Free Indulgence Starter Kit Contest from Mister-E-Liquid.com

[ddrj]

One last one:

At a world brewing convention in the States, the CEOs of various Brewing organizations retired to the bar at the end of each day's conference.

Bruce, CEO of Fosters, shouted to the Barman: "In 'Strylya, we make the best bladdy beer in the world, so pour me a Bladdy Fosters, mate."

Bob, CEO of Budweiser, calls out next: "In the States, we brew the finest beers in the world, and I make the King of them all; gimme a Bud."

Hans steps up next: "In Germany ve invented das beer, verdamt. Give me ein Becks, ya ist Der real King of beers, danke."

Paddy, CEO of Guinness, steps forward "Barman, would ya give me a doyet coke wid ice and lemon. tanks."

The others stare at him in stunned silence, amazement written all over their faces. Eventually Bruce asks, "Are you not going to have a Guinness, Pat?"

Paddy replies: "Well, if you fookin' pansies aren't drinkin', then neither am I".

 

[iamdougm]

Baby seal walks into a club...

 

[iamdougm]

Ya know the difference between meat and fish?

If ya beat your fish it'll die.

 

[spacekitty]

Two men walked into a bar.... the third one ducked.

 

[QueenVictoria]

What did the potato chip say to the battery?


If you're Eveready,I'm Frito-Lay.

 

[spacekitty]

Stevie Ray Vaughn has his tragic accident, passes on and wakes up in a beautiful field.

He hears the most incredible 3 piece harmony coming from up on a hill.

He goes up the hill, and it's Elvis, Buddy Holly, and Roy Orbison, warming up.

Stevie says, "Wow. This is beautiful. I'm in Rock and Roll Heaven".

Elvis replies, "It aint heaven, man. Come with us."

They walk over to the next hill where he hears the most incredible guitar playing ever.

Of Course, It's Jimi Hendrix. Stevie gets real excited "I know this is rock and roll heaven." he shouts.

Jimi unplugs his Strat and replies, "It ain't heaven man. Come with us"

They walk over to the next hill and hear thunder. No, it's not thunder, its John Bonham, warming up the Ludwigs.

Stevie breaks away from the group and runs over to Bonzo shouting "I'm in Rock and Roll Heaven. I"m in Rock and Roll Heaven".

Bonzo replies, "Trust me. It ain't heaven man. Plug in here."

They're joined by the rest and everybody plugs in. About that time Karen Carpenter sits down at the drums and says,

"Ok boys, Rainy Days and Mondays. A one, A two...."

 

[spacekitty]

What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion??

A piece of @$$ that'll bring tears to your eyes!!

 

[spacekitty]

Why do men like women with large breasts and tight ??

Because they all have big mouths and little !!

 

[Chingas]

Heaven: Living in an English house on an American salary with a Chinese chef and a Japanese wife.

Hell: Living in a Japanese house on a Chinese salary with an English chef and an American wife.

 

[Chingas]

"What kind of bees make milk?"

















Boo-Bees!

 

[dmdonald2]

During an exam, a police recruit was asked what he would do if his job required him to arrest his own mother. His response was, "Call for backup."

 

[dmdonald2]

Joe Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN) for 6 a.m. While his coffee pot (MADE IN CHINA) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG). He put on a dress shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA), designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE) and tennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA).

After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE IN INDIA) he sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO) to see how much he could spend today. After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN) to the radio (MADE IN INDIA) he got in his car (MADE IN GERMANY) and continued his search for a good paying AMERICAN JOB. At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day, Joe decided to relax for a while. He put on his sandals (MADE IN BRAZIL) poured himself a glass of wine (MADE IN FRANCE) and turned on his TV (MADE IN INDONESIA), and then wondered why he can't find a good paying job in.....AMERICA.....

 

[danbob987]

Hahah these are all great!!!!

 

[danbob987]

One last one:

At a world brewing convention in the States, the CEOs of various Brewing organizations retired to the bar at the end of each day's conference.

Bruce, CEO of Fosters, shouted to the Barman: "In 'Strylya, we make the best bladdy beer in the world, so pour me a Bladdy Fosters, mate."

Bob, CEO of Budweiser, calls out next: "In the States, we brew the finest beers in the world, and I make the King of them all; gimme a Bud."

Hans steps up next: "In Germany ve invented das beer, verdamt. Give me ein Becks, ya ist Der real King of beers, danke."

