Free Indulgence Starter Kit Contest from Mister-E-Liquid.com

[kushka]

It was the coldest night of the year. A little bird was up high up on an electric wire freezing to death. She believed nothing could be worst.

The wind came by and pushed her straight down into a newly “planted” mound of cow dung.

But; The cow dung was so warm that she started to feel the blood start flowing through her frozen body thawing her out. She was alive and warm! It felt so go she broke out in the most beautiful bird song.

A passing cat heard her song, dug her out, and ate her.

Life lesson #1 – Every one who pushes you down into a pile of sh(i)t is not necessarily your enemy

Life lesson #2 - Everyone who digs you out of a pile of of sh(i)t is not necessarily your friend

Life lesson #3 – When you are in a pile of sh(i)t; the best thing to do is to keep your mouth shut.

 

[rege]

The teacher walks into the room and says... "OK class today word is DEFINITELY, can anyone use the word in a sentence."

Little Susie stands up and say "The sky is DEFINITELY blue."

The teacher says; "Not necessarily Susie, it can be blue, gray, or black, but nice try."

Little Johnny is in the back of the room and is waving his hands back and forth.

The teacher says " Yes Johnny, What is it?"

Johnny says " I have a question."

OK lets hear it, says the teacher.

Johnny says "Do Farts have lumps?"

The teacher says, "Well no they don't."

Little Johnny says "Well then I DEFINITELY just sh(i)t my pants!!!"

 

[sensay]

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who's best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: "When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion." "I found a bear by the stream," says the minister, "and preached God's Holy Word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him." They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. "Looking back," he says, "maybe I shouldn't have started with the circumcision.

 

[rege]

A blind man walks into a dinner and sits down at a booth. The Waiter walks up to his table.

"What can I get you today?" says the Waiter.

"I have a kind of strange request." says the blind man.

"What’s that?" says the Waiter.

"Can I have the unwashed fork of the person you waited on before me?" says the blind man.

The waiter thinks for a minute.

"Um ok" says the waiter.

The Waiter brings the blind man the fork and the blind man slips it into his mouth. He sucks on it for a short time.

"The meat loaf and mash potatoes are delicious I’ll have that" says the blind man.

The waiter is grossed out but also impressed he was right about the dish. The blind man eats tips very well and leaves. The blind man comes back the next two days in a row with the same request and both times he was correct about the dish of the person before him. The next day when he arrives the Waiter notices him walking in.

"Jenny, Jenny" the Waiter says flagging down a Waitress he works with.

"This time I wanna have some fun with this fun. Here put this into your panties." He says as he hands Jenny a fork. Jenny giggles and does as he asked. He walks but to the table with the fork in hand ready for the blind mans daily request. The blind man as always asks for the fork of the person waited on before him. The Waiter hands him the fork fighting his laughter. The blind man pops in into his mouth.

"hmmmmm." says the blind man sucking the fork for a short time

"I had no idea Jenny worked here!"

 

[RippleInStillWater]

During a football game a Packers fan and a Bears fan meet in the bathroom at the urinals. They finish up, eyeing each other warily, and zip up. They turn around and the Packers fan heads to the sink , the Bears fan out the door. The Packers fan clears his throat and remarks, "You know, in Greeen Bay, we wash our hands after going to the bathroom." The Bears fan paused and retorted, "That's nice but here in Chicago we don't p@#$ on our hands!"

 

[rege]

A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine year old son in the closet.

One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well. Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?"

"Yes it is," the man replies.

"You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks.

"No thanks," the man replies.

"I think you do want to buy a baseball," the little extortionist continues.

"OK. How much?" the man replies after considering the position he is in.

"Twenty-five dollars," the little boy replies.

"TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!" the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden position.

The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy.

"It's dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off.

"Yes it is," replies the man.

"Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks.

"OK. How much?" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage.

"Fifty dollars," the boy replies and the transaction is completed.

The next weekend, the little boy's father says "Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we'll play some catch."

"I can't. I sold them," replies the little boy.

"How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy.

"Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says.

"SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness," the father explains as he hauls the child away.

At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says "It's dark in here, isn't it?"

"Don't you start that .... in here," the priest says!

 

[AC0J]

A man woke up the morning after a drunken outing. When he went to the bathroom he noticed a brown ring and a red ring on his "manhood" He went to the doctor. after some tests the doctor came back and said I have good news and bad news. The red ring was lipstick, and the brown ring was chewing tobacco.

 

[AC0J]

How do you get a blonde with one arm out of a tree?
Wave at her.

 

[AC0J]

A bum walks into a bar with a pig, the bartender says "are you kidding me? we dont serve disgusting filthy things like that in here!" So the pig says "well I guess he can wait outside, I'll have a beer"

 

[rege]

how do you drown a blond?
put a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool

 

[Heartisan]

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

 

[Heartisan]

At a paternity trial, the blonde's lawyer asked, "On the night of July 16th last, at approximately 11:45 p.m., in the locale known generally as 'Lover's Lane' did the defendant have sexual relations with you?"

"Yes," whispered the girl, her head bowed.

"And did the defendant on that occasion, to the best of your knowledge, have a climax?" the lawyer continued.

"Oh no," she replied, "I'm pretty sure... he had one of them fancy Mitsubishis."

