Free Indulgence Starter Kit Contest from Mister-E-Liquid.com

[hushedpuppy]

A man was waiting for his wife to give birth when the doctor came in and informed the new dad that his son was born without a torso, arms, or legs. The son had only a head! But the dad loved his son anyway, and raised him as well as he could, with love and compassion.

After 21 years, the son was old enough for his first drink. Dad took him to the bar and tearfully told the son he was proud of him. Then Dad ordered up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously, and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy took his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooop! A torso popped out of the bottom of the son's head! The bar was deadly silent, then burst into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begged his son to drink again. The patrons began chanting, "Take another drink!" The bartender stood still, shaking his head in amazement.

Swoooop! Two arms popped out. The bar went wild. The father, crying and wailing, cried for his son to drink again. The patrons continued their chant: "Take another drink!"

But the bartender turned his back at this point, ignoring the whole affair.

By now the boy was getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reached down, grabbed his drink, and guzzled the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs popped out.

By now the bar was in chaos, with the father on his knees, thanking God. The boy stood up on his new legs and stumbled to the left, then to the right, then right through the front door and into the street where a truck ran smack into him, killing him instantly.

The bar fell silent. The father began to softly moan in grief. The bartender picked up the boy's empty glass and began to clean it, muttering, "That boy should have quit while he was a head."

 

[Rachie]

Ok I hope this doesn't offend anyone and if needed can be deleted (it is the only joke I have heard recently and can remember)

In a small rural county, school was in session, the teacher asked Mary Jane to use the word "Handsome" in a sentence. Mary Jane stood up and said " When I am going down on mah boyfriend and mah mouth gets tired....I use mah handsome!"

 

[rege]

what did the redneck say when she was having sex?
get off me pa your crushin my marlbros

 

[rege]

how do you know if a redneck has her period?
shes only wearing one sock

 

[KarrMcDebt]

Little boy and a little girl were playing in the sandbox.
The little boy pulled down his pants and said "I have one of these and you don't!"
The little girl lifted her skirt and said, "Yeah, but with one of these I can have all of those I want!"

 

[rege]

Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods when suddenly the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and, holding a machete to her throat, said, "Red, I'm going to screw your brains out!"

To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket and pulled out a .44 magnum. She pointed it at him and said, "No you're not! You're going to eat me, just like it says in the book!"

 

[Lazerrred]

Forwarded e mails


> > My thanks to all those who have sent me emails this past year........
> >
> > I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat excrement in
> > the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with
> > every envelope that needs sealing.
> >
> > Also,I now have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same
> > reason.
> >
> > I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny
> > Brown); who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
> >
> >
> > I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I
> > receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me
> > for participating in their special e-mail program ....
> >
> > Or from the senior bank clerk in Nigeria who wants me to split $7
> > million with me for pretending to be a long lost relative of a
> > customer who died interstate.
> >
> > I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking
> > out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
> >
> > I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a
> > water buffalo on a hot day.
> >
> > Thanks to you,
> >
> > I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward e-mail
> > to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
> >
> > Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can
> > remove toilet stains.
> >
> > I no longer can buy petrol without taking a friend along to watch the
> > car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling
> > up.
> >
> > I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a
> > aftershave sample and rob me.
> >
> > I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a
> > number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica,
> > Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.
> >
> > Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big
> > brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant
> > death when it bites my ....
> >
> > And thanks to your great advice,
> >
> > I can't even pick up the $50.00 I found dropped in the car park
> > because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting
> > underneath my car to grab my leg.
> >
> > If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next
> > 70 minutes, a large dove with ........ will land on your head at
> > 5:00pm this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your
> > back, causing you to grow a hairy hump.
> >
> > I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my
> > next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's
> > beauticians relative once removed.
> >
> > By the way....a South American scientist after a
> > lengthy study has discovered that people with low IQ who have
> > infrequent sexual activity always read their e-mails with their hand
> > on the mouse.
> >
> > Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late!
> >
> > Have a Happy New Year!!!

