Virgin Vapor ***CONTEST GIVEAWAY***03

[Roadtrip635]

3/16 #2

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

 

[spacekitty]

3/16 - #1

A couple buys this cute little dog. They take him home and two days later the dog becomes very lazy. It won’t eat, doesn’t bark, heck it doesn’t even move at all.

So the couple decides to take the dog to the Vet. The Vet looks at the dog and then lays it on the floor. He then brings a cat into the room and sets it beside the dog. The cat crawls all over the dog for several minutes and then runs around the dog four times before the Vet picks up the cat and puts him back in his cage.

The Vet then turns to the couple and says, “I’m sorry to tell you this, but your dog is dead… That’ll be $225.00.”

“$225.00?,” screamed the outraged man. “You expect me to pay you that much just to tell me my dog is dead?”

The Vet replied, “It’s only $25.00 for the office visit and $200.00 for the Cat Scan.”

 

[spacekitty]

#2

PHONE PROBLEM:

An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to report that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called -- and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang.
The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog .... or the senile elderly lady.

He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone
number was called.

4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then
urinate on himself and the ground.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which goes to show that some problems can be fixed by pissing and moaning.

 

[spacekitty]

#3

alien Sex

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things.

Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.
Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. "Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen.

"Pretty much the way you do,"responds the Martian.

Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weeny member about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.

"I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen.

"Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?"

"Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"

"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.

"Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow...."

"No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull,his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.

"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways. As they walk along, Mike asks "Well, was it any good?"

"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?"

"It was horrible," he replies, All I got was a headache. All she kept doing the whole time was slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."

​

 

[spacekitty]

...and don't forget what today is!!

 

[Ding]

3/16 #1

A man walks into a bar and says, “Give me a beer before the problems start!”
He drinks the beer and then orders another saying, “Give me a beer before the problems start!”

The bartender looks confused. This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man “When are you going to pay for these beers?”
The man answers, “Now the problems start!”

 

[CountBoredom]

3/16 #3

If at first you don't succeed, sky diving isn't for you.

 

[Ding]

3/16 #2

My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60.

Now he’s 97 years old and we have no idea where the hell he is.

 

[Ding]

3/16 #3

Bob left work one Friday evening.
But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with his mates and spending his entire wages.

When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?”

He replied, “That would be fine with me.”

Monday went by and he didn’t see his wife.

Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

 

[Qew]

3-16 #1

Roger is a hard worker and he spends most of his nights bowling or playing volleyball. One weekend, his wife decides that he needs to relax a little and take a break from sports, so she takes him to a strip club.

The doorman at the club spots them and says "Hey Roger! How are you tonight?" His wife, surprised, asks her husband if he has been here before. "No, no. He's just one of the guys I bowl with."

They are seated, and the waitress approaches, sees Roger and says "Nice to see you, Roger. A gin and tonic as usual?" His wife's eyes widen. "You must come here a lot!" "No, no" says Roger "I just know her from volleyball."

Then a stripper walks up to the table. She throws her arms around Roger and says "Roger! A table dance as usual?" His wife, fuming, collects her things and storms out of the bar.

Roger follows her and spots her getting into a cab, so he jumps into the passenger seat. His wife looks at him, seething with fury and promptly flips out on Roger. Just then, the cabby leans over and says "Sure looks like you picked up a mean one tonight, Roger!"

 

[Qew]

3-16 #2

A man is about to enter a meeting at work when he realizes that he forgot some important paperwork. He calls home so that his wife can retrieve them.

The maid answers the phone and says that his wife is busy. He demands that the maid put his wife on the phone. The maid informs the man that his wife is in bed with the gardener. The man goes nuts and offers the maid one million dollars to shoot them both. The maid agrees and he soon hears two gunshots.

The maid returns to the phone and he asks her what happened. The maid says she shot his wife in bed but the gardener ran, so she shot him by the pool. The man says, "Pool??? Is this 555-4320???"

 

[Qew]

3-16 #3

My friend told me she wouldn't hang out with me anymore because of my obsession with The Monkees. I thought she was joking. Then I saw her face.

 

[CountBoredom]

3/17 #1

One night, God visits a preacher.

The preacher has one question, "What is Heaven like?"

God replies, "Heaven is like a city. It has the best of everything. For example, the French are the chefs, the Italians are the lovers, the English are the policeman, the Germans are the mechanics, and the Dutch are the politicians."

"What is Hell like?" he asks.

"Well," he sighs, "the French are the mechanics, the Italians are the politicians, the English are the chefs, the Germans are the policemen, and the Dutch are the lovers."

 

[Redo]

3/17 #1

Why did the vaper store liquids on their stairs?

They were steeping!

 

[Redo]

3/17 #2

Why was the vaper talking to geese?

He heard "Squonk.. Squonk.." and thought they were having a conversation!

 

[Redo]

3/17 #3
What did everyone think about Redo's jokes in this thread?

"ugh... re-volt-ing"!

Wow!! - i was really scraping the bottom of the barrel towards the end there - I personally challenged myself to see if I could keep everything original and vape related. yeah - i nod my head to the fact that a lot was cliche - but fun and funny for me . @lemmon_head Great contest! Good luck everyone!

 

[CountBoredom]

3/17 #2

An old man and woman hate each other, but remain married for years. During their shouting fights, the old man constantly warns his wife, "If I die first, I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

One day, the man abruptly dies. After the burial, the wife goes straight to the local bar and begins to party. Her friends ask if she isn't worried about her husband digging himself out of the grave.

The wife smiles, "Let the old bugger dig. I had him buried upside down!"

 

[greasegizzard]

3/17 #1
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide." 
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

 

[4lph4num3r1c]

3/17 1 I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time.

 

[4lph4num3r1c]

3/17 2
I think Santa has riverfront property in Brazil. All our presents came from Amazon this year.