Free Indulgence Starter Kit Contest from Mister-E-Liquid.com
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Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. Ill go into town for a doctor, the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the towns only doctor, who is delivering a baby. I cant leave, the doctor says. But heres what to do: take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison, and spit it on the ground. The guy runs back to his friend, who is in agony. What did the doctor say? the victim asks. He says youre gonna die.
Johnny is poor and has been all his life. He doesn't mind it much, except for the fact that every year when the circus comes to town, he never gets to see it. The years pass and every year he watches the circus come and go with a tear in his eye. Then one year as the circus is leaving, he snaps. "Screw it," he says." I'm going to get myself a job so I can see the circus."
The next day he applies for a job at a supermarket stacking shelves. He gets this job and works his heart out. He works every night stacking shelves, earning money. He spends very little, and saves heaps. He is the best worker the supermarket has ever seen. A year passes, and the circus comes to town.
As soon as the gates to the circus open, Johnny races up, first in line to buy a ticket. the excitement overwhelms him. He walks around the circus. He sees the animals, the freak show, buys a hot dog, plays on the clowns. And then he sees it, what he's been waiting for all these years...The Big Top.
Johnny races into the tent and takes a seat. Pretty soon the tent fills up and the show begins. It's a packed house and the buzz is electric. The dancing horses come out, then the elephants, then everyone's favorite, the clowns. The clowns run around and do their act making everyone laugh. When all this is finished, the head clown picks up a microphone and says "Now we'd like to pick a member of the audience to help with our show."
All the lights go out and a spotlight circles the crowd. and, as luck should have it, it lands on Johnny. Johnny is ecstatic, he nearly ....s his pants with excitement. He can't believe his luck. The head clown comes up to him and says..
"Hey mister, are you the horse's head?"
"No." Johnny replies.
"Are you the horse's ear?"
"No"
"Are you the horse's tail?"
"No"
"Then you must be the horse's BUM!!!!"
And then whole tent erupts into fits of laughter all of Johnny's expense. Everyone is laughing, except for Johnny. He's mad as hell. He vows then and there that next year, when the circus comes to town, he'll get his revenge on the clown.
As he's walking home, still fuming from the humiliation that the clown caused, Johnny thinks of ways that he can get back at the clown. Death, violence, poisoning....and then it hits him. Johnny will give the clown a taste of his own medicine. Next year, Johnny will blast the clown with the biggest insult ever!
The next morning Johnny flips through the phonebook looking for someone who can help him with his revenge. Then he finds an ad.
INSULT SCHOOL
Sick of being picked on? Come to our school and soon you'll be verbally attacking people with vigor!
'This is just what I need!!!" says Johnny. So he rings up the school and enrolls the next day.
So every day Johnny goes to the insult school, studying hard so he can learn the best and most harsh insult so he can get back at the clown. On top of this, he still stacks shelves at the supermarket to get the money for the circus. Day in, day out Johnny works his ... off.
Then his day arrives...
As soon as the circus opens it's gates Johnny barges to the front of the line, pushing people out of his way. No longer is he a kind, considerate man. He's mad as hell and bent on revenge. He gives the ticket seller the money, snatches the ticket and storms off.
He sees all the regular circus stuff. The animals, the freaks, the clowns. He's so excited that he goes into the Big Top an hour before the show starts, just so he can get a good seat. The tent begins to fill up and the show starts...
The dancing horses come out, Johnny yawns. Then the elephants, Johnny tries to stay awake. And then the act Johnny has waited a year for, the clowns. The clowns run around and do their act making everyone laugh. Johnny wonders why everyone is laughing, it's the same stuff they did last year. When all this is finished, the head clown picks up a microphone, exactly the same as last year, and says "Now we'd like to pick a member of the audience to help with our show."
All the lights go out and a spotlight circles the crowd. and, as luck should have it again, it lands on Johnny. Johnny sits cool, calm and collected. The head clown comes up to him and says..
"Hey mister, are you the horse's head?"
"No." Johnny replies.
"Are you the horse's ear?"
"No"
"Are you the horse's tail?"
"No"
"Then you must be the horse's BUM!!!!"
