Still can't quit analogs

[surbitonPete]

When I was young there was none of the daily warnings that smoking will kill me...so I smoked and enjoyed it.....but in the last 15 years or so all the constant health warnings have certainly brainwashed me, I have tried everything to give up but my willpower just cannot do it ..I feel like I am going crazy without tobacco and that has made me feel more and more depressed...........it led me to self analysis and wondering if I must deep down be 'wanting' to kill myself....but the fact is 'I don't' I am just an addict.... vaping has made me feel so happy because I can actually live with out having tobacco...and despite having absolutely no way of being 'certain' it's any healthier...it's as if right down to my soul I know vaping is nearly as good for my health as if I had given up smoking altogether.......it's as if vaping has lifted a massive weight off of my shoulders and made me feel so much happier.

 

[yoshistr]

Thanks for all the support, after reading the replies I noticed a lot of people mentioned that there is so much left to live for, but I feel that life is too long and I have had my fun here and just want to take a long long nap. Hopefully as the weather warms up and I graduate from college and get my direction in life down I will be able to have motivation to quit, right now I feel as if I have nothing to live for. My life is like a prison I do everything like a robot from the moment I wake up in the morning and I fear happiness because I know how easily it can be taken away. Also I feel as if smoking is an escape even if for a few minutes at a time, so I am hoping if I take my ecig outside I can still get an escapist feeling. I'm not trying to sound precocious but few people have been through the things I have at my age and know the cruelty of life with all of societies cover-ups such as "love" which don't even exist. I guess I had a rough childhood with my dad not being there for ten years so I had to grow up and watch over my mother and the physical abuse. I wasn't ever financially better off so life has been a struggle and I never had a lot of friends because inside my I was always envious of others who had it better than me. In this regard I know other people are envious of me, but also I want to know what love is. Right now I can truly say that I don't love anyone including myself and that bothers me.

To Spikey: I think a Long Island support group is a fantastic idea, and you would be wrong if you think nobody cares about your story. I care and I'm not just saying that, I guess a person like me who knows what it's like feels sympathy and wants to try to help. Thanks for sharing your story, I'm sure you will get where you want to go as long as you keep your hopes up no matter how difficult it gets. Don't let weight gain deter you from quitting smoking, you can spend those minutes you used to smoke instead to do some cardio workout and easily lose the weight. I'm sorry about your past relationships, I know how much of a burden the memories can be to quitting smoking, it just makes you feel insecure and worthless but just remember you wouldn't have made it this far if you weren't an amazing person. Think of how hard you have worked, every single day just to get where you are right now, that will help you realize that it makes no sense to give up now when you are almost within reach of your dreams.

Beequeen: Sorry to hear about your loss, but everyone's time is different, you still have things to do on this planet. I'm happy to know you succeeded in your goals, but the thing I realized is that you can't quit smoking for anyone else except yourself. Even if you love someone more than life itself you can promise them but you might end up breaking it so do it for yourself first. You are making progress and that is an acheivement.

Rickstar009: I have tried the tar filters but they make the cigarette taste like iron and lose the flavor not to mention the whole killing myself idea. I think they are a good solution for people who are addicted to the nicotine but not the self-sabotage, so kudos for them.

SpaceCadet & MikeMac: I don't mind off topic posts, I think the tar filters would be a good improvement for your health just remember to use them everytime and make it a habit. I know a few analogs won't do much harm but in a way I know if I don't make a decision soon to give them up I never will for the rest of my life.
A few people have told me they love me and want me to quit smoking and even one person who I loved so much I would do anything for but I still didn't quit smoking.

Sorry to hear about your loss Mike, I know Emphysema is a terrible way to die, sometimes I am unable to breathe even though I take deep breathes it feels like I am not getting any oxygen and suffocating. I have coughed up blood before so I know my lungs aren't exactly doing so good so I suppose I Don't want to smoke any more analogs to do more damage but also feel like it is too late, and am just confused & depressed. You are not that old, you have a lot to live for; your family and for yourself especially.

Everyone: Thanks for all the words of support, I know it is not my time to quit and until I improve my life it simply won't happen. I will go through these few months and try to keep my head up and limit the damage I do and hopefully all this depression and bad memories will be forgotten and I will be happy once more. I will take things one step at a time and hopefully everything will fall into place, and if it doesn't I always have death as an option haha ?

 

[lorie1482]

Hey, no problem sweetie!!!!!! My boyfriend is originally from Long Island. He's from Bayport, I think in Suffolk county, I'm not too sure, but where about are you particularly?

 

[valerie]

Yoshistr--I think you're going through a quarter life crisis.

No, I swear, it's a real thing. (It was on Oprah. )

Anyway, I know that the period of time right around when I graduated from college and the years after were pretty much the worst of my life. It's a scary thing suddenly being shoved on the world and having to make your own decisions.

Think about the fact that for your entire life, you've been in school, and you've had your choices limited. Sure, you could pick your major, and you could decide which electives to take, but suddenly, you're being shoved out there and told to go choose your whole life. And it doesn't help that since you were like six years old, people have been telling you that your reason for being is to get a job (which you will hopefully LOVE) and become a productive member of society.

Here it is, what you've been working for your whole life. Graduating from college and becoming a real adult. And it kind of sucks when it's not nearly as fulfilling as you'd hoped it would be, or when it doesn't live up to your expectations (like the relationship business you were talking about).

On a further note, it sounds like you're also going through a bad break up. Those have kept me from quitting a time or two. (And at least once, cause me to start smoking again after I quit.) It's okay to be in pain. It's normal. It's human. And I think...I don't know why, though...cigarettes (the real kind) help kind of numb that pain somehow. Whenever I feel emotionally upset, a cigarette is the first thing I want.

 

[CaptJay]

Hey Yosh
Have you been treated, or are you BEING treated for your depression? It sounds like you do have it - and while I hate to resort to drug therapy, sometimes we need a bit of help Nicotine is marvellous to alter moods (a proven fact btw) but sometimes its really not enough. Nicotines mood altering qualities are slight but they are there, but it sounds to me like your bio-chemical imbalance might need a little more kick than ciggies can give you alone. No wonder you don't want to quit right now, I don't think its advisable either until you can get something to counter your mood swings. Take away your current crutch and, well..what happens when you take people's crutches away? They tend to fall down.
I do urge you to speak to your local health professional about getting soemthing )temporary) to help lift you out of your funk.
No amount of telling you 'things will get better' is going to help if you have clinical depression. Having this doesn't make you weak or inadequate btw, just means you need a bit of help right now. Counselling is another alternative that may work well for you as you seem articulate and keen to talk over your issues.
I would honestly put everything else on the back burner for now and get your head into a good space.
You can quit smoking when you feel your life is at a point when thats something that will benefit you - right now I don't think THIS is the right time.

I hope you find what you need.