Well
@Ricky Vapes I agree with channelvaps for once. Although I have not had the experience of watching a partner die, my kiddo's dad (I left but couldn't get sole custody soon enough and until he well, did some other awful stuff the kid disclosed. Eventually, I got a parental severance.) I did, however, watch him disintegrate slowly and painfully before my eyes (he was definitely the dad) and while it was painful for me, it was so much worse for my child.
My kiddo decided he wanted a parental severance and a name change. He gave up contact with the parent. The last I heard from my ex he claimed to be staying somewhere in Texas and wanting to leave the country and needing my DOB or my SS number, I forget. He wanted me to give my email address so he could "send the kid a missive and he was likely not coming back." He was all sketchy about contacting me directly and was like "I have bad cell reception" but he could hear my VM just fine.
It freaked me out, because I was not sure if it WAS my ex even. I finally said, "I can think of NO reason why you would need those details to leave, and they are on the child's birth certificate, our marriage decree and our divorce decree so contact vital records. If you wan to send me a letter for the kid you are going to need to talk to the husband and he can figure out if this is appropriate. I got a text back FULL of cussing, but for the first time I stuck to my guns and was like "I need to do what's right FOR ME and dealing with this is Not It." I am fairly sure he is dead but not certain. I did not think a Mea Culpa letter would do much for the kid in any case. He has made peace with his childhood.
So, that was a pretty miserable time, all things considered. Al-anon was helpful and al- a-teen. It helped my kid a bunch. He too was finally able to put down the shovel before it broke, he too stopped digging to China looking for a way to help his dad. His first true love was an alcoholic and he was so sad because he loved her and she was funny and a train wreck and he was like, "I can't be with her though." I was like "How come, maybe you could help or something." He just shook his head and said "Oh Mom, you know when you are with someone like that you have to be willing to do what they do or it's just a mess, you know that."
I was like "Oh my heavens I have raised a child with good boundaries, miraculous." I agreed though, being with my ex was not tenable sober. I put down the shovel when I got tired of explaining away like, bruises caused by chairs hurled drunk and 3 years of marriage counseling etc. I thought he would not hurt the kid but even if I did, I was the crazy bipolar mom, he had had no record of treatment. I would have gotten less custody not more. My kid always wanted to see his dad, and I never stopped it, although at times it was supervised. It had to be. For
three months me and the husband drove the kid 70 miles to the ex's longer term rehab and back. I never said a damn thing evil about my ex, although I know my ex did about me, non stop.
But *I* was the lucky one, the kid knew where his safety and love was, he knew who he could count on and I paid a lot for therapy (the best therapists did not take
insurance and one guy charged 150 bucks a session but he was best for my kid) and the lawyers fees oof. However, it was all worth it to me, I would have donated blood plasma, sold my house, huh worse if necessary.
Of course when the kid finally told me about the ex's acts I got TOTAL custody. It was still hard however, and like, it sucked.
I say all this in order to point out: I waited a LONG time for the husband and don't get me wrong we have had our times, we are both "double winners" i.e. needing to learn how to stay sober but sweep our own sides of the street in relationships. Although to be fair, I don't LOVE al-anon and I used to be like, "At least sober drunks are freaking fun and not control freaks and dreadful." So I probably needed al-anon MORE almost.
Maybe now isn't your time. It's easy to just shut out relationships and yes, they are the hardest thing upon this earth. But, if you decide to go to al-anon you may be ready when love hits, as it does most often when least expected. It is TOTALY up to you if you never date again I can respect that. But you should not have to feel like you can't/won't/shouldn't ever and there ARE lovely women out there, so if one falls for you, you MIGHT want to be ready.
Dating in AA, well it's fishing in a polluted pool. You might get someone who understands you and your addiction but you might equally get someone who relapsed. I did. The husband stuck around and says it was worth it but there were ah, hard times. The husband is 21 and I am 6 but we decided to forget about the age difference.
I know you are super busy, but in my freaking opinion who CARES if you are the biological dad? You would make a killer foster parent and I bet wind up adopting some. I am not saying now, I know your mom keeps you busy and things are tough, but you would make a GREAT dad, and you can do it when and if YOU choose, any way you want.
Have a family that is right for you, most of all! If it's the bunnies, well I am still loving watching them. Sorry if I rambled on too long. I cannot say how sorry I am about your girlfriend and what happened, but there may be time when you are ready to let go of it.
Anna
but it is so damn awesome to be able to lie in bed and be so much more comfortable.