And again the whole tent erupts with laughter. Except for Johnny. He sits there staring straight at the clown, a look of pure evil and hate on his face. The laughter quickly dies down as everyone knows something is going to happen. The crowd watched. This is Johnny's moment. He takes a deep breath, looks at the clown and says...
SCREW YOU CLOWN!!!
The next day he applies for a job at a supermarket stacking shelves. He gets this job and works his heart out. He works every night stacking shelves, earning money. He spends very little, and saves heaps. He is the best worker the supermarket has ever seen. A year passes, and the circus comes to town.
As soon as the gates to the circus open, Johnny races up, first in line to buy a ticket. the excitement overwhelms him. He walks around the circus. He sees the animals, the freak show, buys a hot dog, plays on the clowns. And then he sees it, what he's been waiting for all these years...The Big Top.
Johnny races into the tent and takes a seat. Pretty soon the tent fills up and the show begins. It's a packed house and the buzz is electric. The dancing horses come out, then the elephants, then everyone's favorite, the clowns. The clowns run around and do their act making everyone laugh. When all this is finished, the head clown picks up a microphone and says "Now we'd like to pick a member of the audience to help with our show."
All the lights go out and a spotlight circles the crowd. and, as luck should have it, it lands on Johnny. Johnny is ecstatic, he nearly ....s his pants with excitement. He can't believe his luck. The head clown comes up to him and says..
"Hey mister, are you the horse's head?"
"No." Johnny replies.
"Are you the horse's ear?"
"No"
"Are you the horse's tail?"
"No"
"Then you must be the horse's BUM!!!!"
And then whole tent erupts into fits of laughter all of Johnny's expense. Everyone is laughing, except for Johnny. He's mad as hell. He vows then and there that next year, when the circus comes to town, he'll get his revenge on the clown.
As he's walking home, still fuming from the humiliation that the clown caused, Johnny thinks of ways that he can get back at the clown. Death, violence, poisoning....and then it hits him. Johnny will give the clown a taste of his own medicine. Next year, Johnny will blast the clown with the biggest insult ever!
The next morning Johnny flips through the phonebook looking for someone who can help him with his revenge. Then he finds an ad.
INSULT SCHOOL
Sick of being picked on? Come to our school and soon you'll be verbally attacking people with vigor!
'This is just what I need!!!" says Johnny. So he rings up the school and enrolls the next day.
So every day Johnny goes to the insult school, studying hard so he can learn the best and most harsh insult so he can get back at the clown. On top of this, he still stacks shelves at the supermarket to get the money for the circus. Day in, day out Johnny works his ... off.
Then his day arrives...
As soon as the circus opens it's gates Johnny barges to the front of the line, pushing people out of his way. No longer is he a kind, considerate man. He's mad as hell and bent on revenge. He gives the ticket seller the money, snatches the ticket and storms off.
He sees all the regular circus stuff. The animals, the freaks, the clowns. He's so excited that he goes into the Big Top an hour before the show starts, just so he can get a good seat. The tent begins to fill up and the show starts...
The dancing horses come out, Johnny yawns. Then the elephants, Johnny tries to stay awake. And then the act Johnny has waited a year for, the clowns. The clowns run around and do their act making everyone laugh. Johnny wonders why everyone is laughing, it's the same stuff they did last year. When all this is finished, the head clown picks up a microphone, exactly the same as last year, and says "Now we'd like to pick a member of the audience to help with our show."
All the lights go out and a spotlight circles the crowd. and, as luck should have it again, it lands on Johnny. Johnny sits cool, calm and collected. The head clown comes up to him and says..
"Hey mister, are you the horse's head?"
"No." Johnny replies.
"Are you the horse's ear?"
"No"
"Are you the horse's tail?"
"No"
"Then you must be the horse's BUM!!!!"
And again the whole tent erupts with laughter. Except for Johnny. He sits there staring straight at the clown, a look of pure evil and hate on his face. The laughter quickly dies down as everyone knows something is going to happen. The crowd watched. This is Johnny's moment. He takes a deep breath, looks at the clown and says...
SCREW YOU CLOWN!!!
