Free Indulgence Starter Kit Contest from Mister-E-Liquid.com

[Zen~]

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral
director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no
family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in
the Upstate New York back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a
typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour
late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was
nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they
were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the
side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in
place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I
played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.
I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I
played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept,
we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and
started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never
seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for
twenty years."

 

[RippleInStillWater]

Rick and Bob, a couple of teamsters, are resting by the side of a building after 'working' all day. As they stand there and bs a snail rounds the building corner and slowly slimes in their direction. Rick remarks to Bob, "Hey, check out the snail, how cute!". To Rick's horror, Bob walks over to the snail and smashes it with his boot. Rick explodes, "What the heck did you do that for? It wasn't doing anything!" Bob replies, "That damned snail has been following me all day."

 

[The Rebel]

I went to "Lowes" recently while not being altogether sure
that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had
prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're
definitely going to s**t yourself' road-kill chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the
point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee
from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your .... cheeks WILL
fall off.

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two
cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No
'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way
through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony
referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'.

Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just
when, I bravely set off for "Lowes" Store, my quest being paint
and supplies to refinish the den. Upon entering the store, at first all
seemed normal... I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping
items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the
store from the restrooms that the pain hit me.

Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about...
I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh, ****, gotta go' pain that always seems to
hit us at the wrong time...The thing is, this pain was different. The
habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt.

In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small
intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I
could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet
relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.

There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped
in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded.
I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me.

Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of
my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as clerk
in a red apron turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.

I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his
reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to
dissipate...

Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's
what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate.

I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply watched as
he walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of
odor so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running,
was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though
trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then
made me laugh. ......BIG mistake!!!!!

Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped
down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue
burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that
I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that
someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.

Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I raced
off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the
whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place.

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john,
began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat
because my ... is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in
the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a
gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Son-of-a-.....!, did it smell that
bad when you ate it?', then quickly left.

Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially
filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee
approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few
minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The
manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which
ought to take care of the problem.'

My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to
escape me... The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his
shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted,
'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was
unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly
not to return.

Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to
eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went
to shop at Targets... I can't say anymore about that because we are in
court over the whole matter.

 

[hushedpuppy]

The teacher asks: "Susan, how may fingers do you have?"

Susan: "Ten."

Teacher: "Correct. Now if you lost three of them, what would you have?"

Susan: "No more piano lessons."

 

[Lazerrred]

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."

"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."

"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"

"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat "

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"

"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."

"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.

"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider her mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, um... equipment?"

"It's true, Ma'am, yes. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."

"Tripod?"

"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too heavy to be held in the hand very long."

With that, Mrs. Smith fainted.

 

[Lazerrred]

SKINNY DIPPING

An elderly man in Georgia had owned a large farm for several years. He
had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so
he fixed it up with nice picnic tables, horseshoe courts and some
apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down
to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He
grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared
the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the
deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until
you leave!" The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you
ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the
bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

...Some old men can still think fast.

 

[Lazerrred]

I'll give the old man some C-cups.

There was a farmer with 3 daughters and as they were growing up he was very protective of them. One day they were all of age to start dating, and it happened that they all had their first date on the same night. The farmer, being protective of his daughters decided to meet the men at the door first with his shot gun to make sure they were decent young men for his daughters. The doorbell rang. The farmer answered it and the young man at the door said,
"My name is Joe, I'm here for Flo, we're going to the Show, is she ready to Go?"
The farmer looked him over and decided he was alright and sent the two on their way. A few minutes later the doorbell rang again. The farmer answered and the young man at the door said,
"My name is Eddie, I'm here for Bettie, we're gonna get some Spaghetti, is she ready?"
The farmer decided this guy was alright too, and the two went on their way. The doorbell soon rang a 3rd time and the farmer answered. The young man at the door said,
"My name is Chuck..."
And the farmer shot him.

 

[Lazerrred]

Hang on to any of the new Missouri Quarters. If you have them, they may be worth much more than 25 cents.

The US Mint announced today that it is recalling all of the Missouri quarters that are part of its program featuring quarters from each state. This action is being taken after numerous reports that the new quarters will not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay phones or any other coin operated devices. The problem lies in the unique design of the Missouri quarter, which was designed by a team of Ozark specialists. Apparently, the duct tape holding the two dimes and the nickel together keeps jamming up the machines.

 

[Lazerrred]

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been c hecking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.


Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.


'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.


'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says.


They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.


After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a night of incredible sex.


The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!
'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'


'No,' she replies. . .












Wait for it. .




















It's coming. .














The suspense is killing you, isn't it?












She says:






'You just happened to catch my eye.'

 

[Lazerrred]

A husband took his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the

wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the

biggest house adjacent to the course.





The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to

go

up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive

is

going to cost us."





So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm

voice said, "Come on in." When they opened the door they saw the

damage

that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique

bottle

was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass. A man

reclining

on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my

window?"





"Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.



"Oh, no apology is necessary.

Actually I want to thank you.





You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a

thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant

three

wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep

the last one for myself."





"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and

blurted

out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No

problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And

I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"





"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked. "I'd

like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country

in

the world," she said.

"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be

safe

from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"



"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a

woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your

wife."





The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we

both

now have a fortune, and all those houses What do you think?" She

mulled

it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right.





Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about

you, honey?"





You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. I'd do the same

for

you!"





So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of

the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After

about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked

directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"

"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.





"No Kidding," he said." Thirty-five years old.....and both of you

still

believe in genies?

 

[Lazerrred]

SUBJECT: MY EX-WIFE, THE PILOT


My ex-wife started taking flying lessons about the time our divorce started and she got her license shortly before our divorce was final, later that same year.

