Free Indulgence Starter Kit Contest from Mister-E-Liquid.com

[the_larch]

There was three passengers in a plane that was about to crash. One was the smartest man in the world, one was the President of the United States, and one was a little girl. However, there was only two parachutes.

The first man, the smartest man in the world, stood up and said, "The people who would benefit the world the most should be the ones who get the parachutes. I, being the smartest man, am one of those." With that he grabbed one and jumped out.

The president looked at the little girl and said, "I've led a good long life, and you're just starting yours. You take the last parachute."

"Don't worry, there is one for both of us." The little girl replied, "The smartest man in the world just took my backpack."

 

[elyn]

Do you know how to catch a Polar Bear?

cut a big hole in the ice...sprinkle peas all around the edge of the hole.

when the bear starts to take a pee, you kick him in the icehole!!!

 

[the_larch]

One day, two guys were driving to a local grocery store to get some food. On the way to the store they ran into an intersection with a stoplight. The light showed red.

The man driving went right through the red light. The passenger looked at the driver and screamed, "What the heck are you doing? You're going to get us killed!"

Then the driver responded, "Don't worry, my mother allways drives like this."

So later on, the two guys came to another stoplight and that too was red. The driver sped right through the light. Again the passenger looked at the driver and said, "I thought I told you, you're gonna get us killed! Would you please stop this nonsense!"

The driver looked at the passenger and responded, "I get it! But like I told already, you my mother drives like this all the time!"

Again, the two guys ran into another light. This time in was green. The driver slammed on his brakes and stopped the car completely. "What the hell are you doing?" The passenger screamed. "This is the third time you almost got us killed. Why did you stop at a green light?"

The driver replied, "That's my mom's car coming over there!"

 

[gingersnaps]

a man goes to the doctors office because he's not feeling well. he sits next to a man in the waiting room that has hiccups. then suddenly he starts to hiccup the other man has stopped so he gets up and leaves.

another man comes in sneezing. after a few minutes he is now sneezing and hiccuping. the sneezing man has stopped so he gets up and leaves

in comes another man with poison ivy. he is scratching like crazy. again a few minutes later the man is now scratching sneezing and hiccuping. the man with poison ivy is feeling much better now and leaves.

next a pregnant woman walks in. as soon as he sees her he makes a run for it out of the doctors office.

 

[the_larch]

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut.

The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says,
"Good Lord! He's done it again!"

 

[TheZooKeepa]

best joke ever..
A duck walks into a drugstore and asks for a tube of ChapStick. The cashier says to the duck, "That'll be $1.49."
The duck replies, "Put it on my bill!"

 

[the_larch]

An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, "what'll you have?"
The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please."
So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more.

The bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold. You don't have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I'll bring you a fresh cold one."

The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we're drinking together.

The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition.
Every week the man came in and ordered three beers.

Then one week he came in and ordered only two.
He drank them and then ordered two more.
The bartender said to him, "I know what your tradition is, and I'd just like to say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."

The man said, "Oh, me brothers are fine----I just quit drinking."

 

[the_larch]

An American walks into an Irish pub and says, "I'll give anyone $100 if they can drink 10 Guinness's in 10 minutes."

Most people just ignore the absurd bet and go back to their conversations.
One guy even leaves the bar. A little while later that guy comes back and asks the American, "Is that bet still on?"

"Sure."

So the bartender lines 10 Guinness's up on the bar the Irishman drinks them all in less than 10 minutes.

As the American hands over the money he asks, "Where did you go when you left?"

The Irishman answers, "I went next door to the other pub to see if I could do it."

 

[TheZooKeepa]

larch, seems like overkill.. i don't think this is about how many jokes one can post. quality over quantity, it's obvious you're just copying and pasting so-so jokes from a google query

 

[the_larch]

larch, seems like overkill.. i don't think this is about how many jokes one can post. quality over quantity, it's obvious you're just copying and pasting so-so jokes from a google query

Hey, I feel that everything I have posted is quality. I have personally laughed at every joke I have posted... Sorry if I took the

Reply to this thread with your best joke! The funniest joke will win an Indulgence Starter Kit! Multiple entries are encouraged!

literally

 

[5cardstud]

Ten reasons men should not be left unsupervised.

 

[birdofparadise]

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[Gracy_hm]

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil.

 

[RedDeath5]

Chuck Norris and Mr T walked into a bar...and it immediately imploded in on itself, as that level of awesome simply cannot be contained in one building.

 

[Gracy_hm]

A doctor tells his patient, “I have bad news and worse news”.
“Oh mother of God!, what's the bad news?”
The doctor replies, “You only have 24 hours to live.”
“That's terrible”, said the patient. “How can the news possibly be worse?”
The doctor says, “I've been trying to contact you since yesterday.”

 

[CanWEBada]

A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist’s office.
The doctor asked, “What can I do for you?”
The man said, “Will you watch us have sex?”
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said, “There’s nothing wrong with the way you have sex,” and charged them $50.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.
Finally the doctor asked, “Just exactly what are you trying to find out?”
“We’re not trying to find out anything. She’s married and we can’t go to her house. I’m married and we can’t go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. Embassy Suites charges $ 147. We do it here for $50, ....and get $43 back from Medicare.”

 

[Gracy_hm]

I was hanging out with some people at a bar recently and they said "you really seem full of yourself"
I replied "Do you know who your talking to?"

 

[CanWEBada]

Oh Canada ... OH, so true.

Joe Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN)

for 6am. While his coffeepot (MADE INCHINA) was perking, he shaved with his electric

razor (MADE IN HONG KONG). He put on a dress shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA),

designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE) and tennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA).

After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE IN INDIA) he sat down

with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO) to see how much he could spend today.

After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN) to the radio (MADE IN MALAYSIA),

he got in his car (MADE IN GERMANY) and continued his search for a good paying

CANADIAN JOB. At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day,

Joe decided to relax for a while. He put on his sandals (MADE IN BRAZIL),

poured himself a glass of wine (MADE IN FRANCE) and turned on

his TV (MADE IN INDONESIA), and then wondered why he couldn't find a good

paying job in CANADA.

(Plus most of us shop at Wal-Mart where nothing is made in CANADA!)

 

[CanWEBada]

A blonde was visiting Washington, DC for the first time. She wanted to see the Capitol building. Unfortunately, she couldn't find it, so she asked a police officer for directions - "Excuse me, officer, how do I get to the Capitol building?"

The officer replied, "Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus.
It'll take you right there." She thanked the officer and he drives off.

Three hours later the police officer returned to the same area and, sure enough, the blonde is still waiting at the same bus stop.

The officer got out of his car and said, "Excuse me, but to get to the Capitol building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus and that was three hours ago! Why are you still waiting?"

The blonde replied, "Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now...
The 45th bus just went by!"

 

[ddrj]

A New Zealander walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says, "Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."

His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies:

"I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot."

The man says, "I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."