Snail Tales

[Digimon2k]

Having viewed the reaction generated by Lisa's drive-by warning with no small measure of glee, was heard to mutter, "Well, well, well. I have managed to give my Mayan snails some exceptionally sharp incisors, and they have proven to be very adept chewers!"

"Kat!", cried Nora Knotsewgud, "You better come and get your Mayan snails! They are trying to chew me!"

Jerry, who had an inborn talent for handling irrational numbers with the same facility as rational numbers, quickly added π and √2 together and had a most insightful revelation. "Ah ha! Now I see the truth, Miss Kat! It was you who sent me to the ECF building that morning when I was ruthlessly and mercilessly attacked!"

"It was you who planted the Mayan Killer Snails there, in the hope that they would do me in! All so you could have the last word," He pontificated. "But then when you saw that I had foiled your little scheme when I roasted your little ... friends ... you then set the ECF building on fire in the hopes of roasting me! Seeing that I had managed to escape the flames, you chose to cover your tracks by leading me, and everyone else, to believe that I had accidentally set the fire. But it was you! You set the fire intentionally!"

"And now, " he continued, "you're sending those killer snails after sweet, innocent Nora Knotsewgud, simply to be rid of her. You convinced her that you were her friend, and now, now that this poor, naive girl has let down her guard, you attack. Well, Miss Kat, you have gone too far. This little scheme of yours to eliminate everybody all so that you might have the last word has been, my dear, discovered!"

With that, Jerry, with a smugly pleased expression (available for only $5.95 at Expressions 'R' Us) placed his fists upon his hips, and glared.

Historians (those slackers!) do not record who it was that Jerry glared at.

"Oh, my dearest Jerry!" Kat retorted. "Quite the active imagination you have there. I was with Angus at the time of the arson! And we have your whiskers all over the snail slime! Explain that, Jerry! Your foul accusations will land you in prison for bearing false witness if you're not careful, my dear friend!"

(Remember...no comments in this thread, please! Thanks.)

 

[Digimon2k]

Advancing menacingly on Jerry, Kat continued, "And when you saw me make my move for Angus, you became jealous, didn't you! Insanely jealous! Oh, I know you only meant to burn Angus' ship Serenity, but you became careless! In your haste to escape, your beard caught fire, didn't it? And you tried to put it out with a nearby cape, didn't you?"

Her voice now raising in pitch from a low contralto, edging ever closer to the soprano range, Kat carried on, "But that cape was Elendil's cape! Elendil, that cad, who was running past you with Lu tucked away for safe kidnapping! And when you surprised each other, you both started running for the nearest exit with Elendil's cape spreading the flames far and wide!"

By this point, Kat's voice had reached a pitch that was becoming rather painful to those in the immediate vicinity. "You are both guilty! And when Lu escapes from your fell designs and foul clutches, she will verify my story!"

With a voice very close to the 20 kilohertz upper limit of normal human hearing, Kat concluded with, "I had no idea that it was you, sirrah, who fried my snails until you just now admitted to the deed!"

"And now I suspect that none other than Mr. Smokey Joe is in on it as well!"

That last statement was actually spoken at a base frequency of 27,264 hertz. This being quite above the range of even abnormal human hearing, the only thing that the surrounding onlookers were certain of is that they saw Kat's mouth moving, but heard not a sound.

It is indeed interesting just exactly how Kat's voice was able to exceed the upper range of human hearing. Perhaps I'll write about it in my newest scientific treatise entitled, "Snail Voices," which I expect to have published once it completes its peer review.

As it happens, S. Hyde (our friendly neighborhood tanner) was unwilling to wait for the peer review cycle to complete. "This lot has gone completely sideways," he concluded.

"I'll have you know, Mr. Tanner, that I do have brief moments of sanity. I do, however, try to avoid them as much as possible." said Jerry.


(Remember...no comments in this thread, please! Thanks.)

 

[Digimon2k]

Please skip forward to post 29...

http://www.e-cigarette-forum.com/forum/deejstuff/116235-snail-tales-3.html#post12806407

 

[whiskey]

You made a vigilant effort to write this story my friend...there will be an ending, but not like we all envisioned....

 

[Mac]

........................

 

[classwife]

Deej..............

 

[tiburonfirst]

still looking for that happy ending ...... and for kitty

 

[Digimon2k]

stand by.....

 

[Digimon2k]

Upon hearing (or not-so-much hearing) Kat's final words which were pitched well beyond the range of even Angus' Ruggedly Handsome Hearing ^tm, Angus was heard to mutter something that sounded suspiciously like, "My days of taking this conversation seriously have certainly come to a middle."

Upon hearing the Ruggedly Handsome mutterings of the Ruggedly Handsome Angus, Nora Knotsewgud, concerned she had inadvertently scared Angus, inquired, "Did you get rid of your ruggedly handsome gun because I said my perilously pretty gun was bigger?"

To which he replied, "Nah, just feeling laid back today...."

This seemingly innocent exchange had one effect upon the gathering that was indeed most unfortunate; it distracted everyone from noticing that Kat had in some manner come into possession of Genetically Modified Snails (GMSs) which were not only thought to be the stuff of science fiction, but also controlled by numerous Federal Regulations.

When I, your humble reporter reported humbly on the possession by Kat of certain snails that had undergone genetic modifications in spite of, or in compliance with, numerous Federal Regulations, j0ker appeared as if seemingly from nowhere.

He actually didn't; he jumped out from behind a nearby slimebush, a noted favorite hangout of snails both normal and modified genetically.

Upon seeming to appear from nowhere, he intoned, "You are in danger of being infracted for violating the topic of this conversation! This conversation has prided itself on staying on topic! Cease this idle chit-chat forthwith!"

Jerry, suitably humbled, replied, "I proffer my most humble and sincere apologies, o Great j0ker! Truly, thou art wise and I shall evermore be guided by your sage council."

He added, "I may, however, toss off a rant or two."

j0ker nodded sagely, and gave his leave to commit rants, adding, "So long as the rants ain't about ants!"