CONTEST - WIN A NEW INNOKIN LEA or LEO Cartomizer - WHITESTAGVAPOR.COM
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Hey Jackal
Thanks, awesome contest!
Here's my entry, a short commercial I first saw on veryfunnyads.com (27 secs) CURLY
Thanks, awesome contest!
Here's my entry, a short commercial I first saw on veryfunnyads.com (27 secs) CURLY
Getting old is so hard at times.
Yesterday I got Preparation 'H' mixed up with Poli-Grip.
Now I talk like an a**hole .
...but my gums don't itch!
Yesterday I got Preparation 'H' mixed up with Poli-Grip.
Now I talk like an a**hole .
...but my gums don't itch!
So a middle aged woman goes into a plastic surgeons office. She tells the doctor that she wants to get a face lift to get rid of some of her wrinkles. The Dr. tells her, "I've got this great new procedure, we install this knob on top of your head and whenever you feel like you could use a face lift, just twist the knob and it will tighten up your skin."
Six months later the woman goes back to the Dr. for a routine checkup. "How has this knob worked out for you?" he asks. The woman replies, "Oh, it has been fabulous, except for I have just one complaint, these bags under my eyes." the doctor looks at her and says, "I hate to tell you this but those are not bags, they are your breasts." the woman says, "Oh, well I guess there is no need to ask you about the beard."
Six months later the woman goes back to the Dr. for a routine checkup. "How has this knob worked out for you?" he asks. The woman replies, "Oh, it has been fabulous, except for I have just one complaint, these bags under my eyes." the doctor looks at her and says, "I hate to tell you this but those are not bags, they are your breasts." the woman says, "Oh, well I guess there is no need to ask you about the beard."
#2 for Saturday
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his cell phone and calls 911.
He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard..
Back on the phone, the hunter says, "OK, now what?".
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his cell phone and calls 911.
He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard..
Back on the phone, the hunter says, "OK, now what?".
and now for your boring interruption
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that's all, nothing funny here
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that's all, nothing funny here
Lots of good ones. Lots I've heard before. Keep on posting. There's lots of chances yet to make me fall our of my chair.
Sure, there are some pretty stupid criminals out there. Yet this excerpt from a Washington Post article proves that not all criminals are dumb – in fact, some are so clever that the Post labeled this article, "The Best Comeback Line Ever"
In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old white male, resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 p.m. on Friday.
Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on Monday.
The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview.
Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, Picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his need. "I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice a Gwinnett County police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him. "It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said Officer Taylor. "I walked up to (Lawrence) and he's... just working away at this pumpkin."
Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence. "I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?' He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then looked me straight in the face and said, 'A pumpkin? Darn...is it midnight already?"
In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old white male, resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 p.m. on Friday.
Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on Monday.
The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview.
Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, Picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his need. "I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice a Gwinnett County police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him. "It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said Officer Taylor. "I walked up to (Lawrence) and he's... just working away at this pumpkin."
Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence. "I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?' He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then looked me straight in the face and said, 'A pumpkin? Darn...is it midnight already?"
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church.
It was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.
The seven-year-old had been staring at th e plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex."
"Good morning," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque.
"What is this?" Alex asked.
"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."
Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.
Little Alex's voice was trembling and barely audible when he asked, "Which service, the 9:45 or the 11:15?"
It was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.
The seven-year-old had been staring at th e plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex."
"Good morning," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque.
"What is this?" Alex asked.
"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."
Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.
Little Alex's voice was trembling and barely audible when he asked, "Which service, the 9:45 or the 11:15?"
First one for today:
Precious
First and foremost no prejudice here ok? ok. Okay here goes:
There was this little southern belle in Georgia. Now, I'm talkin' real southern belle....rich southern daddy and the whole nine yards, who's never been out of the state of Georgia in her whole life. She takes a trip to New York City, (oh boy), She comes back and is having tea with all her little southern belle friends and says: "Do ya' know that in NYC there are men who kiss men and they call them gay." And all her friends say " No way!!!" And she says: " Do ya' know that in NYC there are women who kiss women and they call them lesbians." And all her friends say "Get out!!!" And she says:" And did you know that in NYC there are actually men who will kiss a womans' private parts?" And one of her friends pops up and says: " Well what do you call them?" And she says: " Well, after I caught my breath, I called him precious!!!"
