Rough news today

[Taowulf]

Found out my 14yo son (lives 3 hours away from me) has been smoking for the last 6 months. I find this out barely a week after I quit. What prompted him to tell me? He saw the posts on my FB about quitting the analogs and going to vaping.

It's tough. I don't want him to have any addictions whatsoever.

What would you do if it was your kid? Please note, I am not saying "What will you tell me to do with MY kid?", I am curious how other people would react to this situation...or have reacted if they have already dealt with it. With all the "FOR THE CHILDREN" crap that gets spewed by people that want to ban sharp edges, underage smoking is a hot enough issue as it is. It happens. It has to be dealt with somehow. How can we expect kids to toss off a habit many of us have struggled with for decades? After all, we are the ones who are SUPPOSED to have learned self control, right?

 

[zapped]

This situation is even tougher because he doesnt live with you.Mom and her boyfriend/stepdad? might be quite a bit more lax in their parenting. For all you know, someone could be encouraging it as a way to make friends with your kid. A lot of variables here to consider.

I will say that he will have a much easier time quitting smoking at just 6 months in than someone who smoked for 20+ years.

Do you know of anyone who is on an oxygen tank that might be willing to speak to him on his next visit? Maybe seeing something like that up close will shock him and make him reconsider this.

If it were me and he was still living away from you and smoking 6 months from now I would buy him the best ecig I could afford, show him how to use it and introduce him to vaping forums. Id say a year in counts as a bona fide addiction and at that point its time to start thinking about harm reduction.

 

[Flt Simulation]

I think a 14 year old kid that has been smoking on and off for 6 months can stop smoking without the aid of vaping. I say smoking on and off since obviously he can't smoke continually in school.

The deal is ... He needs a parent/adult to straighten him out, and stop this behavior before it really does get out of control and become an unmanageable habit.

In this case, getting him into vaping is not the answer.

 

[KODIAK (TM)]

I agree with FS above. At 14, "smoking" just isn't an option. And when you explain this to him get ready for him pointing at your own behavior to justify his own.

Hell, I technically smoked too at that age if that's what you want to call it. But I quit for days on end either because I never had the opportunity to smoke or couldn't afford it. Didn't bother me a bit as I recall. I wish my folks would've stopped me after that.

 

[beckdg]

honestly; i would snap. that much i do know.

however; with my kids approaching the age of experimentation and some things i've learned through my endeavors, there is a chance i'd lean him towards a cool vaping setup.

but you know kids. everything's a competition, a fashion statement and a status symbol. it would have to be something that fits that criteria to a certain extent if he's going to stick with it and give up the stinkies.

of course, it would only be something worth considering as a last ditch effort especially if he's new to smoking and maybe not quite addicted yet.

but how cool would it be to teach your boy ohms law, how to calculate it and apply it properly and know his gear... then see him safely and proudly out cloud his buddies with the info dad taught him? i mean just for the fact of having something he can show off to his friends with that look of pride in his eyes and knowing that not only did you do that... and it's taken that way... but that you steered him away from the more harmful substance and that's a possible outcome.

it's not every day we get to have the kiddos so perceptive to something we have to say for their own good, ya know?

and i guess that's part of what kind of sways my thinking towards i would probably let my kiddo vape if need be.

 

[2naphish]

my son at 21 yrs old asked me one day if i minded if he has a cigar while we were playing disc golf. i literally dropped my jaw. he hated me smoking growing up and heard an orderly say i had very little chance of recovery when i was going into a lung surgery when he was 6. he also told me i was "jumping on a bandwagon" when i was planning to start vaping. after seeing my success and realizing this might keep his dad around a bit longer i got him to start vaping. granted he was a light smoker without a long history. he is now a dual user, about 3 analogs a day and about the equivalent in vaping. i buy all of his supplies and encourage him to exclusively vape but he claims they are 2 different things. if there is a point to this ramble i suppose it is this....all you can do is encourage and support. best of luck.. <*}}}>{

 

[Flt Simulation]

"but how cool would it be to teach your boy ohms law, how to calculate it and apply it properly and know his gear... then see him safely and proudly out cloud his buddies with the info dad taught him?"


Dumb idea .....

 

[beckdg]

"but how cool would it be to teach your boy ohms law, how to calculate it and apply it properly and know his gear... then see him safely and proudly out cloud his buddies with the info dad taught him?"


Dumb idea .....

then you can straighten him out.

good luck with that.

 

[CalamityJess]

First off, if he's willing to tell you he is probably willing to discuss it. Before you decide anything, find out how much and how often, and if he even inhales. I know I didn't get hooked until that first throat hit. I was only 2 years older when I started and within a month I was smoking pretty heavily. At 6 months it had ahold of me, quitting was painful and frustrating, and I never made it.

