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Signs Santa Doesn't Like Your Kid
- 10 -Kid's letter to north pole comes back stamped, "Dream on, Chester!"
- 9 -Kid asks for new bike, gets pack of smokes
- 8 -Along with presents, Santa leaves hefty bill for shipping and handling
- 7 -By the time he gets to your house, all he has left are styrofoam peanuts
- 6 -Christmas day, your kid wakes up with a Reindeer head in his bed.
- 5 -Instead of "Naughty" or "Nice", Santa has him on the dork list
- 4 -Sends him off on one of them Carnival Cruises with Kathie Lee
- 3 -First words when kid gets on his lap are, "Touch my beard and I'll put the hurt on you."
- 2 -Labels on all your kid's toys read "Straight from Craptown."
- 1 -Four words: "Off my lap, Tubby!"
(Source: Top Ten Lists from LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN)
- 10 -Kid's letter to north pole comes back stamped, "Dream on, Chester!"
- 9 -Kid asks for new bike, gets pack of smokes
- 8 -Along with presents, Santa leaves hefty bill for shipping and handling
- 7 -By the time he gets to your house, all he has left are styrofoam peanuts
- 6 -Christmas day, your kid wakes up with a Reindeer head in his bed.
- 5 -Instead of "Naughty" or "Nice", Santa has him on the dork list
- 4 -Sends him off on one of them Carnival Cruises with Kathie Lee
- 3 -First words when kid gets on his lap are, "Touch my beard and I'll put the hurt on you."
- 2 -Labels on all your kid's toys read "Straight from Craptown."
- 1 -Four words: "Off my lap, Tubby!"
(Source: Top Ten Lists from LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN)
Signs You're Sick of the Holidays
- 10 -You've got red and green bags under your eyes
- 9 -You're serving reindeer pot pie
- 8 -When you hear, "Sleigh bells ring, are you listenin'?," you scream, "No! I'm not listening!"
- 7 -You climb on your roof and start shooting carolers in the ... with your BB gun
- 6 -You think you hear your Christmas tree taunting you
- 5 -Instead of spending time with family, you're watching some guy make photo copies
- 4 -You're busted for running through town wearing nothing but mistletoe.
- 3 -You've got eggnog coming out of your ears
- 2 -Your standard response, "And happy holidays to you too, you ......."
- 1 -Two words: tinsel rash
(Source: Top Ten Lists from LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN)
- 10 -You've got red and green bags under your eyes
- 9 -You're serving reindeer pot pie
- 8 -When you hear, "Sleigh bells ring, are you listenin'?," you scream, "No! I'm not listening!"
- 7 -You climb on your roof and start shooting carolers in the ... with your BB gun
- 6 -You think you hear your Christmas tree taunting you
- 5 -Instead of spending time with family, you're watching some guy make photo copies
- 4 -You're busted for running through town wearing nothing but mistletoe.
- 3 -You've got eggnog coming out of your ears
- 2 -Your standard response, "And happy holidays to you too, you ......."
- 1 -Two words: tinsel rash
(Source: Top Ten Lists from LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN)
Signs You've Had Too Much Holiday Cheer
1. You strike a match and light your nose.
2. You take off your shoes and wade in the potato salad.
3. You hear a duck quacking and it's you.
4. You tell your best joke to the rubber plant.
5. You refill your glass from the fish bowl.
6. You hear someone say, "Call a priest!"
7. You start kissing the portraits on the wall.
8. You complain about the small bathroom after emerging from the closet.
9. You ask for another ice cube and put it in your pocket.
10. You tell everyone you have to go home... and the party's at your place.
11. You have to hold on to the floor to keep from sliding off.
12. You pick up a roll, and butter your watch.
13. You yawn at the biggest bore in the room... and realize you're in front of the hall mirror.
14. You take out your handkerchief and blow your ear.
15. You suggest everyone stand and sing the national budget.
1. You strike a match and light your nose.
2. You take off your shoes and wade in the potato salad.
3. You hear a duck quacking and it's you.
4. You tell your best joke to the rubber plant.
5. You refill your glass from the fish bowl.
6. You hear someone say, "Call a priest!"
7. You start kissing the portraits on the wall.
8. You complain about the small bathroom after emerging from the closet.
9. You ask for another ice cube and put it in your pocket.
10. You tell everyone you have to go home... and the party's at your place.
11. You have to hold on to the floor to keep from sliding off.
12. You pick up a roll, and butter your watch.
13. You yawn at the biggest bore in the room... and realize you're in front of the hall mirror.
14. You take out your handkerchief and blow your ear.
15. You suggest everyone stand and sing the national budget.
After being away on business for a week before Christmas, Tom thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.
"How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a bottle costing $50.
"That's a bit much," said Tom, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.
"Thats still quite a bit," Tom groused.
Growing disgusted, the clerk brought out a tiny $15 bottle.
Tom grew agitated, "What I mean," he said, "is I'd like to see something real cheap."
So the clerk handed him a mirror.
"How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a bottle costing $50.
"That's a bit much," said Tom, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.
"Thats still quite a bit," Tom groused.
Growing disgusted, the clerk brought out a tiny $15 bottle.
Tom grew agitated, "What I mean," he said, "is I'd like to see something real cheap."
So the clerk handed him a mirror.
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