Yesterday afternoon, she narrowly escaped injury in the aircraft she was piloting when she was forced to make an emergency landing in Southern Tennessee because of bad weather. Thank God our kids were with me at the Beach House this weekend.

The NTSB issued a preliminary report, citing pilot error: Judy was flying a single engine aircraft in IFR (instrument flight rating) conditions while only having obtained a VFR (visual flight rating) rating.

The absence of a post-crash fire was likely due to insufficient fuel on board. No one on the ground was injured.

The photograph below was taken at the scene and shows the extent of damage to her aircraft.

She was very lucky.


v



v



v



v



v



v



v



v



v



v

 

[Lazerrred]

Clothing Sale
Bubba didn't know what the sign in the store window meant when he concocted an idea.

The sign said "Suits $5.00 each, Shirts $2.00 each, Trousers $2.50 per pair".

Bubba says to his pal, "Billy Ray, Look! We could buy a whole lot of those, and when we get back to Arkansas, we could make a fortune. Now when we go into the shop, you be quiet, okay? Just let me do all the talking cause if they hear our accent, they might not be nice to us. I'll speak in my best Texas drawl."

They go in and Bubba says, "I'll take 50 suits at $5.00 each, 100 shirts at $2.00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at $2.50 each. I'll back up my pickup and ......"

The owner of the shop interrupts, "You're from Arkansas, aren't you?"

"Well...yes," says a surprised Bubba. "How come you know that?"

The owner says, "This is a dry cleaners."

 

[Lazerrred]

the virgins.....
a young boy and his girlfriend had discussed doing the deed, and wanted to have a special occasion. that day came when the girl call the boy and said "since you are meeting my parents for the first time tonight at our family dinner, after we eat, you and i are going to find some privacy and make a memory. the boy agrees and is so excited he heads to the drug store to pick some "supplies" and get some advice from the pharmicist on duty. the young boy explained their plans in full and ask for al the advise he had to offer. after the pharmicist explained how to be careful and reccomended he use protection, he leads the boy over to the condom section and ask if he would like the 3 pack, 8 pack or the family value pack of 24. the boy replies that being their first time he plans on multiple times and going at it all night. he pics the 24 pac and heads home to prepare for the dinner.

That evening he arrives at the girls house and she greets him at the door. they say their hellos and head to the table and sit down. a few seconds later, the parents bring in the food and takes their seats at the table. the young boy quickly insists on saying the blessing and everyone closes their eyes and bowes their heads.....after about 5 min of silence the girl leans over and quietly says "i had no idea you were this religious" and the young man replies......


"i had no idea your dad is a pharmiscist"


long but worth it
__________________

 

[Lazerrred]

One liners

1. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my
blood alcohol content.



2. I live in my own little world but it's OK, everyone
knows me here.



3. I saw a rather large woman wearing a sweatshirt with
'Guess' on it. I asked," Thyroid problem?"



4. I don't do drugs 'cause I find I get the same effect
just by standing up really fast.



5. Sign In Chinese Pet Store:" Buy one dog, get one
flea..."



6. Money can't buy happiness but it sure makes misery
easier to live with



7. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a
screamer or a moaner.



8. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport
the "terminal"?



9. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too
many of them get elected.



10. The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has
absolutely no trade-in value.



11. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals
you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.



12. I love being married. It's so great to find that one
special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.



13. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at
bowling alleys.



14. I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, and therefore I am
perfect.



15. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of
consecutive days I've stayed alive.


16. That Claudia Schiffer must be a genius because I
told a friend my plan to attain world peace, and he told me I
have
"Schiffer Brains."



17. No one ever says "It's only a game!" when their team
is winning.



18. How long a minute is, depends on what side of the
bathroom door you're on.



19. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like
having a ...... section in a swimming pool?



20. Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed
with a relative.



21. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't
want to see naked?



22. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.



23. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear
Mom's wise words: Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's
been!"

 

[Lazerrred]

A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both married to
other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Trans-continental train.


Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly.....


He in the upper bunk and she in the lower.



At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,



"Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?

I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied. "Get your own ****in blanket."

After a moment of silence, he farted.

 

[Lazerrred]

Should children witness childbirth ?

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The
house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl
to hold a flashlight high over her Mommy so he could see while he
helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was
asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Conner was
born. Then the paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on
his bottom.
Conner began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the
wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.
Kathleen quickly responded,
"He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place......smack his ... again !"

If you don't laugh at this one, there's no hope for you.

 

[skydragon]

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

 

[skydragon]

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah?" said Charlie , "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees."

"Really," said Charles, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken!!!!!"

 

[RippleInStillWater]

.... Cheney died and went to heaven..............





Edit: It deleted his first name!!!!! Now that's a joke!
Hmmm, let me try other Dicks laugh, it just might be a political statement)........... Van ...., .... Armey, .... Phelan (my favorite politico name ever!)

 

[rege]

There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long
business trip.
He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else.
So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him.

He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation. The old man said,
"Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on,
but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for
weeks, except -- " and he stopped.

"Except what?" the man asked.

"Nothing, nothing."

"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"

"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the
'voodoo .....'"

"So what's up with this voodoo ....?" he asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old
wooden box, carved with strange symbols.
He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big ....ing deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"

The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."
He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo ...., the door."
The voodoo .... rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle.

Before the door could split, the old man said "Voodoo ...., get back in
your box!"
The voodoo .... stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more.

"I'll take it!" said the businessman.

The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally
surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo ...., my ......"
He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone.

After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny.
She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo ..... She got it out, and said "Voodoo ...., my .....!" The voodoo .... shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever
experienced before.
After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked.

Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off.
So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help.
She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to
the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo.
On the
way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.

Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo .... was stuck in her ....., and wouldn't stop screwing.

The officer looked at her for a second, and then said "Yea, right. Voodoo ...., my ...!"