If he's smoking fully and regularly. Then I'd probably set him up. AFTER talking it over with the custodial parent of course. I was lucky, in that my daughter was 18 when she came to me about getting her PV. But at 14, if she'd have come to me already hooked, even if only for six months...I'd have still done it. With ground rules of course. Don't use it at school (mine's a senior, she doesn't even take it with her), on the bus etc.

Good luck!

 

[zapped]

then you can straighten him out.

good luck with that.

I dunno Beck, I wouldnt advocate a 14 year old vaping unless it was a last resort. I know I certainly wouldnt think it was cool to teach him ohms law and watch as he blows clouds of vapor in front of me and his buddies either.

Im guessing you arent a parent?

 

[Hulamoon]

That is a tough one. Come on guys - own up. When did you start? I like the idea of seeing someone with lung problems to give him food for thought.

 

[Purplepeeps]

I'm so sorry to read this. Gosh, I was 13 when I started but my parents didn't really make a fuss back then and my father was a smoker. I wished they had, maybe I would have stopped.

I would blow a bunion if my son started. I tell him all the time how stupid I was to start. He hates smoking so hopefully, I'll get lucky.

Talk with him, share your experience. At that age, they live in the moment not thinking they're going to get addicted. Wham, 10,20 or 30 years later.

My father died a terrible death from lung cancer. I was there holding his hand when he passed. What a wake up call that was. Do you think some scare tactics would work with your son?

There's some frightening adds out there:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5zWB4dLYChM

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_th5U5hRu8k
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GEWky9PEroU

I wish you and your son the best!

 

[zapped]

That is a tough one. Come on guys - own up. When did you start? I like the idea of seeing someone with lung problems to give him food for thought.

I started at 12, sneaking cigarettes here and there when I could.Then when I was 14 my dad offered me a cigarette and said if your gonna smoke you might as well be a man and smoke in front of me. I thought he was gonna smack the hell out of me and honestly I wish that he had.

My dad was VERY liberal raising me and as a result I learned things the hard way and suffered for it growing up.

Im not making that mistake with my own child.I'm hard on him because I love him and dont want to see him make the same mistakes.

 

[beckdg]

I dunno Beck, I wouldnt advocate a 14 year old vaping unless it was a last resort. I know I certainly wouldnt think it was cool to teach him ohms law and watch as he blows clouds of vapor in front of me and his buddies either.

Im guessing you arent a parent?

you guessed wrong. very wrong. i'm a parent that's speaking specifically about my very stubborn son who's taken to some very drastic measures recently. i've been investigated for raising my voice recently because he told the school i beat him. he's a tough nut to crack.

not only that, i started smoking at 12 and had no problem supporting my habit. my parents didn't know until i was almost 19.

now, let's not take everything out of context. i did say it would be absolute last resort. but i know my son and unlike everyone else, i know when he's just not going to do what's not in his will to do. it's an option... with just that one of my three... that realistically, i'd have to consider.

and yes, i would take immense pride in knowing he's properly informed and knowledgeable and most importantly, not smoking cigarettes. small loss on my part if it happens, but small win too. better than the lose/lose battles i'm often faced with from him.

EDIT: also... i wouldn't want to be in front of his friends cheering him on or anything. just a proud dad that finally broke through to his boy in some minuscule way onlooking from a distance knowing he's safer than before i interjected and taking joy in seeing him gloat to his friends with info garnished from me. may be silly, but sometimes it's the little things whether ideal or not.

TRUST ME; this has been hard to admit even on the internet. i'm more admitting it to myself than anything. i'm shaking just thinking about it.

That is a tough one. Come on guys - own up. When did you start? I like the idea of seeing someone with lung problems to give him food for thought.

i was 12. i like the idea, too. also with a trache mic.

 

[Purplepeeps]

My father did that with coffee. Told me if I was going to drink it, it had to be straight black. Haven't touched coffee since. Now why didn't he force me to smoke a big old nasty non filtered cig to turn me off???

 

[zapped]

you guessed wrong. very wrong. i'm a parent that's speaking specifically about my very stubborn son who's taken to some very drastic measures recently. i've been investigated for raising my voice recently because he told the school i beat him. he's a tough nut to crack.

My apologies then.

Dont give up on that kid no matter how stubborn he is. Im talking from personal experience here but if he has to learn everything on his own without the benefit of your knowledge and experience its gonna be a VERY bumpy road for him.

My kid tried the same thing when he was 13, told the counselor at his school that his mom and I beat the hell out of him and they sent a social worker. I met her at the door and told her point blank, that I spanked him and that I would do it again if he lied to his mom and me. Thankfully, she was one of the rare social workers with some sense left in her head and marked it as good parenting instead of abuse. There werent any marks or bruising (except maybe to his ego) to start with. Just typical exaggeration from a kid.

Years later we found out my son was acting out because he was abused by a neighbor when he was a child. Id check for underlying issues and start him in counseling asap if you havent done so already.