 

[hjw100]

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly, the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime want."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific!
The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says 'nothing's wrong,' and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

 

[Steve414]

Romade the chain smoker, was diagnosed of respiratory disease, was advised by his doctor to give up smoking for treatment to be effective.

But Romade refused to stop smoking despite the series of pleas and even threats. Angry Angry

The doctor decided to scare Romade and said. You’ll vomit your lung if you continue smoking.

But Romade remained stubborn and continue smoking. Angry Angry Angry

Finally the doctor decided to make a plan, which he thought, would make Romade quit smoking for good.

The doctor then placed a fresh cow’s lung beside Romade while he was asleep. And then returned one hour after Romade had woken up and asked him,

Did you see your lung?

Yes Romade responded. It was very easy to vomit, but I went through hell swallowing it

 

[spacekitty]

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., that I called the 'Suicide Hotline'.

I got a call center in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck...



(no offense meant)

 

[spacekitty]

The economy is so bad that...

I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon/Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

I saw a Mormon with only one wife.

I bought a toaster oven and my free gift was a bank.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

Motel 6 won't leave the light on anymore.

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

They renamed Wall Street "Wal-Mart Street."

When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

 

[skydragon]

Two five year old boys are sitting in a hospital waiting room. One leans over to the other and says, "What are you in here for?"

The other says, "Circumcision."

The first boy says "Oh, man! I had that done right after I was born. I couldn't walk for a year!"

 

[Richie G]

This guy sees a sign in front of a house "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there.


"You talk?" he asks.


"Yep," the mutt replies.


"So, what's your story?"


The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me
jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running.
The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."


The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says "Ten dollars."


The guy says he'll buy him, but asks the owner, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him for $10?"


The owner replies, "Because he's full of spit. He never did ANY of that stuff".

 

[Jackal3]

Grasshopper walks into a bar and orders a drink. Bartender says "Hey, we got a drink named after you!". Grasshopper says "Really? You have a drink named Phil?".

 

[hushedpuppy]

A coroner being shown around the morgue asked why the three bodies on the slabs were smiling.

The assistant replied the first, an Englishman, won the lottery, suffered a massive heart attack with the shock... Hence the smile on his face.

The second man is Scottish and was visiting a distillery when he fell in a vat of whiskey and drowned... Hence the smile on his face.

The third is an Irishman who was struck by lightening.

"But why has he got a smile on his face?" asked the coroner.

The assistant replied... "He thought he was having his photograph taken!"

 

[RexFollett]

A horny guy sits down in a restaurant as a beautiful waitress walks up and asks "What would you like to drink?" The horny man says "Just a warm glass of your dirty bath water darlin!" That night he was foaming at the mouth in his sleep as he had "WET DREAMS"

"He thought the woman was so hot that he would suck a fart out of her ... through a crazy straw and hold it in like a hit off weed!! humt.. humt... humt.."

The moral of the story is "Watch what you ask for.. You just might get it.."

 

[skydragon]

Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his .... cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and .... and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"

Patton said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," Kathleen said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ..... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

 

[skydragon]

One Sunday, while counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of the Granville Presbyterian church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week. The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.

"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.

"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church."

The pastor asked, "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"

The old lady replied, "$10,000 a week."

The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful! What does he do for a living?"

"He is a veterinarian," she answered.

"That is an honorable profession," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"

The little old lady said proudly, "In Nevada . He has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno."

 

[skydragon]

Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, “Was I getting in or out of the bath?” The 94-year-old yells back, “I don't know. I'll come up and see.” She starts up the stairs and pauses “Was I going up the stairs or down?” The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea and listening to her sisters, she shakes her head and says, “I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood.” She then yells, “I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door.”

 

[rege]

Two blonds had driven across the country to see Disney World in Florida. As they approached it and got onto the final stretch of highway, they saw a sign saying “Disney World Left!” After thinking for a minute, the driver blond said “Oh well!” and started driving back home. ...