you, I would be honest. Of course, as a woman I know that agreeing with her wouldn't hurt either! So, I would say, "You're right. We really don't know the side effects of the e-cigarette but I do know that there are fewer chemicals in it, there's no smell, and I'm honestly trying to do the right thing for me and for you." I would also show her what it is, how it works, take her down to your local vape shop and let her ask the questions.
As for the kids, come up with a compromise. Maybe all of you sit down together and explain it to everyone. Start by saying something like, "I'm trying to quit smoking and lots of people try to quit in lots of different ways. This is the way I'm trying to quit."
I would also tell her how you're feeling, that you thought she would be thrilled and call the Navy band and release doves in your honor and put up a sign on your lawn, etc, etc. Instead of letting it be something that comes between you, I would be honest. Of course, as a woman I know that agreeing with her wouldn't hurt either! So, I would say, "You're right. We really don't know the side effects of the e-cigarette but I do know that there are fewer chemicals in it, there's no smell, and I'm honestly trying to do the right thing for me and for you." I would also show her what it is, how it works, take her down to your local vape shop and let her ask the questions.
As for the kids, come up with a compromise. Maybe all of you sit down together and explain it to everyone. Start by saying something like, "I'm trying to quit smoking and lots of people try to quit in lots of different ways. This is the way I'm trying to quit."
Just be patient... This is something that will take some time for both of you to work through, Don't let arguments or outright disagreements veer you from your decision to Vape. Vaping is a good thing and a good decision you have made to help you dig yourself out of the grave,,, Just Remember that!!! On the same note, Also remember that your wife is only looking after your best interest .. as well, as the interest of your kids. She does have a point and one with an easy remedy for everyone!!! As long as you keep her involved and focus on the benefits of vaping, maybe abide her request to be mindful around the kids.... She will lighten up and come around to the idea that supporting your decision to do something for the improvement of your health ( Kids too- No analogs and they don't inhale the 5000+ proponents of chemical toxins in analogs) is a positive outlook!!
Well, I reread your updated post and now I'm rethinking my response to you.
This is going to come off as harsh and I don't mean it to but I think this goes way beyond vaping. There are obviously a lot of unresolved issues with stuff that happened previously and I think it might be a good idea if you two saw a counselor.
It also seems to me that you do a lot of putting up and shutting up in order to keep the peace. There's no compromise going on here. You willingly admit that you have screwed up in the past but, since the two of you are still together and both of you CHOSE to stay together, I wonder just how long your past is going to continue to haunt your present. I understand her hesitancy and I can see how vaping can resemble another addiction with all of the related paraphernalia, but yet she seems either unwilling or unable to discuss your new habit (I refrain from saying "addiction" here). To me, this inability to discuss your vaping and her anger towards you speaks of a larger issue in your relationship.
Giving up vaping or smoking or drinking or any other addictive habit for someone else doesn't work and, in the end, will just make things worse. You're plugging a pinhole leak and meanwhile, the whole dam is collapsing.
This is going to come off as harsh and I don't mean it to but I think this goes way beyond vaping. There are obviously a lot of unresolved issues with stuff that happened previously and I think it might be a good idea if you two saw a counselor.
It also seems to me that you do a lot of putting up and shutting up in order to keep the peace. There's no compromise going on here. You willingly admit that you have screwed up in the past but, since the two of you are still together and both of you CHOSE to stay together, I wonder just how long your past is going to continue to haunt your present. I understand her hesitancy and I can see how vaping can resemble another addiction with all of the related paraphernalia, but yet she seems either unwilling or unable to discuss your new habit (I refrain from saying "addiction" here). To me, this inability to discuss your vaping and her anger towards you speaks of a larger issue in your relationship.
Giving up vaping or smoking or drinking or any other addictive habit for someone else doesn't work and, in the end, will just make things worse. You're plugging a pinhole leak and meanwhile, the whole dam is collapsing.
Sadly... we're just way past this stage. I've educated myself thoroughly, and attempted to impart this knowledge to her. She's just not receptive. She has made up her mind that ecigs are bad, and there's just no changing that. A lot of it has to do with the bringing up of bad memories piece of it. I just can't change that. Thanks for your words.