 

[molimelight]

In keeping with your request, I'd be glad he told me and try and work with that trust. Does his mom smoke? That could make a difference. How is your relationship with her? Can you both come up with a plan to deal with it? It is a tough one, and at that age he wants to be able to make his own decisions. It would be nice if it could at least appear to him that he made the decision to give it up. Is there anyone he thinks is "cool" that you might be able to engage in talking with him? It may be a process that takes a while. Maybe talk with a psychologist about developing a plan. Hope some of that helps. Good luck with it.

 

[AndriaD]

There's something that I think very few parents -- scratch that -- very few HUMANS -- ever realize; my own certainly didn't.

It is impossible to force another person to do anything, even if you live in the same house with them. What are you going to do, follow them round every single minute of the day? When they have arrived at a point of choosing to smoke, you have no CONTROL over them. All you can EVER do is offer motivation, or punishment. THEY make the choice of how to act and what to do; if offered sufficient motivation, they will often choose wisely. If offered the threat of sufficient punishment, they MAY choose wisely, or they may keep testing, to see if you'll really do all those awful things you threatened. If you don't follow thru on whatever you threatened, you lose even more power.

If he told you that he smokes, then yes, I'd say he's more than willing to discuss it, and at his age, I believe his smoking could certainly be construed as one of those ways that kids test the limits, to see if anyone is watching, to see if anyone cares. If someone starts throwing a fit about the smoking and grounding them and screaming, yelling, etc... well, they've found an absolutely great way to get under your skin, haven't they? YOU have surrendered control to THEM, if you act like that.

I learned all these things the hardest possible way -- I started smoking at 13, my mom found out 3 wks later, my 14th b-day was nearly cancelled, and I suffered much humiliation and a bloody nose before the rant was over. Did I stop smoking? I did not. I smoked for 39 yrs, watched my mom almost succumb to COPD before she quit, watched my dad die of lung cancer. In 2014, I discovered e-cigs and found I didn't need to smoke anymore.

I would suggest talking to the son AS IF HE'S AN ACTUAL HUMAN BEING WITH FREE WILL AND A RATIONAL MIND. That is the only possible way to get him to act like one. Parents are always on about "if you show us respect, we'll show it to you" but that is backward; YOU are the adult, and if you want your son to show you respect, you have to teach him what it looks like, by respecting him. I would say that harm reduction efforts should be implemented at once, if not sooner, but you will not affect his decision in a positive way if you rant, threaten, and scream; THAT is childish behavior, and it is what you will teach the child you display it to.

And that's all I have to say about that.
Andria

 

[beckdg]

yeah, our social worker was pretty cool. she got to see the dynamics in the home a little too, which i think really helped. he is in weekly one on one and group counseling now. we're doing what we can, but the big problem is this new schools involvement. he's bucking the system there cause he's mad we moved and he lost all his old friends. he's really holding that grudge. the school is looking for something to blame his actions on and pretty headstrong that everything is the parents fault. the principal makes suggestions in the form of questions and he plays the role pretty good and runs with the suggestions. the last episode i got to witness, she asked him if there was a death in the family he was mourning. he told her the uncle he barely new died (2 years ago) and he was really depressed over it. he rolled around on the floor and cried and everything. limbs like limp noodles as if he didn't have the strength to stand. it was quite a spectacle and she bought every second of it. sad. very sad. but... she produces good test results, so the school board won't get rid of her.

 

[pauly walnuts]

Found out my 14yo son (lives 3 hours away from me) has been smoking for the last 6 months. I find this out barely a week after I quit. What prompted him to tell me? He saw the posts on my FB about quitting the analogs and going to vaping.

It's tough. I don't want him to have any addictions whatsoever.

What would you do if it was your kid? Please note, I am not saying "What will you tell me to do with MY kid?", I am curious how other people would react to this situation...or have reacted if they have already dealt with it. With all the "FOR THE CHILDREN" crap that gets spewed by people that want to ban sharp edges, underage smoking is a hot enough issue as it is. It happens. It has to be dealt with somehow. How can we expect kids to toss off a habit many of us have struggled with for decades? After all, we are the ones who are SUPPOSED to have learned self control, right?

As much as I hate to say this, especially given his living situation, I dont think theres alot you can do. Try anything you think might help, do the right thing for his future but realize, trying to talk reason to a 16yr old is like trying to teach a your dog how to read. He might recognize letters and maybe understand very simple words but he will not see the big picture like you do.


Young people do not posses the intellectual, emotional, or experience based maturity that we so often give them credit for (mostly hopeful thinking on our parts). When I was a teen I was shown pictures of black lungs, watched my grandmother die from lung cancer (smoking related), and was told by countless teachers, parents, and tv commercials that smoking was dangerous. Did I listen, NO. Now at 32yrs old, I realize that almost everything my parents warned me about was true, but I had to learn the hard way like most teens.


I wish you luck and hope you can get through to him, but dont count on it. As bad as it sounds, his friends decide his actions much more than his parents at this point in his life. I know, I was that kid.