Precious
First and foremost no prejudice here ok? ok. Okay here goes:
There was this little southern belle in Georgia. Now, I'm talkin' real southern belle....rich southern daddy and the whole nine yards, who's never been out of the state of Georgia in her whole life. She takes a trip to New York City, (oh boy), She comes back and is having tea with all her little southern belle friends and says: "Do ya' know that in NYC there are men who kiss men and they call them gay." And all her friends say " No way!!!" And she says: " Do ya' know that in NYC there are women who kiss women and they call them lesbians." And all her friends say "Get out!!!" And she says:" And did you know that in NYC there are actually men who will kiss a womans' private parts?" And one of her friends pops up and says: " Well what do you call them?" And she says: " Well, after I caught my breath, I called him precious!!!"
Second one for today:
SAYING GOODBYE TO MOTHER...
> >
> > You Don't Have To Own A Cat To Appreciate This One! You don't even have
> > to like them!
> >
> > We were dressed, and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We
> > turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet
> > parakeet, and put the cat in the backyard.
> >
> > We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and
> > we opened the front door to leave the house.
> >
> > As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard, scoots back
> > into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house. Because she always
> > tries to eat the bird.
> >
> > My wife goes on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat.
> > The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife
> > doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night.
> > So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just
> > going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.'
> >
> > A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said,
> > as we drove away. 'That stupid ..... was hiding under the bed. I had to poke
> > her ... with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so
> > I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her
> > from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ... downstairs and threw
> > her out into the back yard!'
> >
> > The cab driver hit a parked car.
SAYING GOODBYE TO MOTHER...
> >
> > You Don't Have To Own A Cat To Appreciate This One! You don't even have
> > to like them!
> >
> > We were dressed, and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We
> > turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet
> > parakeet, and put the cat in the backyard.
> >
> > We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and
> > we opened the front door to leave the house.
> >
> > As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard, scoots back
> > into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house. Because she always
> > tries to eat the bird.
> >
> > My wife goes on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat.
> > The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife
> > doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night.
> > So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just
> > going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.'
> >
> > A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said,
> > as we drove away. 'That stupid ..... was hiding under the bed. I had to poke
> > her ... with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so
> > I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her
> > from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ... downstairs and threw
> > her out into the back yard!'
> >
> > The cab driver hit a parked car.
1st one for Sunday...Happy Mother's Day!!
A trucker was driving his fully loaded rig to the
top of a steep hill. Just as he was starting down
the equally steep other side, he noticed a man
and a woman lying in the center of the road, making
wild and passionate love. In total disbelief, he blew
his air horn several times as he was bearing down
on them. He realized that they were not going to
stop or get out of his way, so he slammed on his
brakes and stopped just inches from them.
Furious, he got out of the cab and walked to the
front of the truck. He looked down at the two, still
in the road, and yelled, "What the hell's the matter
with you two? Didn't you hear me blowing the horn?
You could have been killed!"
Eventually, the man looked up at the truck driver,
obviously satisfied and not too concerned and said,
"Look, I was coming, she was coming, and you
were coming. You were the only one with brakes!"
A trucker was driving his fully loaded rig to the
top of a steep hill. Just as he was starting down
the equally steep other side, he noticed a man
and a woman lying in the center of the road, making
wild and passionate love. In total disbelief, he blew
his air horn several times as he was bearing down
on them. He realized that they were not going to
stop or get out of his way, so he slammed on his
brakes and stopped just inches from them.
Furious, he got out of the cab and walked to the
front of the truck. He looked down at the two, still
in the road, and yelled, "What the hell's the matter
with you two? Didn't you hear me blowing the horn?
You could have been killed!"
Eventually, the man looked up at the truck driver,
obviously satisfied and not too concerned and said,
"Look, I was coming, she was coming, and you
were coming. You were the only one with brakes!"
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