I really have done all of this, we're well past this stage. I have educated myself, I have attempted to educate her. I've been around this forum for a couple of months now... She has chosen her stance and there is no changing it. Taking that route would be futile. As for the kids, and to each his own when it comes to their children, I'd much rather them see me vaping than smoking. I don't hide it, and I don't blow it in their faces. It is what it is. My kids are happier that I quit analogs than my wife is
Thanks for your response!
Ok... My response is basically: You're right. I'll take this bit by bit. We are seeing a therapist, have been for almost two years. Things get better, and they get worse, it's an ebb and flow. I do sacrifice my happiness for the sake of peace, I always have. It may not be the best thing, but it is what it is. One of the most important pieces that I've picked up in therapy has been recognizing that we don't always have to make each other happy. The only thing I'm responsible for is my behavior. My therapist is a very zen-buddha-type, and one of the more important lessons he's imparted to me is that if my wife tries to hand me a bag of "poop", metaphorically speaking, and I refuse to pick it up, then it will remain hers and not mine. I hope you understand my point. I don't have to react to her being upset, I don't have to fix it. I can acknowledge it as legitimate, but I don't have to hold it. That's hers to hold if she chooses. This is something I'm working on because I'm a peacemaker, it's ingrained in my psyche. I suffered abuse as a child, and as such do not handle tension and conflict well, so I often sacrifice in order to create the momentary security of "peace"... but it's always fleeting. We certainly have a lot of work to do, and in the end of the day I don't know if it will work out or not, but I'm still trying, and she's still trying. That's about all we can do.
Your comment was tremendously insightful and spot on... Thanks!
Lol my friend did the same thing, and of course I did get the well when are u gonna eventualy give that up.
My reply, first things first. Others have quit using this method by reducing their nicotine levels.
Right now I am working on not smoking the real thing.
Vape proudly bud; and don't worry about not vaipng until u are ready to.
Wait til after a while when you have more energy for honey do-s and your libido increases
and finally you can go to sleep with a big ole poop eatin grin saying a loud. Wow u know dear,
I have noticed some overall improvements since I quit smoking.....
Hello, been wondering how you have been... uggg your update is upsetting to say the least. Why must we play these games? And when I say WE, I mean her but man kind in general. What a waste. Sigh. Hang in there kido and Happy Fathers day! Hope it's a good one for you. you deserve it.
I would suggest Nicotine patches and a flavored 0% Nic Vape to kick the habit. Only due to fact that patch dosage is highly controlled and researched. Nic levels in juices seems to be a little arbitrary due to quality control from some vendors.
Check your pulse rate and pressure..Dyi with extreme caution. Nicotine in to high doses is not good as for anything else.
Check your pulse rate and pressure..Dyi with extreme caution. Nicotine in to high doses is not good as for anything else.
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I thought I would chime in a little more here. I actually stopped smoking for the first time for 2 years using a drug from Phizer.
Yep it did work, Until I required a medical operation and the anxiety surrounding that and the fear of not being in control ,trusting anesthetics got me smoking again. My partner witnessed all of this and told me today she was so angry at me and my relapse back to logs/nicotine. But here I am today Vaping my /nic dose and she as always is supportive, she has never smoked,her parents did and she hated it. I can now sit next to her on the couch and have a puff/vape.
An it's all good even in the car, what more can i say Quit smoking logs.. They love you not your habits,
Harm yourself and others less if at all... explore the all options and just do it.
Yep it did work, Until I required a medical operation and the anxiety surrounding that and the fear of not being in control ,trusting anesthetics got me smoking again. My partner witnessed all of this and told me today she was so angry at me and my relapse back to logs/nicotine. But here I am today Vaping my /nic dose and she as always is supportive, she has never smoked,her parents did and she hated it. I can now sit next to her on the couch and have a puff/vape.
An it's all good even in the car, what more can i say Quit smoking logs.. They love you not your habits,
Harm yourself and others less if at all... explore the all options and just do it.
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