January Contest $25.00 Gift Certificate

[liblue1]

Ten Dog Rules
1. The dog is not allowed in the house.
2. Okay, the dog is allowed in the house, but only in certain rooms.
3. Okay, fine, the dog is allowed in all rooms, but has to stay off the furniture.
4. The dog can get on the old furniture only.
5. Fine, the dog is allowed on all the furniture, but is not allowed to sleep with the humans on the bed.
6. Okay, the dog is allowed on the bed, but only by invitation.
7. The dog can sleep on the bed whenever he wants, but not under the covers.
8. The dog can sleep under the covers by invitation only!
9. The dog can sleep under the covers every night.
10. Humans must ask permission to sleep under the covers with the dog.

 

[diabolique]

A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads “Talking Dog for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks in.
“So what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog.
“I’ve led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home.”
The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog’s owner, “Why on earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?”
The owner says, “Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that!”

 

[liblue1]

A woman goes to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother. The psychic's eyelids begin fluttering, her voice begins warbling, her hands float up above the table, and she begins moaning.
Eventually, a coherent voice emanates, saying, "Granddaughter? Are you there?"
The customer, wide-eyed and on the edge of her seat, responds, "Grandmother? Is that you?"
"Yes granddaughter, it's me."
"It's really, really you, grandmother?" the woman repeats.
"Yes, it's really me, granddaughter."
The woman looks puzzled, "You're sure it's you, grandmother?"
"Yes, granddaughter, I'm sure it's me."
The woman pauses a moment, "Grandmother, I have just one question for you."
"Anything, my child."
"Grandmother, You're Italian, when did you learn to speak English?"

 

[tejas]

My analyst tells me I'm unbelievably self critical.

I really hate that part of myself...

 

[diabolique]

"Mom, how come I still didn’t get my period? I mean I’m already 19 and Janet got hers when she was just 13!"

"Listen to me, Brian, you’re NOT getting a period ever!"

 

[dyanaprajna]

My step-dad told me this joke about 25 years ago.

There's a family-father, mother, son, and they go on vacation to a nudist beach. The mother lays down, and the father and son goes off. After a while, the son comes to the mom and says "mommy, mommy, there are girls here with boobies bigger than yours!"
"The bigger they are, the dumber they are."
The son accepts this, and goes off. A little while later, he comes back:
"Mommy, mommy, there are boys here with thingies bigger than daddy's!"
"The bigger they, the dumber they are", the mom responds.
The son accepts this, and runs off. After a while, the son runs back to his mom:
"Mommy, mommy, daddy is talking to the dumbest girl I've ever seen, and the more she talks, the dumber he gets!"

 

[Debadoo]

I love stupid corny jokes so here goes

What did one mushroom say to the other?

Spoiler: Answer

Imma fungi (fun guy)

 

[liblue1]

A man standing at a bus stop was eating a hamburger. Next to him stood a lady with her little dog, which became very excited at the smell of the man's supper and began whining and jumping up at him.
The man noticed this, in fact he was getting rather annoyed at the dog.
"Do you mind if I throw him a bit?" said the man to the lady.
"Not at all," she replied, whereupon the man picked the dog up and threw it over a wall.....

 

[westhc]

A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot. Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board. The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it... with the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day... and then 2 days and then 3 days. Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said... "OK, I give up. Where's the ...... ship?"

 

[liblue1]

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.
One student fell into a cycle of classes, studying, working and sleeping.
Didn't realize how long he had neglected writing home until he received the following note:
"Dear Son, Your mother and I enjoyed your last letter. Of course, we were much younger then, and more impressionable. Love, Dad."

 

[diabolique]

What is the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?
-
Snowballs.

 

[westhc]

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man pops the rat and piano back in his pockets and says I'll have a cosmopolitan. After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out the tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music. While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money. "Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."

 

[tejas]

I was sitting in a bar one day and two really large women came in, talking in an interesting accent.
So I said, “Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?”
One of them snarled at me, “It’s Wales, dumbo!”
So I corrected myself, “Oh, right, so are you two whales from Ireland?”

That’s all I remember.

 

[westhc]

A cat died and went to heaven. St. Peter said to the cat, "Is there anything I can do to make your stay here better?"
The cat said, "I've been sleeping on a cold floor and I'd love a warm pillow to sleep on.
St. Peter gave a pillow to the cat, and the cat headed off to bed.
Later, some mice came to St. Peter. They wanted roller skates to get around faster so St. Peter gave them their skates and the mice went off.
The next evening St. Peter checks in on the cat. "How was your night last night?"
The cat said "That pillow you gave me is really nice, but what I like the most about heaven is the Meals on Wheels."

 

[tejas]

Father buys a lie detector that makes a loud beep whenever somebody tells a lie.

The son comes home in the afternoon. Father asks him, “So, you were at school today, right?”
Son: “Yeah.”
Detector: “Beep.“

Son: “OK, OK, I was in a cinema.”
Detector: “Beep.”

Son: “Alright, I went for a beer with my friends.”
Father: “What?! At your age, I wouldn’t touch alcohol!“
Detector: “Beep.”

Mother laughs: “Ha ha ha, well, he really is your son!”
Detector: “Beep.”

 

[diabolique]

Tonight I dreamt of a beautiful walk on a sandy beach.

At least that explains the footprints I found in the cat litter box this morning.

 

[liblue1]

“I want to become a mime. Does that sound like a good idea?”

 

[tejas]

A couple of elephants come upon a naked man. They stare at him for a while, then one says to the other...
"I don't understand how he feeds himself with that".

 

[therussellv]

A book never written

"Yellow Shoes" by I. P. Freelie

"Spot on the Wall" by Hu Flung Dung

"Hole in the Mattress" by Mr. Completely

4yrs stinky free

 

[diabolique]

Two old men in a retirement village were sitting in the reading room and one said to the other, ‘How do you really feel? I mean, you’re 72 years old, how do you honestly feel?’
‘Honestly, I feel like a new born baby. I’ve got no hair, no teeth, and I just wet myself.’