CONTEST: Best Joke Wins an iTaste 134 Mini APV! - The Vapor Station
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My wife packed my bags and said "GET OUT!!!"As I walked out the frontdoor, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death!" "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"
An 80-year old man walks into the doctor's office for his regular check-up.
The doctor says to him, "Ahh, Ted, how are you feeling?" "Great," says the old man. "I have an 18-year old wife, and she's pregnant with my child." The doctor gives a concerned look and says to Ted, "Ted, let me tell you a story. See, I have this hunter friend and early one morning, he goes out hunting, but is in such a hurry that he grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. So, as he is hunting, he spots a beaver. He aims at the beaver with his umbrella and shoots at it. Bam! The beaver falls dead to the ground.""What?!" cries the old man. "Why that's impossible! Someone else must have shot the beaver.""Exactly," says the doctor.
The doctor says to him, "Ahh, Ted, how are you feeling?" "Great," says the old man. "I have an 18-year old wife, and she's pregnant with my child." The doctor gives a concerned look and says to Ted, "Ted, let me tell you a story. See, I have this hunter friend and early one morning, he goes out hunting, but is in such a hurry that he grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. So, as he is hunting, he spots a beaver. He aims at the beaver with his umbrella and shoots at it. Bam! The beaver falls dead to the ground.""What?!" cries the old man. "Why that's impossible! Someone else must have shot the beaver.""Exactly," says the doctor.
'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the Divorce Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week.'
'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'
'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'
"Smoking is a nasty habit. What else can you call it when you shove a stinking .... into your own mouth?"
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'
'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'
'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'
Q: What do you give to a pumpkin who is trying to quit smoking?
A: A pumpkin patch!
A: A pumpkin patch!
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'
The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'
The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
PEEPING TOM
This girl I know lives on the 4th floor of an apartment,
and even though it is a fairly good neighborhood,
she has been having trouble with a Peeping Tom
that lives next door...
Every time she goes out on her balcony to catch a bit of sun while
wearing her bikini, this Peeping Tom looks over from his balcony
as soon as she removes her top, and stares at her...
She has complained to the superintendent about this
Peeping Tom, but he says she must have positive proof
before he can do a thing --
She FINALLY got a picture of him while he was staring at her........
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This girl I know lives on the 4th floor of an apartment,
and even though it is a fairly good neighborhood,
she has been having trouble with a Peeping Tom
that lives next door...
Every time she goes out on her balcony to catch a bit of sun while
wearing her bikini, this Peeping Tom looks over from his balcony
as soon as she removes her top, and stares at her...
She has complained to the superintendent about this
Peeping Tom, but he says she must have positive proof
before he can do a thing --
She FINALLY got a picture of him while he was staring at her........
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
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.
Three little boys are sitting on the porch. One says, ‘My daddy smokes, and he can blow smoke rings.’ The second pipes up, ‘Well, my dad smokes, and he can blow smoke out of his ears.’ Not to be outdone, the third says, ‘My dad can blow smoke out of his .....’ ‘Have you actually seen him do that?’ ask his friends. ‘No,’ he says. ‘But I’ve seen the tobacco stains on his undies.’
Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'
Joe: 'Really?'
Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'
Joe: 'Really?'
Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'
" Doctor I keep stealing things"
" Take these tablets; if that doesn't work get me a flat screen TV."
" Take these tablets; if that doesn't work get me a flat screen TV."
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice. 'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'
'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'
He's still in intensive care.
'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'
He's still in intensive care.
A guy walks into a dentist's office and says, "I think I'm a moth."
The dentist replies "You shouldn't be here. You should be seeing a psychiatrist..."
The guys replies, "I am seeing a psychiatrist."
The dentist says, "Well then what are you doing here?"
And the guy says, "Your light was on."
The dentist replies "You shouldn't be here. You should be seeing a psychiatrist..."
The guys replies, "I am seeing a psychiatrist."
The dentist says, "Well then what are you doing here?"
And the guy says, "Your light was on."
The graveside service just barely finished, when there
was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a
tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even
more thunder rumbling in the distance...
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly
said, 'Well, she's there.’
was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a
tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even
more thunder rumbling in the distance...
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly
said, 'Well, she's there.’
Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?" When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. "JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ....!" The Teacher fainted.
I couldn't help but over-hear two guys in their mid-twenties while sitting at a bar.
One of the guys says to his buddy, "Man you look tired."
His buddy says, "Dude I'm exhausted. My girlfriend and I have sex all the time. I just don't know what to do."
Another guy about my age (72), sitting a couple of stools down had also over-heard the conversation. He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says, "Marry her. That'll put a stop to that it!"
One of the guys says to his buddy, "Man you look tired."
His buddy says, "Dude I'm exhausted. My girlfriend and I have sex all the time. I just don't know what to do."
Another guy about my age (72), sitting a couple of stools down had also over-heard the conversation. He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says, "Marry her. That'll put a stop to that it!"
A virus walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "We don't serve viruses in this bar!"
The virus replaces the bartender and says, "Now we do."
The bartender says, "We don't serve viruses in this bar!"
The virus replaces the bartender and says, "Now we do."
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