 

[Heartisan]

A guy arrives at the Pearly Gates. He has to wait to be admitted, while St. Pete leafs through his Big Book.

He's checking to see if the guy is worthy of entry or not. Saint Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did lots of good in your life but, you never did anything bad either.
Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you're in."

The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Well, there was this one time when I was drivin' down the highway and I saw a Biker Gang assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, that's what they were doing. There were about 50 of 'em torturing this chick.
Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron from my trunk and walked straight up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the Gang formed a circle all around me.
So I ripped the leader's chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone, you slime! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'"

St. Peter, extremely impressed, says, "Really? Wow, when did all this happen?"
"Er.. about two minutes ago."

 

[skydragon]

At my recent assault trial, I offered a plea of "Guilty with an explanation." The judge asked me what my explanation was, so I told my story.
"Your Honor," I said, "I had a mammogram appointment, which I actually kept. I was met with: 'Hi! I'm Belinda!' This perky clipboard carrier smiled from ear to ear, tilted her head to one side and crooned, 'All I need you to do is step into this room right here, strip to the waist, then slip on this gown. Everything clear?' I'm thinking, 'Belinda, try decaf. This ain't rocket science.' Belinda skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors.

With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, 'Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?' 'Fine', I answered. I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck and finish me off? My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other breast wedged between those two 4 inch pieces of square glass) when we heard, then felt a zap!
Complete darkness and the power went off! 'Oh, maintenance is working. Bet they hit a snag.' Belinda said, and headed for the door. 'Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise alone are you?' I shouted. Belinda kept going and said, 'Oh, you fussy puppy...the door's wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be right back.'

Before I could shout 'NOOOO!' she disappeared. And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, maintenance men extraordinaire, found me ... half-naked with part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life, and the other part smashed between glass! After exchanging a polite 'Hi, how's it going' type greeting, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off. Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible 'Uh, yes, yes I did thanks.' 'You bet, take care' Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I'd been standing in the line at the grocery store.
Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin. Making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, 'Oh I am sooo sorry!' The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?'
And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps...."
The judge could hardly contain her laughter as she said 'Case Dismissed!!'..

 

[skydragon]

An Irishman , a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on
scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said,'Corned beef and cabbage!
If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to
jump off this building.'

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, 'Burritos again! If I
get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too.'

The blonde opened his lunch and said, 'Bolognaagain! If I get a bologna
sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too..'

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and
cabbage, and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.


The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death
as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, 'If I'd known
how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have
given it to him again!'

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, 'I could have given him tacos or
enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much.'


Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said,
'Don't look at me. The idiot makes his own lunch.'

 

[skydragon]

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

 

[tyrible]

A sailor walks into the USO and sees a couple of soldiers playing pool. As he is waiting his turn to play next game, he gets comfortable and takes off his shoes. He then asks if either of them want anything to drink and 1 soldier says "sure how about a coke". As the sailor is leaving 1 of the soldiers spits in one of his shoes.
When the sailor returns the other soldier says "sorry salty, I would really like one myself". So, being cordial, the sailor steps out to get the drink and the soldier spits in the sailors other shoe.
Once the balls are re-racked and the sailor is at the table for his shot, he is looking down the cue and asks "How long is this gonna go on?"
The soldier he is playing tells him "till the balls are pocketed"
The sailor looks at him and says "that's not what I am talking about, I am referring to the spitting in my shoes and the pissing in the cokes"

 

[hushedpuppy]

"Doctor, please kiss me," pleads the woman patient.

"No, I'm sorry, that would be against the code of ethics," the doc replies.

Ten minutes later the patient says, "Doctor, please, kiss me just once."

"No, I'm sorry, I just can't," he says.

Five minutes later she asks again, "Please, please kiss me."

"Look," says the doc, "it's out of the question. In fact, I probably shouldn't even be having sex with you."

 

[sensay]

INSTRUCTIONS FOR GIVING YOUR CAT A PILL

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.
4. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
5. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
6. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
7. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from below spouse's armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
8. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
9. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
10. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
11. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
12. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint of water down throat to wash pill down.
13. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room; sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table.
14. Arrange for vet to make a house call.

 

[firhill]

A guy pays his family doctor a visit as he has developed a huge rash shaped like an "O" on his chest.
Doc is stymied 'til he asks his patient if he had sex the previous night. Upon finding out that he did, he asked if his girlfriend is a university student and if so, which one she attends.
The guy tells the doctor his g'friend attends the University of Ohio. Doctor immediately figures out the problem and tells him to have his girlfriend remove the university sweater during sex as the material is causing the problem.

Next day, another college guy shows up at the doctor's office with a huge rash that looks like an "I" on his chest.
The doctor checks it out and asks what Univ. his girlfriend attends and when he tells the doctor it's Indiana, he quickly reminds the student to have his girlfriend remove her Indiana sweater before sex.

Couple of days later, a hot looking college chick shows up at his office complaining of a rash on her chest. Doc tells her to take her top off so he can have a look. Sure enough, the rash is in the shape of a giant "M".
Doctor look at the babe and asks her if per chance, she has a boyfriend that attends the University of Michigan.

Hot babe replies "No, I don't, but my girlfriend attends the University of Wisconsin"