An elderly couple goes to Burger King, where they carefully split a burger and fries. A trucker takes pity on them and offers to buy the wife her own meal.
"It's all right," says the husband. "We share everything."
A few minutes later, the trucker notices that the wife hasn't taken a bite. "I really wouldn't mind buying your wife her own meal," he insists.
"She'll eat," the husband assures him. "We share everything."
Unconvinced, the trucker implores the wife, "Why aren't you eating?"
The wife snaps, "Because I'm waiting for the teeth!"
"It's all right," says the husband. "We share everything."
A few minutes later, the trucker notices that the wife hasn't taken a bite. "I really wouldn't mind buying your wife her own meal," he insists.
"She'll eat," the husband assures him. "We share everything."
Unconvinced, the trucker implores the wife, "Why aren't you eating?"
The wife snaps, "Because I'm waiting for the teeth!"
MY DADDY IS AN EXOTIC DANCER
One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did
for a living. All the typical answers came up -- fireman, mechanic,
businessman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.
However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the
teacher prodded him about his father, he finally replied, "Okay...my
father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes
in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if
the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with
him all night for money."
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other
children to work on some exercises and then took little Justin aside to
ask him, "'Is that really true about your father?"
'No', the boy said, "He actually works for the Democratic National
Committee and helped get Barack Obama elected President last year, but I
was too embarrassed to say that in front of the class."
One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did
for a living. All the typical answers came up -- fireman, mechanic,
businessman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.
However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the
teacher prodded him about his father, he finally replied, "Okay...my
father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes
in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if
the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with
him all night for money."
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other
children to work on some exercises and then took little Justin aside to
ask him, "'Is that really true about your father?"
'No', the boy said, "He actually works for the Democratic National
Committee and helped get Barack Obama elected President last year, but I
was too embarrassed to say that in front of the class."
Subject: Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline
Hello, Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what
you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice
will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number
you press. No one will answer.
If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware
that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and
about to bite off your ear.
Hello, Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what
you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice
will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number
you press. No one will answer.
If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware
that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and
about to bite off your ear.
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."
Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"
"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone."
"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."
Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"
"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone."
"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."
A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: "Wow! That is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man."
The other man replies, "Yeah, well, we were married 35 years."
I really want this, I've never won a contest....
The other man replies, "Yeah, well, we were married 35 years."
I really want this, I've never won a contest....
Two guys are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, “I slept with your mother!” The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, “I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!”
The other says, “Go home dad you’re drunk.”
The other says, “Go home dad you’re drunk.”
Three guys die and go to hell.
When they arrive the devil informs them that he is going to remove their penises.
"Oh, how are you going to do it", asks one of the guys.
"Whatever your fathers jobs were, that's how I'll remove them" says the devil.
So he calls over the first guy "Your father was a lumberjack... So I'll cut it off with a saw"
To the second guy he says "Your father was a blacksmith... So I'm going to burn it off"
As he calls the third guy over he notices he's smiling.
"Why are you smiling, you just watched me remove your friends penises" says the devil.
"I know" replies the man "but my father was a popsicle maker"
When they arrive the devil informs them that he is going to remove their penises.
"Oh, how are you going to do it", asks one of the guys.
"Whatever your fathers jobs were, that's how I'll remove them" says the devil.
So he calls over the first guy "Your father was a lumberjack... So I'll cut it off with a saw"
To the second guy he says "Your father was a blacksmith... So I'm going to burn it off"
As he calls the third guy over he notices he's smiling.
"Why are you smiling, you just watched me remove your friends penises" says the devil.
"I know" replies the man "but my father was a popsicle maker"
Tom and Clark were standing on the roof of their building drinking a few beers on their break and Clark said, "Hey Tom, did you know that if you jump off this building, after you get down so far, a draft will pull you back inside the building on the third floor?"
"Get outta here," said Clark.
"No I'm serious, watch me."
Clark hopped off the building and sure enough, he was taken in by the draft at the third floor window. He took the elevator back to the top and Tom and a security guard that arrived were standing there, Tom in awe.
"I can't believe it." Said Tom.
"I know you should try it Tom."
So Tom hopped off and plunged to the ground.
