Ok after vaping since last month, there have been some times that I was really proud of myself. I finally figured out that if I want an analog I could have one. I've stopped buying cartons of analogs. I use to go through 2.5 cartons a week. Yea I smoked all the time. I came to the realization that; I'm scared to lose them. I admit it. I get scared everytime a pack runs out. I know I don't have to buy another one but I'm scared to be without. I've thought about this since I started vaping. I'm scared to loose the crutch that took my Mother away from me when I was just 16 years old. I'm scared to loose the crutch that drove my own Sister away from me. I'm scared to loose the crutch that crippled my Father. I'm hoping that now that I realize that I can overcome it. For those who struggle and strain with quitting I understand. Yesterday is what finally hit me in the face. I went from the time I woke up and went to work with only 3 analogs. When I got home, I started drinking beer. The Woman I love more than life, her mom lives with us. She is not the brightest light in the room. She had a stroke and I allowed her to move in with us. It's my house, I can make these desiccions. I was an elderly care giver for my father for over 15 years. My own family does not know how I grew up with him. He was a ....... but he was still my father. Now I have no family except my Sister who does not support anything that I do. I still love her though. I will not take a persons parent away from them. Her mother treated her like a dog when she was growing up. I can't help but hate her for that. But I will feed her and help take care of her for my LOVE. Sometimes I smoke analogs more than I planned. Well a lot of times I smoke more than I want to. I have finally come to a time in my life where I understand what makes me keep them around. It's because I'm scared. Her mom smokes and I GAVE her some pv's to try and even took her to a B/M to find a juice she liked. Will she use them. Hell No. She wants everyone to die and be just like her. Now that I've admited that I'm scare of loosing my crutch maybe I can go on with life.
I just know and pray that others that read this will understand it's ok to be Scared. It's a fact of life. And if you need the crutch then allow yourself to have it. When I'm vaping I'm happy. When I'm burning I'm miserable. But then no one said that life was easy. If this blog helps one person then I did not waste my time here. I pray that everyone that has supported me through ECF live a long and healthy life. But I'll say it again; It's ok to be scared.
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