OT- Joke Thread!

[plantlvr]

Got a good one from my Step-Dad, don't know if it's true or not but it's funny!

Sometimes it does take a rocket scientist!


Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch standard 4 pound dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all travelling
at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequentincidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

British engineers heard about the gun and were eagerto test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains.



Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers.


When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as
the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof
shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control
console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two, and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow.

The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the
windshield and begged the U.S. scientists for suggestions.


NASA responded with a one-line memo --

' DEFROST THE CHICKEN'!

 

[wader2k]

Hilarious!

 

[Lisa66]

plantlvr, I'll bet that's true. My brother served an engineering internship at WPAFB in Ohio during college and they used chickens for that very purpose (aircraft windshields) in their labs!

 

[dohsma]

LOL that's a good one

 

[Morandir835]

Lol Ms. Plantlvr

This is going to be hard to tell one without getting in trouble...

 

[dohsma]

Lol Ms. Plantlvr

This is going to be hard to tell one without getting in trouble...

+1

What he said

 

[been there]

It was Christmas time and a mailman was making his rounds and he came to this house and a beautiful woman came to the door and started talking to him and in the course of conversation she said to him do you want to come up to my bed room and make love to me and the mailman said of course so they went up to the bedroom and she made the most mad passionate love to him and then she said do you want some breakfast in bed and he said sure and she made him best breakfast he had ever had and then she said to him do you want 5.00 dollars and he said sure , by this time he thinking this is to strange and he ask her lady what gives you make mad passionate love to me, give me breakfast in bed and give me 5 bucks, she said I was asking my husband last night about Christmas tips and said what about the mailman and he said screw him give him 5 bucks and the breakfast was my idea .

 

[krazie_Kid]

Lol Ms. Plantlvr

This is going to be hard to tell one without getting in trouble...

+1

All my jokes are either dirty or have to do with religion or some other kinds... I will start off with a simple joke.

A blonde and a brunet are driving in a car to Disney Land, after an hour drive they pass a sign Disney Land left, so they turned around and went home.

 

[incantius]

a couple i posted a while back for a contest:

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'

So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

and THAT'S how the fight started...

A man dies and goes to Heaven. Upon arrival he sees 2 lines for the men's entrance one line is MILES long with a sign over the gate that says For men who are hen-pecked and he looks over to the other gate that says For men who are not hen-pecked & there's one guy standing there alone at the gate. Curiousity got the best of him and went to ask the guy "Why aren't you over here with the rest of us?" the guy replies "My wife told me to stand here"

 

[incantius]

couple more:

a hawk spies a field mouse running along the top of a fence, suddenly he swoops down spins and catches the mouse in his ..... the hawk climbs back into the sky at around 700 ft. the mouse pops his head out and asks "how high up are we?" the hawk says "about 700 ft." the mouse replies "you wouldn't .... me would ya?"


#2:
this happened in RL.

the lady next to me was talking to some co-workers and she said "Patrick Swayze is my MAN". i couldn't resist and said "So you're into dead guys?"

 

[waylonjessi4ever]

uh yeah noooo .....jokes around here arent fit for posting .My dad was conservative by todays standards and i wish i could post his two favs but they wouldnt translate to print and some people would either ban me or be wayyyyy offended

 

[Nana2B]

Most of my friends are as warped as I am so trying to find a semi-clean joke is tough..lol
Here's a Little Tony joke (don't ban me please)

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little TONY.
He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then little TONY says, "I have a question for YOU.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream!
Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Little TONY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on," but I like your thinking."

 

[Morandir835]

Lol Ms. Nana

 

[Lisa66]

Nana.......

.......

 

[EleanorR]

Most of my friends are as warped as I am so trying to find a semi-clean joke is tough..lol
Here's a Little Tony joke (don't ban me please)

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little TONY.
He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then little TONY says, "I have a question for YOU.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream!
Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Little TONY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on," but I like your thinking."

Oh my!!

Nana.......

.......

 

[been there]

............. .............

 

[AG51]

Now I'm hungry fer ice cream uhhh, no joke oops, sorry. Thanks alot Nana



p.s. I didn't get it

 

[Nana2B]

How Twins Are Made

 

[incantius]

How Twins Are Made

View attachment 60208

too cool lol

 

[Ethereal]

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button... Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.

The directions said that:

a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;

a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and

a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note:
If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer,
one note of caution:

There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!
A three second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.


My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.

I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!