Paddy, CEO of Guinness, steps forward "Barman, would ya give me a doyet coke wid ice and lemon. tanks."

The others stare at him in stunned silence, amazement written all over their faces. Eventually Bruce asks, "Are you not going to have a Guinness, Pat?"

Paddy replies: "Well, if you fookin' pansies aren't drinkin', then neither am I".

Very nice! Sprichst du Deutsch? lol

 

[danbob987]

Stevie Ray Vaughn has his tragic accident, passes on and wakes up in a beautiful field.

He hears the most incredible 3 piece harmony coming from up on a hill.

He goes up the hill, and it's Elvis, Buddy Holly, and Roy Orbison, warming up.

Stevie says, "Wow. This is beautiful. I'm in Rock and Roll Heaven".

Elvis replies, "It aint heaven, man. Come with us."

They walk over to the next hill where he hears the most incredible guitar playing ever.

Of Course, It's Jimi Hendrix. Stevie gets real excited "I know this is rock and roll heaven." he shouts.

Jimi unplugs his Strat and replies, "It ain't heaven man. Come with us"

They walk over to the next hill and hear thunder. No, it's not thunder, its John Bonham, warming up the Ludwigs.

Stevie breaks away from the group and runs over to Bonzo shouting "I'm in Rock and Roll Heaven. I"m in Rock and Roll Heaven".

Bonzo replies, "Trust me. It ain't heaven man. Plug in here."

They're joined by the rest and everybody plugs in. About that time Karen Carpenter sits down at the drums and says,

"Ok boys, Rainy Days and Mondays. A one, A two...."

haha very nice, I can almost hear the Elvis voice.... lol

 

[danbob987]

hahahahahaha

 

[Mathew R Taylor]

How is golf like sex?









No matter how hard you try, you can never get the balls in the hole...

Can be changed with Pool for the sharks out there ;-)

 

[dmdonald2]

On the night of the prom, a boy's girlfriend is changing upstairs. The boyfriend is waiting in the living room with the girlfriend's granpa and her dog Rover. As the girlfriend is getting ready the boyfriend says to himself, ''Man I really gotta fart, I think I will let a little out.'' So he does and the granpa yells ''ROVER!'' The boy thinks to himself, ''All right, now he thinks it's the dog. I think I will let a little more out.'' So he does and the granpa yells again, ''ROVER!'' The boyfriend says to himself, ''All right, now he really thinks it's the dog. I think I will let the rest out.'' So he lets it rip and the granpa yells, ''Rover, get over here before that guy poops on you!''

 

[dmdonald2]

A man wanted to buy his wife a unique birthday present. So one day, he went into a pet store looking for a parrot. The salesperson showed the man to a very beautiful parrot.
"It's beautiful!" cried the man, "Does he do any tricks?"

"Yes he does," answered the salesman. "If you put a lighted match under his right foot, the bird will sing 'Jingle Bells.' And if you put a lighted match under the birds left foot, he will sing 'Hark! The Herald Angels Sing.'"

"Amazing!" exclaimed the man, and he bought the parrot immediately. That night, the man showed his wife the parrot that he'd bought.

"Oh, what a gorgeous bird! Does it know any tricks?" asked the wife. The man smiled and said, "Watch this."

Then he lit a match and put it under the bird's right foot. Sure enough, the parrot began to sing 'Jingle Bells.' Then he put the match under the bird's left foot, and it began to sing 'Hark! The Herald Angels Sing.'

"That's incredible! Does he do anything else?" the wife asked.

"I don't know, lets see," replied the man. So he lit another match and put it between the bird's legs.

"Chestnuts roasting on an open fire."

 

[BiohazardVideo]

A guy goes to his doctor and says "Doc, ya gotta help me. My "unit" is turning orange!"
Doctor pauses to think and asks the guy to drop his pants so he can have a look. Damned if the guy's "unit" isn't orange! Doc tells the guy, "This is very strange. Sometimes things like this are caused by a lot of stress in a person's life. How are things going at work?"
The guy responds that he was fired 6 weeks ago. The doctor tells him that this must be the cause of the stress. Guy says "No, the boss was a real jerk, I had to work 20-30 hrs of overtime every week, and I had no say in anything that was happening. I found a new job a couple weeks ago where I can set my own hours, I'm getting twice my old pay, and the boss is real cool."
So the doc thinks a little longer and says "Well, do you have any hobbies or a social life?" Guy says, "No, most nights I just sit at home watching porno flicks and eating Cheetos."