"You can be a real jerk when you're drunk, Superman." said the security guard.
"Get outta here," said Clark.
"No I'm serious, watch me."
Clark hopped off the building and sure enough, he was taken in by the draft at the third floor window. He took the elevator back to the top and Tom and a security guard that arrived were standing there, Tom in awe.
"I can't believe it." Said Tom.
"I know you should try it Tom."
So Tom hopped off and plunged to the ground.
"You can be a real jerk when you're drunk, Superman." said the security guard.
THE PHARMACIST'S MONDAY
Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained,
"It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."
Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him,
"Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it.. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I'd locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys.
"Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire."
"When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook."
He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor..I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke."
"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.
And believe me mister, as God is my witness,
"all I did was tell her."
Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained,
"It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."
Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him,
"Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it.. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I'd locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys.
"Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire."
"When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook."
He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor..I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke."
"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.
And believe me mister, as God is my witness,
"all I did was tell her."
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: “Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see.”
Watson replied: “I see millions and millions of stars.”
Holmes said: “and what do you deduce from that?”
Watson replied: “Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like earth out there. And if there are a few planets like earth out there, there might also be life.”
And Holmes said: “Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent.”
Watson replied: “I see millions and millions of stars.”
Holmes said: “and what do you deduce from that?”
Watson replied: “Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like earth out there. And if there are a few planets like earth out there, there might also be life.”
And Holmes said: “Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent.”
Two guys sitting at a bar. First man says" my mother on law is an angel". The second man chokes down his beer and replies. "Dam your lucky, mines still alive! "
A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The police man approaches the driver's door.
"Is there a problem Officer?"
The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"
The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."
"You don't have one?"
The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."
The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"
"I'm sorry, I can't do that."
The policeman says, "Why not?"
"I stole this car."
The officer says, "Stole it?"
The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."
At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what!?"
"She's in the boot if you want to see."
The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
The senior officer says "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"
The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem sir?"
"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."
"Murdered the owner?"
The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?"
The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.
The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"
The man says "Yes," and hands over the registration papers.
The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license."
The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, stole this car, and murdered the owner."
The man replies, "I bet you the lying ....... told you I was speeding, too!"
"Is there a problem Officer?"
The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"
The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."
"You don't have one?"
The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."
The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"
"I'm sorry, I can't do that."
The policeman says, "Why not?"
"I stole this car."
The officer says, "Stole it?"
The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."
At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what!?"
"She's in the boot if you want to see."
The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
The senior officer says "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"
The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem sir?"
"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."
"Murdered the owner?"
The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?"
The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.
The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"
The man says "Yes," and hands over the registration papers.
The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license."
The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, stole this car, and murdered the owner."
The man replies, "I bet you the lying ....... told you I was speeding, too!"
Two guys are bungee jumping one day. The first guy says to the second, "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee jumping service in Mexico."
The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two of them pool their money and buy everything they'll need - a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.
They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work.
The first guy jumps to test the equipment. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, the second guy isn't able catch him, he falls again, bounces and comes back up again.
This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, the second guy misses him. The first guy falls again and bounces back up. This time, he comes back and he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.
Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"
The first guy says, "No, the cord was fine. Hey, what the heck is a 'pinata'?"
The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two of them pool their money and buy everything they'll need - a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.
They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work.
The first guy jumps to test the equipment. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, the second guy isn't able catch him, he falls again, bounces and comes back up again.
This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, the second guy misses him. The first guy falls again and bounces back up. This time, he comes back and he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.
Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"
The first guy says, "No, the cord was fine. Hey, what the heck is a 'pinata'?"
Last night, my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'
They got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine.
They got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine.
Heckle and Jeckle were making a local furniture delivery, when they came to a railroad overpass with a sign that read "warning clearance 13' with that they looked at the top of their box truck , which read "Clearance 14'2"
Looking at each other and shrugging, they said what'ya think we should do?
Heckle, looked at Jeckle and said I don't see any cops, let's make a run for it................
Looking at each other and shrugging, they said what'ya think we should do?
Heckle, looked at Jeckle and said I don't see any cops, let's make a run for it................
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