This made me laugh out loud, sitting alone at the computer.
[FONT=lucida grande, tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif]Lastweekend I saw something at Larrys Pistol & Pawn shop thatsparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I waslooking for a little something extra for my wife, Julie. What I cameacross was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects ofthe taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverseaffect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat tosafety .??[/FONT]
[FONT=lucida grande, tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif]WAYTOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed thebutton AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; Idget the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between theprongs. AWESOME!!![/FONT]
[FONT=lucida grande, tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif]Unfortunately,I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face ofher microwave.[/FONT]
[FONT=lucida grande, tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif]Okay,so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that itcouldnt be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries,right?[/FONT]
[FONT=lucida grande, tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif]ThereI sat in my recliner, my cat, Gracie, looking on intently (trustinglittle soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that Ireally needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood movingtarget. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fractionof a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But,if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herselfagainst a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work asadvertised. Am I wrong?[/FONT]
[FONT=lucida grande, tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif]So,there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my readingglasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions inone hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-secondburst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burstwas supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodilycontrol; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailantflop on the ground like a fish out of water.[/FONT]
[FONT=lucida grande, tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif]Anyburst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. Allthe while Im looking at this little device measuring about 5′long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and(loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself,no possible way![/FONT]
[FONT=lucida grande, tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif]Whathappened next is almost beyond description, but Ill do mybest ?[/FONT]
[FONT=lucida grande, tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif]Imsitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to oneside as to say, dont do it, dip...., reasoning that a onesecond burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldnt hurt allthat bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heckof it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and. . .HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHATTHE HELL!!![/FONT]
[FONT=lucida grande, tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif]Impretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through he side door, picked me upin the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over andover and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in thefetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nippleson fire, testicles no where to be found, with my left arm tuckedunder my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?[/FONT]
[FONT=lucida grande, tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif]Thecat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to apicture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt toavoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the livingroom.[/FONT]
[FONT=lucida grande, tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif]Note:If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a taser, onenote of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst whenyou zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it isdislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. Athree second burst would be considered conservative?[/FONT]
[FONT=lucida grande, tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif]SON-OF-A-.....,THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!![/FONT]
[FONT=lucida grande, tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif]Aminute or so later (I cant be sure, as time was a relative thingat that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat upand surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on themantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh andboth nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shotup with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no controlover the drooling. Apparently I .... myself, but was too numb to knowfor sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloudabove my head which I believe came from my hair. Im still lookingfor my nuts and Im offering a significant reward for their safereturn!![/FONT]
[FONT=lucida grande, tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif]P.S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it[/FONT]
[FONT=lucida grande, tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif]Lastweekend I saw something at Larrys Pistol & Pawn shop thatsparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I waslooking for a little something extra for my wife, Julie. What I cameacross was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects ofthe taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverseaffect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat tosafety .??[/FONT]
[FONT=lucida grande, tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif]WAYTOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed thebutton AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; Idget the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between theprongs. AWESOME!!![/FONT]
[FONT=lucida grande, tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif]Unfortunately,I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face ofher microwave.[/FONT]
[FONT=lucida grande, tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif]Okay,so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that itcouldnt be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries,right?[/FONT]
[FONT=lucida grande, tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif]ThereI sat in my recliner, my cat, Gracie, looking on intently (trustinglittle soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that Ireally needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood movingtarget. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fractionof a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But,if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herselfagainst a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work asadvertised. Am I wrong?[/FONT]
[FONT=lucida grande, tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif]So,there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my readingglasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions inone hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-secondburst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burstwas supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodilycontrol; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailantflop on the ground like a fish out of water.[/FONT]
[FONT=lucida grande, tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif]Anyburst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. Allthe while Im looking at this little device measuring about 5′long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and(loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself,no possible way![/FONT]
[FONT=lucida grande, tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif]Whathappened next is almost beyond description, but Ill do mybest ?[/FONT]
[FONT=lucida grande, tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif]Imsitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to oneside as to say, dont do it, dip...., reasoning that a onesecond burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldnt hurt allthat bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heckof it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and. . .HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHATTHE HELL!!![/FONT]
[FONT=lucida grande, tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif]Impretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through he side door, picked me upin the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over andover and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in thefetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nippleson fire, testicles no where to be found, with my left arm tuckedunder my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?[/FONT]
[FONT=lucida grande, tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif]Thecat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to apicture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt toavoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the livingroom.[/FONT]
[FONT=lucida grande, tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif]Note:If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a taser, onenote of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst whenyou zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it isdislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. Athree second burst would be considered conservative?[/FONT]
[FONT=lucida grande, tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif]SON-OF-A-.....,THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!![/FONT]
[FONT=lucida grande, tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif]Aminute or so later (I cant be sure, as time was a relative thingat that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat upand surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on themantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh andboth nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shotup with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no controlover the drooling. Apparently I .... myself, but was too numb to knowfor sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloudabove my head which I believe came from my hair. Im still lookingfor my nuts and Im offering a significant reward for their safereturn!![/FONT]
[FONT=lucida grande, tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif]P.S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it[/FONT]
